Physical Therapy

I am the most broken person I know.

A few weeks ago I started getting weird rib pains, right around the time when I was complaining about my bruised tailbone and hips. I noticed one of my ribs was like jutting out from underneath my rib cage, and me having spent several courses meticulously studying all 206 bones in my body knew this was unusual.

Long story short, something weird is going on but no one really knows what it is. This one dumb bitch doctor was trying to scare me by telling me my ribs weren't attached to the cartilage and were floating around. Idiot. So now I have to go to physical therapy to strengthen my abdominal wall and build better posture for my scoliosis. Apparently, my pelvis is like tilted forward, which I have always been aware of... it makes my back curve in, and my tummy and butt stick out. As if I couldn't look more fat. So upsetting. So we're working on that. I'm going to be at least 7 pounds lighter next time I see this guy (to reach 113lbs in 2 weeks), I'll be interested to see if he notices.

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Also had my psych appointment last Thursday, which probably contributed to the down-spiral binging. Got the results from all the stupid psychological testing I did. Results: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder AND Borderline Personality. SUCK IT Dr. M. He sheepishly admitted that I wasn't depressed and that there was a "personality disorder at work" hahaha. This further reinforces my belief that psychology is a bogus soft-science. This will have been like my 5th diagnosis. This one at least has the seal of approval from a test though, so I'm more likely to buy it. I guess the reason it led to my binging is I feel like if I have PTSD it means I'm not strong enough to cope. I don't want to be weak. And I know that this diagnosis doesn't mean that, but I can definitely see why veterans feel emasculated by a PTSD diagnosis.

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AND a special special thanks to all my lovely ladies for giving me the kick in the now-not-so-baggy-pants I needed. I did a modified fast yesterday, and I'm back to my rules today, and I'll just severely restrict for a few days and then maybe fast every other day. IDK. But here are my rules:

1) Everything you eat, gets recorded BEFORE it gets eaten
2) No eating before 10AM or after 7PM
3) Only eat Vegan
4) Love the food you are allowed to eat, hate the food you are not allowed to eat

So I'm feeling good again. I'm down 4lbs since yesterday, which makes me hope that a lot of this hideous gain is just food and water. And thankfully my safe food hasn't spoiled yet (stupid produce and its short shelf life).

***Tip Share 2009 of the day: I know I'm not the only one who loves to eat produce with condiments (e.g. mustard, hot sauce). I was using low-fat vinaigrette dressing (25cals per 2tablespoons)... but I discovered something to vary my veggies at the store the other week. MARINADES! A BBQ marinade is only 15cals per 1tablespoon. And they had SO many different ones. I could eat the same fucking vegetable 3 times a day, add a different marinade and I would feel satisfied. So, check those out instead of dressing.

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Alright my dearest readers. I'm sending you all my best wishes, love, and support on this fine (rainy here) day! I am not going to let myself keep sabotaging my excellent weight loss when I get so close to my goal by eating like a pig (this will have been 2 times in a row in 2 weeks that I've gotten to almost 113 then freaked out and gained back to 120!). And I'm not going to let ya'll sabotage yourselves either. Don't be afraid of that elusive GW. Get there and stay there!

Eat like rabbits, if you're eating at all.

Cheers,
Savory