Thursday, March 3, 2011

The job.

I feel like things are going to change. They have to, that's all there is to it. I got the job I've been chasing after and start in a little more than one week.

It's thrilling and terrifying. Of course, first thing I did was figure out all the lovely things I'm going to buy with my nice paycheck. Those of you who have read my less-than-grand narrative know that I'm a binge shopper for lack of a better word.

I also hate myself and somehow feel that if I can just transform my looks, better myself, my life will be OK. I don't know what exactly I need anymore. I've snagged a job that should make me feel less like a failure, I'm in a healthy relationship, I have good friends and do incredible things for fun.

A little voice tells me it's just me. I'm finding things to fix because I can't deal with things going right. I have to fixate on the fact that my skin isn't perfect or my stomach isn't flat. There's a desire to upgrade the material possessions in my life. My car, my clothes, my things.

What am I chasing? Why?

Perhaps this is why I wasn't more excited when I knew I had secured the position. At the time, I thought I was just in shock. Now, I just feel empty. It seems as though this was finally supposed to fill a void. This was supposed to fix things.

It didn't and I'm left with a gaping hole with the urge to find something else with which to fill it.

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