I have just seriously messed up my arms and shoulders from tensing up while dry heaving. My inability to purge is a blessing and a curse.
About Me
- Savory Sweet
- I'm destructive. A rapid cycler. Casual liar and sometimes petty. At the end of the day, I'm trying to get through the day... usually in one piece. I'm too hard on myself, but I can be better.
Even In 1954...
"Or Maybe, I'll Eat Celery Instead"
3 comments:
blessing blessing blessing blessing
i rue the day i taught myself to purge. i spent three years never purging once and i would take that ANY DAY over this monstrosity that is a daily unstoppable occurrence. no joke. it's horrid. you never how many calories are retained. you never fucking know. your head spins afterwards and all day and your heart hammers about and you can feel your mouth rotting and you smell vomit in your nose all day instead of the spring flowers and you swear each time it's the last time and then the idea to binge kind of sneaks up on you and you absolutely can't do ONE THING to stop it even if you're driving home and suddenly have to do a u-turn to drive to jack-in-the-box to get one of those AMAZING horrific oreo shakes, knowing you're going to be throwing it up, or throwing up half-digested burrito in the shower and having to dig chunks of acidy peppers out of the drain and because you're standing in a pool of water and vomit but vomiting the last of it up is SO much more important than fixing the nastiness of standing in it. yeah. also? i just figured out i spend more than $200 in the last two weeks on food that stayed in my stomach for less than an hour. effing expensive. as Pasco says, be careful because once you've flipped the switch, you can't flip it back off again. she's so so so right and i wish i'd listened to her because bulimia is HORRID. i'd give anything to go back to those days i couldn't puke.
umm wow that was a rant. but all true. blessing blessing blessing.
xx x
I envy this curse which I believe to be a blessing. I was weakened in the struggles to control myself around food after I began puking.
And the havoc it has realed on my body & mind?! IRREPARABLE!!
blessing, I despise it
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