Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thank you.

My dog has pee'd somewhere in my room and I can't find it. I try to sleep and occasionally catch the smell interrupting my attempt at dreaming. Down on hands and knees, I'm sniffing the carpet, my blankets, my clothes. I can't find it.

Gross.

For some reason, I'm feeling incredibly anxious. I haven't felt this way anytime in recent memory. I just don't want to sleep because I know as soon as I close my eyes it will be morning. The new day brings responsibilities. I can't handle them right now. My life seems too hard and I don't even have any real reason to feel this way. Currently, I have a part-time job that's so easy it hurts, while I complain about money the reality is I have very few bills to pay, my health is...

Wow. I just realized something. I changed my medication a few days ago. This has to be the source. Normally I would just delete everything you just read and start over, now that I know what's wrong this writing exercise seems futile.

But I avoid writing here. I often start something, decide it's stupid, delete it, and thus you never hear from me. My life just doesn't seem relevant. I'm not particularly a good example of how to behave nor am I screwed up enough that my trials seem like they would be much of an entertaining read.

I found some photographs of myself at my lowest weight. The other day, I was speaking to a friend who is a "recovered" bulimic. She's also a writer, and I told her about my desire to turn the past few years into something tangible. We were talking about my struggles and what made me decide to "eat again". Looking back on the conversation, I spoke almost admirably about how I saw a picture of myself with my ribs clearly visible through my shirt. Now at the sight of these photos tonight, I remember my life seemed to have a purpose. I felt accomplished.

To be fair, during this time, I was writing my undergraduate thesis (which was being funded by a $20,000 grant), recently accepted to UCL and Oxford for graduate school, progressing in my relationship from BF (boyfriend) to TR (the guy with the ring), finishing college, and moving.

Everything I've accomplished since then seems insignificant in comparison. My masters dissertation is a joke, I don't have a single professor I can ask for a recommendation from, my time in London was mostly spent watching television and eating cakes, and despite finishing graduate school at the 6th best university in the world, I have little to no prospects.

In my mind, I think this must be because I let myself go. I lost the control I had over myself, the control that my mind literally had over the rest of me. The discipline was gone and I let myself fail.

I'm up for a job, and it's the first one I feel nearly completely sure that I should get. Yet, I expect I will not. Even though the person hiring is a friend of mine who wants to give me the job, I feel certain something will happen to keep this from happening. I literally cannot sleep or eat properly because everything hinges on this two week period where my life may or may not change. I only know two ways to handle this kind of stress.

I could begin (more strictly) obsessing over my food, weighing literally 20 times a day, spending 4-5 hours on blogger, and leaving no room to worry over anything else.

I could call in sick to my part-time job, feign sickness, hole myself up in my room with snacks, watch 15 hours of television straight, and numb myself with food and the internet.

There's no tidy resolution to this predicament. In reality, I will likely "choose" to pursue a mix of the above, unsuccessfully handling my stress because I can't seem to commit to becoming selfishly delusional or an unfeeling escapist. I honestly don't know which is worse, being the physical embodiment of every problem and anxiety or being physically healthy but possibly worse off mentally. At least now, I can avoid the prying eyes that I know some of you are faced with, but now everyone expects things from me that I cannot always give.

---

On a nearly unrelated note, my transcript arrived in the post. Remember more than a year back when I asked for feedback on shopping for a paper of mine? It earned me a distinction. So thank you every single one of my readers for assisting me in that. It's the one thing I'm really proud of and it's funny that it's directly related to this space. A small comfort in my life that may not be a constant source of joy or unconditional affection, but the most stable and possibly functional relationship I've had in years.

6 comments:

Anise said...

exactly exactly EXACTLY how i feel. exactly. creepy! have you been stealing my thoughts again?

come walk dogs with me. get out of your head for a moment, get some sunshine, some well-intentioned exercise. better than hermiting with or without snacks. so says the hermit who would never leave her room if dogs didn't have to pee. we have many things to talk about. :D

xx x

Ophelia said...

ahhh congrats on the distinction! glad to have helped :p

I understand your thoughts at the moment. In my 'recovery' I've gained weight... and because I'm learning to feel more comfortable with my body and am eating more (hardly the same as a normal person, but definitely more normal than I was before) I feel like I've let myself go.
What drove me before was that desire to not be happy with being average, not falling for all that 'be happy as you are' shit.
I long for the time when I forced my body into submission and had a body others envied. A part of me craves to go back to that - but then I remember... that that was all I did... blogger and bed and exercise and... no...
Savory, you have to reach for the place where you should be with that postgrad degree x x x

Hanna said...

Wow. I was gonna say that's EXACTLY how I feel, but Anise's beaten me to it. Still wanted to tell you though.

First thing I thought as well: go outside! But I know how many times i've sat in front of the tv for 24 hours wrapped in the dogs blanket, in my running clothes... sad. The worst thing is that my dog (are there three of me or what) is condemned to pee just outside the back door for days if I'm in that mood. Luckily the dog is a greyhound and she is so very happy with me on the couch with both of us wrapped in the blanket... Dogs are good people.

What you could do is take option 2 but swap the food for the hours of blogger! Blogging is good. That is a little selfish of me but at the present moment I am watching Hairspray with doggie blanket over my legs, and your blog is a really good read. :-)

I have to ask but you probably don't want to: do you need anything for an interview or perhaps for the dog, that you can pop out for? Perhaps walking to a store (non-food). Don't think that it will waste your day because it looks like it will be wasted whatever. Might as well do something you will not hate yourself over later. Wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

You can use a black light to find the dob pee. It will glow.

♥ Bree said...

Hello girls I have returned to blogger after trying to lose weight the healthy way and developing a better mental health I gave up I threw it all away to become "Delicate!!" Threw all my hard work away so I could eat from one extreme to another, to get to my goals quicker!! As many of us do we give up and think it will be easier and quicker to try a stupid diet which you only end up binging and back to square one!!

I am ashamed of my choices and want to continue down my path of being healthy!! I can not believe I nearly threw it all away!! I have decided to give it my all 100% and nothing less!! I will reach my GOALS but in a HEALTHY way!!

I too want to look great in a Bikini, in that Little Party Dress, in those CK Jeans but I want to ROCK them without feeling GUILTY, without LYING to all those around me and to not be KILLING MYSELF in the process!! I want to look HOT in ULTIMATE HEALTH and HAPPINESS, I want to have AWESOME SELF ESTEEM and I want to ROCK CONFIDENCE!! I want to earn the JOY of achieving HEALTH - HAPPINESS - SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE the right way not the wrong way!! I want this more than anything in LIFE and I am going to get it !! It is now or never, there is no looking back!! Please support me and I will return the favor!! I choose to follow girls with distorted eating as I feel they understand what I am going through compared to "normal eating" girls they just think I am crazy!!

http://never----ever----give----up.blogspot.com/2011/02/one-place-to-another.html

I am putting this every where because I know I will influence at least one person out in this great big world to never give up and to keep trying!!

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