Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Manic Weekend

I put on the biggest show whenever I see TR. It's like I revert back to some kind of primal self, half-child, half-animal.

Instinctive and Spontaneous.

Food intact was sporadic. There's no scale here, so I can't keep thinking about it.

We don't go a day without fighting, usually because of something I've instigated. Then I abuse him with affection. Tiring really.

He gets sick of me doing the things I do though. Trying to hang myself with twine. Stealing his roommate's Venus razor blade refill to get my aggression out (he sighs, and quietly takes out the first aid kit almost as ritualistically as my previous act). I whine and plead to dye my hair all weekend.

"Please, will you pay for me to get a haircut?"

I lock myself in the bathroom and begin to snip and chunk and chip away. Then I dye my hair the most vibrant unnatural purple I could get my hands on. TR just sighs.


I swallowed a dime. There were threats of taking me to the hospital to see what's done to idiot non-children who do things like that. I told him I'd get rid of it, and purged and purged until everything from that day was gone. Except the wretched piece of metal.

You all know, I don't purge. I'm bad at it. It makes me feel dirty. I can't get the smell off myself.

I lied and told him that I rid myself of the dime. Inside, I'm thinking about how much a dime weighs.


I think if I were left to my own devices with TR, I would drink pressed apple juice and red vines forever. He would eat burritos, weird asian wraps with peanut sauce, and sometimes pizza.


I have to go back into the welcoming hateful arms of Southern California unexpectedly tonight. My Visa application was rejected for some stupid insignificant reason. But reason enough to keep me out of the UK unless I start getting less manic with TR and channel that energy into making some calls and bothering some people.

Goal: No tears & >1000cals (I know it's alot, but I haven't been counting lately)


Pasco said...

Nice hair, nice nails, nice goals.

Aah so things are shit. I whinge my arse off all the time but I don't think I can properly even conceptualise what it would be like for things to be really shit. Just fucking hang in there. I'm adamant that you, me and Lulu are going to one day meet in the farthest corner of the globe for the most amazing celebration of finally fucking figuring it all out. And it wouldn't be the same without you.

PS. Swallowing a dime shouldn't hurt you. I swallowed a fortune in change when I was a youngster. It "passes" pretty quickly.

PPS. "Adamant" - Adam + Ant... I never realised that! I wonder of that's where Adam Ant got it from... surely it is... woah.

PeriAdot (G+P) said...

I. LOVE. Your hair.

Can I steal it? Please? 0.0

Ana's Girl said...

Well TR may not be too fond of your hair, but i am IN LOVE with it. You look absolutely gorgeous.
Sorry about the rough time with food and with that dime. I'm sure it'll come out soon. Besides, a dime weighs next to nothing. Stay strong, beautiful.

sadhana said...

one of my kids swallowed a penny once. it didn't hurt him at all. purging is worse.

your hair looks awesome! i wish i could pull off that look - beautiful. i'm sorry you have to go back to california. i hope things work out for you.

SkinnyBitch said...

Seems that all anyone does these days is sigh.


Yeah, that's what I'd say. How eloquent.

Anonymous said...

wanted you to know i;ve not abandoned you in return, just been neglectign to check blogger last few days for myriad equally self destructive reasons.

speak soon xx

Anonymous said...

oh and i just read this and thought of you...

There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.....the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.
(the count of monte cristo - Dumas)

allow me this one moment of cornyness.xx

Sarah. said...

gorgeous hair my dear!
good new plan also, i need to start something like that for myself... hmmm
good luck love!

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