Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Pages and print

Some books on my bookshelf right now:

"Foul Bodies: Hygiene in Colonial America"
"Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand: Curious Adventures of a CSI"
"The Cultures of Collecting"
"Archaeologies of Sexuality"
"Comic Art Now"
"The Way We Live: Things We Love"
"Photos of the Gods: The Printed Image and Political Struggle in India"
"Design for Shopping"
"The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook"
"Prostitution and Victorian Society"
"Inventing the American Dream"
"The Wonderful and Surprising History of Sweeny Todd"
"Phenomenology of Landscapes"

Among others.

I picked up a book today specifically with you all in mind. "The Art of Living: Hunger" Haven't done a proper philosophical, long-winded thoughtful post in some time. Been mulling an idea around in my head about starting a real website. With guest writers. And a place for outside contributions like art and poetry. Not that bad stuff you see on all the pro-ana websites. A site for the eating disorder that shouts "We are eating disordered, but we are more than that."

Just the thought of doing it makes me realize that it would still have to be an underground off the grid kind of thing. It makes me get a little taste of discrimination and prejudice.


Random thoughts for a random day.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Oh bother.

Time flies when you're avoiding Mondays.

Not that I have anything particularly important to do other than make 2 public appearances, but I know it's the week and I shouldn't be hanging around my apartment in my PJs ignoring calls to go out. I just can't be bothered to get myself out.

I've been thinking a lot about infatuation vs. true love. Can't say much more than that because I know TR occasionally reads this and as much a he pretends to be non-judgmental and sagely, he's anything but. Sigh, I wish there was true anonymity on this thing but I don't want to start all over and hope everyone finds me again. Can't be bothered to do that.

Today I ate nothing. Well at about 4:00am I had 2 pears, but the rest of the day I really just went without food (and drink) out of pure laziness. This I am ok with. Say it with me again, "just can't be bothered..."

Maybe I'm in a rut. I just don't particularly feel strongly about anything right now. The dissertation is at a dead end, I don't think the way I want to do things is the way my supervisors want me to. This makes me wonder if I'm truly heading in the right direction for my future career. I love writing, I just don't like other people telling me how to write, what to write, and being cynical at me for wanting to do something purely because I find it "interesting." I don't want to "make something interesting" merely because it has analytical value and I can attach it to stupid philosophers and researchers more successfully.

I want to write about things that I am so passionate about that I do research without it even feeling like work. Get up in the middle of the night to write something on a scrap paper because I've just had an idea.

But perhaps that doesn't really exist. We all have to do things we don't want to do or don't particularly like.

Is it selfish of me to expect more of myself? To expect that due to my self-critical eye and drive to always be better than yesterday, that perhaps I deserve to do something I actually want to do? That I've achieved this little reward?

And if we all just do settle for the good and the bad, then why do we try so hard anyway? To achieve something that apparently doesn't exist. We could all just be fat and be a cog in the assembly line of production. We could be indifferent.

But we reach for the stars. We know we are better and perhaps even gifted at something. And we know that our way of cognition is one that society claims as an ideal, but shuns as reality. We are exemplary and because of that we cannot assimilate.

Right now though, I can't really be bothered to make society bend to my will or become more acceptable to society. Today, I will remain different.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I can hear the birds chirping.

handful jelly beans
Percy Pigs & Friends
2 ciders

(You can see a pattern with me and sugar. No brown things! And finally under 1000cals again!)

I have THE best idea for a cheesy sap sap romantic comedy. But I'm also high as a kite, so I might wake up tomorrow and realize I was talking about 2 people falling in love because they love the same color. Although there could be an angle to that one!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm back.

And I mean business.

I've been shying around, hiding and isolating myself for too long. Come on, when you avoid your blog, that's hitting a sad sad state of things.

I don't want to talk about my failures in the past weeks (though I will tell you that I learned how incredible "fondant" truly is) because I just want to focus on now and tomorrow.

Baby steps baby steps baby steps.

Here are the new rules:
1. Try to stick by the "Anti-Brown" if possible. Exceptions can be made for truly healthy brown food... but even this should be in moderation.

