I know nothing of moderation

18 hours and 18 laxatives later...

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There's a fine balance between too little and too much. Case in point:

I just convinced my (idiot) psychiatrist to put me back on Ambian. Trasadone is a joke. Freshman year I was on the Ambian. My doctor told me, "Take 5mg and if that doesn't work try 10mg." That of course, to me, meant don't even bother with the 5mg, start with 10mg and if you aren't passed out in ten minutes up it to 20mg.

This was an effective means of self medicating... until my friends in the dorms told me that I was actually hallucinating if I got distracted and didn't go to sleep immediately. This wasn't a problem for me, as the hallucinations were pretty amazing, but the friends were annoyed, and the people on the floor who weren't my friends were freaked out and afraid of me (this was a substance-free dormitory so everyone was a bit... sheltered).

Soooo, I get really upset when I take pills and they don't work and I take more and more and then they work. Too much.

I have to find that perfect balance.

For the laxies, it was take 4. Then it was take 4, wait eight hours and take 4 more. Yesterday, however, neither worked. So I took 4. Waited. Took 4 more. Waited. Took 6. Waited. Took 3 of some stronger ones. Tried to sleep. By this point it is 7AM and I have stayed awake about 24 hours.

Then I realized that like old drinking patterns (sober sober sober sober sober sober drunk off my ass!), the laxatives were now too effective. And I get no sympathy from BF because I basically did this to myself. But because if it's easy I'm not losing, I have chalked this experience up to a victory for my side.

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I've been weighing myself on the shitty scale for the past few days. I'm super afraid how judgemental the Wii Fit is. I just can't deal with that wiggly little CGI scale spewing comments like "What do you think is the cause of your weight gain?" at me. And also, I have created a horrible situation that I secretly hope I'll step on it and because the shitty scale is such a liar (ex. this morning it told me I weighed 120.4 then 116.6 literally 2 seconds later), I'll actually weigh like 109 or something on the Wii Fit and confetti will rain down on me.

This will not actually happen, and when it doesn't happen, and I see a normal number, I'll probabaly run into the bathroom and bash my head into the porcelain tub and watch my body bleed out for funsies.

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I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday. Graduation is on Friday and my mom is coming up tonight. The rest of the family is coming up tomorrow. I figure I'll have to eat at least one thing every day (and I won't be able to get away with chopping up a cucumber and eating that with pepper and salt) so I'm trying to starve until everyone gets here.

here. we. go.