Chalices

Was blessed this morning with a loss of 2.4 pounds.

Just fucked that up. Royally.

Been doing well for the past few days severely restricting and cutting out unsafe food and vowing not to eat after 7PM. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Today after scary lecture I go and visit the ladies in the office I used to work at. It's been a while since I've seen them. They coddle me, and immediately start talking about my weight (I can count on these ladies to be frank!). "Girl! What are you eating? You have lost your butt!" Thank God. Anyway, they are concerned but still think I look good (I don't know how they thought I ever looked good, but that's a digression).

So that perked me up as most people have either not noticed or been polite.

I call the boyfriend to say I'm coming home since it's the weekend and I just want to relax. He informs me that he's not home, but with his friends. Immediately, my legs want to do a 180 and head to the donut shop and pick up some sweets to comfort me in my huge disappointment. I stifle it. Go home, veg, eat some minestrone soup (90 cals)... supposed to be my one and only consumed item of the day.

Boyfriend comes home at like 10PM and I am grumpy and having ridiculous emotional cravings. He wants pizza because he's a jerk and hasn't eaten. I am strong at first, then decide that I'll be ok with only 1 piece as 300 cals won't kill me. We get a 12" pizza. I use a fork and knife so I have to eat slow.

I reach for a second piece. BF grabs my hand (and it hurts) and starts yelling at me about taking a big piece and how I said I wasn't going to eat any other pieces. He gets mean when he's hungry. In any event, this of course makes me feel like the HUGEST FATTEST PIGGEST BINGE-WHORE ALIVE and I immediately start crying and screaming and yelling maybe and slam my laptop closed and run away and lock myself in the bathroom.

BTW, bathroom is not safe. I realize this soon afterward as I remember I may or may not have a knife stashed somewhere. Look for it, can't find it. Hear boyfriend leave the apartment. My stupid head wonders if he is going to the corner store to get us some snacks (COW!). I go over to the pizza box to see if he ate any. No. Good. I then grab my knife and hole up in the bathroom again until he comes back. No major damage but I have to start from day one again after being more than a year of harm-free.

He comes back (no food) and is mad at me for some reason (WTF!??!) and says he has been studying somewhere. Leaves again. I immediately go get the pizza and eat my remaining 3 slices out of anger. I've never binged out of anger. He comes back as I'm guiltily finishing off the last slice.

I am officially the most pathetic person ever. It's ok though, I found where he hid my laxies and I took 3 and two colace and I'm praying to whoever it is you pray to in this sort of situation that I didn't gain.

Oh, ironically, my "Tarot of the Day" card was the Four of Chalice advising me to resist temptation. Oops.