2. No more food in my room. In fact, I'm going to eat everything in public. This serves 2 purposes: there won't be any food at home to comfortably binge on AND I hate to eat in public. Today I ate a salad in the middle of a plaza and it felt like everyone was staring at me. I couldn't eat like I do when I'm alone (inhaling food, stuffing face, eating to the point of exploding) and this forced me to eat slow and thoughtfully. No distractions. Just me and the meal. I had to keep reminding myself that only 20% or so of the people who passed by me actually noticed me at all... if you aren't familiar with this psychology finding, definitely check out these lab demos and case studies. It helps me to try and remember this when I think everyone's looking at my fat legs.

3. One meal a day. I'm looking into meal replacement shakes for emergencies since I used to do well with those.

3a. Nothing goes into mouth without knowing calories. If it's not listed or I don't know off the top of my head, I don't eat it. Only eat salad with dressing on the side at restaurants.
3b. Don't do anything else while eating this meal. Eat and focus on eating.
3c. Drink a cup of hot tea with the meal. Hot liquids make you feel more full.

4. Juice is ok in moderation. Tea is preferable.

5. Weigh and take measurements regularly.


So as an added bonus to you all, I'm going to finally reveal just how huge I've gotten. It needs to be said out loud, I can't run from it.
Weight: 134lbs or 9 stone 8
Thighs (at biggest part): 23
Butt: 38
Hips: 34
Waist: 28.5
Bust: 31 and 33
Upper Arm: 10

OK, I didn't catch on fire and die. I can't believe how I've let myself go. My thigh is almost as big as my waist used to be just months ago. I've put on this weight rapidly and through an equally unhealthy means as starving.


6. I'm going to have to also be boring and start recording what I eat on here, but I'll put it at the end so you can skip!

7. I promise I WILL start commenting and religiously reading blogs again.

8. Little rewards for good behavior. Haven't figured out what the rewards are yet.

So there you have it. I'm moving back into Savoryville!

1 cherry bakewell (198)
1 waitrose italian salad (101)
1 serving watermelon (50)
Juice (not doing calories of juice)


Sunday, March 14, 2010

I feel


Saturday, March 13, 2010


I should be really horrified by this, but I can't help but feeling smug and pleased with myself.

After a few pints (I know, I'm eventually going to cut them out.... eventually) I walked home with a friend and decided to pop into the Tesco across the street--it's not a big problem normally because I loathe the whole Tesco corporation--and pick up something I really didn't need, and my stomach REALLY didn't need.

The automatic doors won't open. I think to myself, "Shit, it's almost 11 and they're closing up." Then I think, "Shit, it's not quite 11 they shouldn't lock me out when it's still technically open!" So I start knocking on the window. I get the brilliant idea to wait for a customer to walk out and then I'll dash in and grab that *thing* I didn't need. So I made a break for it, and apparently let in a couple who followed my lead as well.

So I grab this thing and am ready to go queue up, when this ridiculous completely uneducated man-boy says to the couple (who aren't nearly as fast as me, and still at the door) "No no, we're closed."

They look crushed and ask, "But we can't even get milk?"
"No" is his reply.
Then they kind of gesture toward me, and he looks and sees me and my thing in hand and says "No no we're closed."

And I, feeling brazen and full of Dutch Courage, show him my cellphone and say, "It's 10:58. You aren't closed. I'm buying this." And I walk to the queue. He says the same thing again but I don't budge and then the couple went and grabbed their milk and broccoli (at least someone was eating veggies in this story!).

So after waiting for this ridiculous man who was buying a cart full of groceries (UH, this is a Tesco "Express" who does full shopping at the chain-version of a corner store?!), I throw down ₤1.50 and say "Keep the change."

During the previous incredible wait, I did manage to have a lovely conversation with the broccoli woman next to me, who then decided to make her guy (who was on crutches) go an grab the thing that I just got. I'm so influential.

So I should feel horrible that I got completely rude in order to satisfy my bulging tummy, but I'm not. And you shouldn't either.

The moral of the story is... always do something that makes you a stronger person, even if your figure doesn't agree.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I'm watching "Notting Hill" because I was there today...

