So I was having a mini-anxiety attack today during work because I've missed my second psych appointment in 3 days (today's was supposed to be the rescheduled appointment after I missed my first one!). I really need to get better anxiety meds AND my Ambien is running out...
Decided to try drop in counseling to see about getting more meds (with some hesitance, as last year I did a drop in appointment and it landed me in the hospital... ugh). /Somehow because I felt like crawling up the wall or jumping out a window, I ended up spilling everything about my eating, or lack of, and the counselor wanted to refer me to the "ED Team."
A little creeped out that they refer to themselves that way, honestly. I told her I have no interest in eating more food. I just want to keep losing weight (fast) and keep everything the same, minus the binging and the depression.
Somehow she talked me into seeing a nurse practitioner to "talk" on Monday. But I really don't think I can/want be talked out of my ED. I'm too fat to recover.
Does anyone know how to do the invisible/white text trick? I want to start doing this when I list food items, so people can choose to highlight it or skip over it if lists of foods are triggering...
Intake for today: 100cals.
Friday, May 29, 2009
So I was having a mini-anxiety attack today during work because I've missed my second psych appointment in 3 days (today's was supposed to be the rescheduled appointment after I missed my first one!). I really need to get better anxiety meds AND my Ambien is running out...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'm in a bad mood.
Threw away the granola this morning. Opened the bag and shook it into the trash can. Surely I would never dig loose granola out of the trash. I think that would be me hitting rock bottom.
Also threw away my green olives. Ate too many yesterday, and while they are low cal... they are NOT low in sodium.
So from the granola and olives I'm like uber puffy. It sickens me. I just want to be small again.
Today I am allowed 100 calories but I'm only having 50cals (strawberries that I ate for "lunch"). Need NEED NEED to slim down. I have a huge list of things that need to be done and I can't seem to manage to do anything.
If I can just get my weight down, everything else will fall into place, yes?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ok. So I'm dumb. And totally regret my anti-sunblock rant because now I'm sunburned.
This is not my fault. Well it is, but it's never my fault. How was I supposed to know that ANYONE could burn when it was 74 degrees out?!
Thankfully it's just my shoulders and part of my back/neck. I took a picture to show you all, but my arms looked too fat so sorry you can't see my "wife beater" burn. haha.
Got super anxious yesterday about the tapas so I had BF call my friend to tell him I was having anxiety from my medication. So I didn't go, which makes me happy because I like to eat by myself unless it's something like lunch today where I packed 50cals worth of grapes and 20cals of strawberries so I could feel ok about eating in public.
I *think* I'm out of the 120s again, yay! This means ABC has already kicked the graduation fat out the door. Unfortunately, I stopped by Whole Foods to get more grapes and something led me to the granola isle. Damn it, they had my FAVORITE kind. It's the kind you have to scoop out of the little bin because it's local... Vanilla Cherry with dried cherries. It's white and pink.
Damn. So I ate a bit of that. But I was holding on to my remaining 200 calories today like my life depended on it, so I think I'm ok. And I haven't even been able to get to 500 because it just seems like a HUGE number right now. Isn't it strange how calories can do that? Sometimes 80 seems like nothing and sometimes it seems like a great reward. 500 right now seems like too much... I guess if I keep up this mindset, ABC shouldn't be a problem.
I took passport photos today to send to the school I'm going to go to next year for my masters. Funny actually, I walked into the copy place right after work (so I was wearing the wife beater, no make up, and my hair was pulled into a ponytail and headband) and asked the guy how late they were open. Then I showered and did my hair and put on slightly too much make up, as I'm convinced that you have to cake it on otherwise my pictures come out with me looking awful, and went back.
Me: "Can I get my passport photos taken, please?"
Guy at Register: "Sure. Over here.... erm, were you here a few hours ago?"
(it's only actually been like an hour but whatevs)
Me: "Oh yeah. I had just gotten off work."
Guy: "Wow! You look so... different!!"
Me: "Uhhhh right."
OK, douche bag, put your tongue back in your mouth. A) I had just done 4 hours of manual labor and was damn proud of myself B) I'm wearing whore make up so I look normal in my picture C) Even if I DO have low self-esteem, I am out of your league.
I have to admit though, I keep looking at the crappy Polaroid pictures because I look fucking thin! It's obviously a lie or a gimmick but I have such a sharp chin and prominent cheekbones in them. I even asked if I could keep the ones with my eyes closed because they're magical or something. Hmm... if in fact, I do actually look like this, I do not know what everyone is fucking talking about because I will take this over my chubby old round face any day.
Seriously, get these pictures away from me. And someone hand me some aloe!
