Thursday, March 3, 2011

The job.

I feel like things are going to change. They have to, that's all there is to it. I got the job I've been chasing after and start in a little more than one week.

It's thrilling and terrifying. Of course, first thing I did was figure out all the lovely things I'm going to buy with my nice paycheck. Those of you who have read my less-than-grand narrative know that I'm a binge shopper for lack of a better word.

I also hate myself and somehow feel that if I can just transform my looks, better myself, my life will be OK. I don't know what exactly I need anymore. I've snagged a job that should make me feel less like a failure, I'm in a healthy relationship, I have good friends and do incredible things for fun.

A little voice tells me it's just me. I'm finding things to fix because I can't deal with things going right. I have to fixate on the fact that my skin isn't perfect or my stomach isn't flat. There's a desire to upgrade the material possessions in my life. My car, my clothes, my things.

What am I chasing? Why?

Perhaps this is why I wasn't more excited when I knew I had secured the position. At the time, I thought I was just in shock. Now, I just feel empty. It seems as though this was finally supposed to fill a void. This was supposed to fix things.

It didn't and I'm left with a gaping hole with the urge to find something else with which to fill it.


Lina (of Flushed) said...

Congrats on the job! So exciting!

I started one this week and I feel so much less like a loser haha. it's weird how not getting a paycheck affects the psyche.

This gaping hole/void... kind of reminds me of the Goldilocks and the 3 bears but none of shit is the right size?! wtf. It's an OUTRAGE! I'm OUTRAGED!

...or hormonal. Either way.

I'm following you on twitter (btw, I'm @everinsatiable), it does sound like you do cool things :)

neverfit said...

You chase because you're human, and when we don't chase things we get stuck thinking and self-examining. Try to fill that hole with experiences, not stuff. ;)

Char Vicki said...

I'm finding things to fix because I can't deal with things going right. . . . This post. Straight out of my head. How long have you been hiding in there? ;)

Lauren said...

Congrats on the job sweetie!

I think we all feel like that from time to time, ambition is a crazily dangerous quality to possess. It's just something that human beings seem to have an abundance of just now, the desire to push themselves to achieve. Most people will look at your life and be envious of your position, and someone can be envious of their position, so on and so forth.

We SHOULD be content with our own life. But jealousy and ambition always get in the way.

Don't worry about it. Just know that we're proud of you.

Alice said...

do something fun, like shopping or the cinema with a bunch of friends!! Its so much fun and distracts me from almost everything crappy in my life.

Love your blog, just started reading it today. But stay strong, you are becoming my inspiration :)

mais said...

ignoring the fact that us hanging out is LOOONG overdue because i miss you and want to hear about your job and everything, i just wanted to say that if you still are in fact on blogger once in a while i changed my url and apparently that fucks up everything?

long story short:

xx x

EmptyShell said...

I've always loved your blog. It was one of the first I found. So I gave you an award :)

Cally C. said...

Congrats on the job! I've been searching mercilessly myself.

Ana's Girl said...

I know what you mean. I think we're just uncureable pesimists (neither word there is probably spelled right... but you get my jist, right?) that can't see the good in any golden situation! But do try to anyway, alright? Be happy somehow please.

Ana's Girl said...

I just nominated you for versatile blogger award. check out my blog for more info.

Anonymous said...

i feel like you write my life sometimes. You're mot alone.

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