Worry From Unexpected Places

Today was not the best food day. I blame this on several things:

1) This was the first real day in more than a month I could finally use laxatives again. Of course I over indulged and had cramps. So I had that "I feel hungry" sensation and felt like if I ate something it would feel better... but of course it didn't.
2) Stupidly, I stepped on the scale, and was disappointed when I didn't see like stars and rainbows or slot machine read outs (I don't know what we expect, no number is ever going to make us happy), so even though I'd stayed away from the scale long enough that I'd lost like 5 pounds, I was mopey.
3) TR was eating in bed next to me all morning, like that was acceptable behavior.

However, I'm ok with this because yesterday I had no appetite and didn't eat anything until I got home at like 8PM and told myself I should probably eat a little something so I wouldn't binge later (hah) and ate a little baby cucumber, which is basically like nothing.

---

Yesterday we ran errands and went to the store. I had to make TR help me pick out my foods because I felt so manic and ADD about what I was going to get. But everything's safe:

+ Watermelon, Plums, Grapefruit
+ Corn-on-the-cob, Celery, String beans, Baby cucumbers
+ 3 boxes of lean cuisines under 250cals each for emergencies only
+ 2 packs of TickTacks (I'm allowed five a day as rationed by TR as a treat, they are 1cal each)

---

Today TR as part of my bad food day went out to the little place next to my house to get me my favorite depression lunch while I moped in bed. He comes back and throws the bag at me:

TR: "Oh, while I was there, the owner asked about you" (this is that place where they know our order by heart)
Me: "Yeah?"
TR: "He's worried about you"
Me: "Why?"
TR: "He wanted to know if you're sick or like ill. He said you've lost a lot of weight."
Me: "Really??? I'm not even that thin. And I don't know when he's seen me."
TR: "He sees you all the time walking on the street. We're right next door. And you're too thin. Look at your wrist. Mine is big and strong. Yours is so small I feel like if I tap it, I will break it. Your wrist is so fragile."
Me: "Well, whatever, if I keep feeling depressed and going to his place for lunch, I'll balloon back up and neither of you will have to worry."

Jesus Christ.

---

I'm working on a list called "Crazy Things My ED Makes Me Think." Feel free to contribute. My favorites so far are that I'm always touching my collar bones because I'm afraid that one minute they'll just sink into my skin and disappear never to be seen again, and sometimes I hesitate when someone offers me lotion because I wonder if my body will absorb any fat or calories. haha.

---

I was going to post a picture of me to show you all what I've been doing this summer but TR said I looked fat, so sorry. But I can't make that kind of first impression.