Monday, May 25, 2009
I have to meet my friend's new fling tonight. Stupidly I told him last week that this tapas place was really good... so now I'm roped into going there. UGH. I'll just pretend to take nibbles of food. Thankfully since it's all shared, no one notices that you haven't eaten.
Hopefully I don't have to order a drink to fit in. If I do, I found out the calorie content of my favorite dessert wine (Moscato d'Asti - 140cals) and I'll just get that and sip.
Yesterday and today I am allowed 500cals (or less). Yesterday I had my grapes (50cals for 25 grapes) and a plate of raw broccoli w/ mustard (30-40cals). So 90cals total.
Today I had a little more than a cup of watermelon (40-50cals). I'll probably eat a cucumber (45cals) right before we go out so I'm not tempted by anything at the tapas bar, but it's good to know I have some wiggle room today... not that I'm planning to use it.
Ho hum. I'll post my weight loss every Sunday just because I want to post real weight loss, not just water loss or anything. But I'm already down and feel better so I'm quite pleased.
Last Friday I ended up ranting to my therapist about my blog and how much I prefer blogging to real socializing at times. She doesn't know what kind of blog it is, only that I communicate with a lot of individuals "who can relate." I've never told this therapist about my food issues.
She smiled and asked if she could see my blog sometime.
Uhhhhhh... no. Of course, I smiled back at her and said "Maybe someday." Fuck, it's anonymous for a reason. *rolls eyes*
Faz27 has started a Weight Loss Competition that looks fun. I am joining the Red Team. I encourage everyone else to check out the rules and join in!
All my love, and a special shout out to any guys that are reading! I have tried to stop using "girls" and "ladies" as I don't want to exclude anyone ;)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Everyone has finally left, and I can start to get things back on track. It was terrible how much food I had to eat, my mother and I agreed we had never eaten so much in our lives stacked up like that... but BF's family, it seems, socializes through eating. "OK we'll all meet up for dinner/lunch/brunch/dessert" UGH. But BF's mom kept tut-tutting at me about my weight so I had to keep up appearances.
Her: "That dress looks so pretty on you. Where did you get it?"
Me: "Oh, it's a vintage dress I found in a little shop."
Her: "I imagine you've probably had to buy a whole new wardrobe..."
Me: "Pardon? I don't understand what you mean."
Her: "*embarrassed* Well, you look a lot more... erm, trim!"
Me: "*awkward* OH! Well um not really."
It's almost sad. I was asking BF how much weight he thinks I've lost in the past 2 months (15-20lbs) and he said THIRTY! God. It just shows me that I can never go back to that weight because clearly I looked like a cow. Now I'm just a little cow. Or a piglet.
I've gotten sunburned from going to 4 outdoor graduations in the past week. But I refused to wear sunblock because A) I was lazy B) It was sticky C) I'm of the opinion I'll just burn anyway somewhere.
A little color is looking good on me. The pink is fading and turning into a tan. I'm normally SO pale but I have the ability to tan sometimes which I attribute to my strange mix of genes (Anglo + Italian) and the fact that I'm always covered in layers and indoors.
But the small tan on my arms and face make me feel so much thinner. It makes me want to start tanning. This is a bad idea because I've already had melanoma in high school (bleh that was an ordeal)... so everyone is super frightened that I'll just fall over and die one day after I spent too long in the sun.
Sigh.... I start working next week on this outdoor project for a month. I'd like to get an "accidental" tan so that I can't feel guilty. Bought a bunch of camisoles and I'm going to Target today to pick up some men's undershirts. Ah, I'm so bad. But I refuse to have a farmer's tan. So bad but it feels so good.
Pasco and Ophelia have inspired me to start ABC. My weight during/after this graduation week has gone up to and maintained at about 121... which is surprising for me. I mean, I know that's a huge gain from like 115 but I can't even tell you what gross things went into my mouth 3 or more times a day. So I was so worried I would be 125, 130, or 140.
But just to be safe, I'm going to say my start weight is 123.
Yay! I'm excited. I have loads of good produce from Costco (BULK BULK BULK) so I won't run out and start binging on bad things. My goal is to try and eat something small every few hours rather than saving it up for one meal, because that usually ends up in failure.
Off to go eat some frozen grapes! Maybe some mustard and raw broccoli for dinner.
P.S. I don't tell you all enough, but I absolutely love reading everyone's blogs and hearing your comments on my blog. You all send me the most insightful and curious comments. Basically everyone, you are fabulous!
Think Thin or Stay Fat!!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Some google searches that have lead people to my blog:
*"I had swine flu"
*"Pigged out my fat"
*"Word for sick from fried food"
*"Laxative short term fit dress"
*"Irrational anger in boyfriends"
*"While I am going step forward ... sick"
*"Loan pictures for posting"
*"Sick of everything blog"
I especially find that one fitting.