... the movie isn't terribly good. But I don't have high expectations for either Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts, both of whom I find terribly terrible. But "Notting Hill" the place is lovely, while simultaneously reminding me of my poverty and impending doom.


I can't tell if this makes me hungry or revolted, but I suppose the moral of the story is I would probably be thinner if it was 1974.

Today I'm going to keep my eating habits a secret, as I'm afraid I'll jinx myself. I might have already done it just in this last sentence. eeee!

The only thing I will tell you is I can't fit into my teeny tiny ultra skinny jeans anymore. Size 6 or even size 8. Lord, I can probably barely manage a size 10 these days... but in my defense I like my skin-tight jeans to be ironically comfortable.

In other news, cheers to skirts that cover up wobbly bits and swishing thighs.

With all my heart,
Savory Sweet

P.S. I'm going to list off every British phrase/word that I've started to pick up in my every day language: "cheers" "can't be bothered" "brilliant" "mates" "tosser" "rubbish" "the bin" "queue" "fair enough" "wellies" "trousers" "jumper" "crap (as in 'these are crap directions')" "gorgeous (as in the way good food tastes...)" "sweetie" "lads" "slag" "chips" "crisps" "cheap and cheerful" "clever" "gobsmacked" "tuck in" "knackered" "mental" "tanked" "wanker" "nosh"

I have never been able to say "bloody" without sounding like an idiot. Yes, I sometimes practice aloud at home. Don't pretend you haven't ever thought about wearing one of those stupid bluetooth headpieces so you could talk to yourself without looking "mental." Whatever mates, I can't be bothered. Fairenoughcheersthnxbi.

Monday, March 8, 2010

"Resolve to Dissolve"

Does anyone else still wonder what happened to Jenna? I still worry about her.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A mop of hair

This is a manifestation of what I can only think to describe as a "food hangover." Note the distress and lethargy.


2 more things and then I'll get out of your hair.

1) I just started reading Cinderella's blog and I'm her only follower! She's got a few archived posts so it'll be a good read. I suggest you check out her site. She's very articulate and no one should struggle alone.

2) Question for you to debate in the comments section: Eating Disorders as we know them now were first documented during the Industrial Age and have become worse ever since, affecting people in 1st and 3rd world countries. As we know the disease isn't just about the media infestation of thin and pretty in our everyday lives, what are contributing factors that progress eating disorders around the globe today?

too much sleep and too little sleep.

uuuugh. Today I'm a slug. It's finally caught up to me. The starvation and lack of sleep.

The monster is unleashed!

That's being relatively over-dramatic. My stomach, however, is quite distended and would argue with that statement. Here's me again thinking I could grocery shop and pick up a nice little lunch. Nope. I eat the lunch. Then I eat what I had planned for dinner. Then I eat a box of biscuits and bag of Percy Piglets I was going to send over to TR. There was a cream soda somewhere in there too. At least, I think so because there's an empty can next to my bed.

This past week has been one of the most productive, but ludicrously insane, weeks of my life. I averaged about 3 hours of sleep every night. It wasn't even forcing myself to wake up, I'd go to sleep at midnight and open my eyes at 3AM.

Then I started my task. Two tasks actually. One being the obvious, taking advantage of this energy source and doing some work. Two being a marathon of horror films that seems to be never-ending. I freak out relatively easily. Well, at least I used to. I haven't yet seen something that makes me afraid of sleeping facing toward the wall (everyone knows that's when someone sneaks up on you!). Maybe I've just become completely numb.

Anyway, the lack of sleep was great except I was always yawning, disinterested in other people (more than usual, I guess), and at 2PM every day I thought I would fall asleep no matter where I happened to be. I would also get really nauseated and start gagging every now and again. Kept a reserve of crackers for that. Weird.

It didn't really bother me so much until I became noticeably irritable, withdrawn, and... well started hallucinating. Nothing exciting, for better or for worse, and I wouldn't even have known I was hallucinating were it not for a psychology class I'd taken years ago.

I kept seeing spiders crawling up the wall. After I realized this was not actually happening, I realized I don't think I've ever seen a spider here.

This post doesn't really have any purpose except to let you all know I'm alive and functioning, at a snail's pace.

Over and out.

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