Like flipping on a lightbulb.

Last year, writing my dissertation fueled the flames of the fire that was my compulsion to lose weight.

This year is an entirely different matter.

I'd be really happy if things fell into place and I reached an equilibrium, but I still don't have a healthy relationship with food and my self-image. Today I ate a whole pizza. The only good thing about it is I washed it down with Diet Coke, which actually makes me feel pathetic. Like snickering at my fat friends who guzzle it down. What good does it do when your fridge is stocked with full fat milk and pudding snacks! Just drink goddamned regular Coke.

Diet Coke is for skinny people. Just like frappuccinos....

No, seriously, listen to my logic here for just a second. You and I both know that every time you see someone drinking one who isn't pathetically slim, you think "Well, that's why she's not a super model." You can seriously only get away with one if you're tiny. You might as well be eating a tub of butter in public, otherwise.

But the irony is when you're small, you will *never* ever want to drink one. Because like a McDonald's burger, you know that your indulgence is basically one day's worth of calories (possibly even for a normal person!).

I don't know why this dissertation has me flipped in the opposite direction. Possibly because I'm home by myself all the time. Even with my mother and TR, who have to love me no matter what, I would never ever eat a whole fucking pizza.

But when I'm alone, I trick myself into thinking that the calories don't count, because no one saw me. I can eat chow mein and cake at the same time without feeling grossed out. My bed becomes a dinner table. I basically lose all remnants of what makes me a human and not a pot-bellied pig rolling in its own muck.

My face is constantly broken out, posture ruined, I feel like I need to shower like 3 times a day, I get winded from how fast I'm accustomed to walking. My clothes all hang horribly. I'm embarrassed to even let myself see me naked.

Last week, I had a good few days. But of course, something replaced the food. Shopping. I spent about half of what was in my bank account. Now I'm saving money again, and somehow food keeps entering my mouth.

Something about keeping my hands busy, I think. When I'm not eating, I feel this urge to play tetris all the time. I'd take up smoking if I was less neurotic about smells.

I just need that flip to switch and stay there. Cast light on the dark, gross corners of my life. Compulsively read and write instead of eat. Be a starving artist.