*"What kind of site is Savory Sick?"
I'm not sure if I should be concerned about this... my imagination ran wild with what kind of person might be googling this. It involved kitten sweaters, soccer games, and a quiet midwestern town. Or it could be something completely different. I should just stick to concrete things instead of letting my mind wander.
A lot of people find my blog searching for "low calorie tapas" ... this my friends, I can help you with.
I've found the following exhaustive list of tapas with ingredients and recipes for each. So you know what you're ordering and what the fuck is in it!
Now, when I go out for tapas, I find that most of the food... like all "bar" food, is usually fried and greasy. But never fear! The wonderful thing about Spanish Tapas is you share the little plates, and no one really pays much attention to how little or how much you are consuming.
But generally, you want to stay away from the aioli, anything fried, and things that look creamy. Things that are sauteed are ok because they're using olive oil. Don't be afraid of olive oil! It's good for you.
And munch on olives if you feel you need to be eating more or there's nothing for you to eat. The olives are super healthy and are usually marinated in vinegar (which suppresses the appetite and is GOOD FOR YOU!). If you look around, there's usually fish options that are safe as well.
My safe bet is usually olives, gazpacho, and if I want to splurge I'll go for patatas bravas (because sauteed potatoes and tomatoes are better than fried balls of who knows what).
But look through the list and be glad that you're prepared for any tapas bar your friends can throw at you.
Don't forget about alcohol. Calorie wise... Liquer > Wine > Beer > Cider > Cocktails.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
So real women have curves?
Am I the only one who has always been insulted by that statement? In all my rantings and ravings, I have nothing against overweight women. My mother, Paula Deen, is overweight, and she's possibly the most wonderful woman I know--most of the time.
But I do have a problem with certain concepts within the "fat feminist" movement... which came out of 2nd wave (that should start to give you a hint, as 2nd wave feminism may have opened a lot of doors, but they also set women back, in my opinion). Yes, fat people are discriminated against. Have you ever watched a TV show and just felt sorry for one of the actors because you know they got the job simply because they're obese? And their role in the plot revolves around their weight? It's sad, truly.
But the answer isn't to strike out against everyone else and glorify these women as the "real women." I've never been chesty. It's quite embarrassing really. So when I gain weight, I gain it pretty consistently everywhere, and maintain this sad little pear shape. And when I lose weight, it's the same thing. So, needless to say, even at my heaviest, I've never really had "curves" ...maybe child-bearing hips, but that's about it. So, when America Ferrera's 2002 movie came out, in my sophomore year of high school, I felt singled out.
I'm not a real woman?
In 1908, archaeologists in Austria discovered a curious little pre-historic statuette they would jokingly name the "Venus of Willendorf." Her carving is suggested to be an idealized representation of female fertility (with pronounced genitals, belly, and breasts) and not a realistic portrayal of a woman.
Though it was a joke to compare her to Classical depictions of Greco-Roman Venus (with a small but shapely body, and modesty that's nowhere to be seen in the pre-historic figurine), one can see a juxtaposition between the "primitive" and the "civilized."
I argue, that this same depiction can be seen today. Models/celebrities versus "real women." And somehow, thin women are not real.
Now, I think this has an interesting twist. Why are even anorexics shocked by "pregorexia?" For the two reasons that: A) The woman in question is endangering a life other than her own and B) Even we associate fertility and child-birth with ideals of curvaceousness and weight gain. It's natural.
Does our pre-historic Venus represent a wiser people's realization that "real women" have curves? That we should be idealizing and worshiping fat? I don't think so. I believe that there's a difference between fertility and womanhood. And I don't think that body size or shape has anything to do with how much of a woman you are (if you really want to get into it, I think the argument can be made that pre-historically there was less access to food and a large woman would represent someone who had more resources, and thus it would have been a status symbol, but that's an aside).
If you listen to the rhetoric of fat feminism and the fat acceptance movements, you'll notice something interesting. They always use eating disorders as the foil. If you don't accept fat women, "big beautiful women," you are putting women at risk to develop disordered body image, anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS.
Who are they trying to convince to accept them? The general population? Or themselves?
Bottom Line: Be proud of who you are, fat or skinny, and don't resort to putting the other side down to bring yourself up.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I am SO tired. This medication is taking a toll on me. I'm either wired or a zombie :)
Sorry I haven't been around to blog and comment. I haven't had much time to myself. But hello to my new readers! Thank you for following me!!
Went to Costco yesterday with Paula Deen and bought like $100 worth of produce. I have cucumbers, baby cucumbers, broccoli, grapefruit, and baby watermelons. I washed and froze a bunch of grapes and strawberries, so I'm pretty much set.
Peeked at the scale, and I'm def. up... but I'm positive it's just like what happened when I had binged a few weeks ago and I ballooned. As soon as I start starving again, the weight will just melt off. I like to look at this positively and think, "If I can gain weight quickly, I can lose weight quickly." I think I've said this before! But I have to keep it in my mind so I don't get upset. Everyone wants to eat all the time, it's gross.
Friday morning we had brunch with Paula Deen, BF, and his parents. I went to the bathroom to curl my eyelashes and apparently BF's mom started grilling my mom about my weight. She was very concerned about me. God. I'm secretly kind of sad that Monday when BF's brother flies up, I'll probably be all bloated and won't have maintained my underweight figure... his girlfriend is a total fatass and I dislike her. She's doing "weight watchers" but every time I see her, she's eating the worst possible things. So I kind of wanted to rub it in his face.
I'll post graduation pictures later maybe... most of them are in my ugly ass cap and gown which makes me look like a puffy Hogwarts wizard, so I'll see if there are any of me in my dress.
Tomorrow BF is graduating. My freshman year, I told Paula Deen that when I graduated, I wanted to eat at this ridiculously fancy restaurant. I'm not unhappy that we're going, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like my ED is going to kick in and I'll freak out about having to eat like 4 courses and start pushing my food around or something... definitely I won't ever be able to eat here again, so I wish I had been able to go here when I actually knew I was going to be able to relax and just enjoy it. I had to keep phoning in for 20 minutes straight before I could get through to get us a table a month ago, like it was a radio station and I was trying to get free concert tickets. Bleh. If only I could have been starving this whole week and then saved all my calories for Monday. I don't know, I might just snap and go into binge mode and eat my food, Paula Deen's, and BF's hahaha.
Alright dear readers, I have some time before we have to go into the city for shopping so I am going to try to furiously read and comment. All my love to everyone!! Think thin and reject advances from fatty food like it's an ugly guy :)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Bleh. I'm trying not to weigh myself. I don't want to feel like I've undone everything.
Since my mom's been here we've eaten at the worst kinds of establishments. Don't get me wrong, the food is all grade-A, but there's absolutely nothing safe... sigh. And I can't get away with not eating or pulling any stunts because when my mom saw me for the first time she said:
"SAVORY!!! ... You are too thin. WHAT would Paula Deen say?! She would have a fit!"
So, she and BF are conspiring, I swear. Last night he said I would be more attractive if I put on a few pounds. Thanks but IDK. I don't kare.
My one meal a day has been eaten at a Jewish Deli, Gourmet Bakery, and Old Fashioned Diner. I'm screwed.
Not terribly bloated but I'm not thin enough. It's sad. And there's nothing I could do about it except take a few diuretics because I couldn't play with laxies so close to the big day and with family in town. I can't make any excuses about food poisoning when we're all eating the same food... lol!
The other day my adviser was asking me what I was going to wear for graduation:
"Oh, I didn't want to buy a new dress, so my mom is just bringing up my senior prom dress because it doesn't look that Prom-ish."
"Wow... I can't believe you can still fit in it!! I would die if I could fit in my wedding dress blah blah babies babies blah blah big hips and boobs now blah blah..."
I can't tell if this was a compliment. It kind of seems like she imagines I must have been like 20pounds thinner in high school, but I'm a little thinner now than I was in senior year if not the same size at worse. My boobs are smaller, sadly. I'm toying with the idea of posting a picture from my senior prom and a picture from graduation so you can see any differences... or perhaps just for fun.
If you can't tell, I'm in a bad mood. I feel fat and I woke up at 5:30AM to get ready for something I'm dreading going to. I'm up for 2 awards and I feel like when I don't win them I'll burst into tears or catch on fire spontaneously or something equally horrid. Can I just stay here and read blogs and lose 15 pounds? That would make me the happiest.
EDIT: I'm a little happier. BF just got into a law school after being rejected and waitlisted into 8 others. Finally. I, of course, have been taking this very personally ;)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
18 hours and 18 laxatives later...
There's a fine balance between too little and too much. Case in point:
I just convinced my (idiot) psychiatrist to put me back on Ambian. Trasadone is a joke. Freshman year I was on the Ambian. My doctor told me, "Take 5mg and if that doesn't work try 10mg." That of course, to me, meant don't even bother with the 5mg, start with 10mg and if you aren't passed out in ten minutes up it to 20mg.
This was an effective means of self medicating... until my friends in the dorms told me that I was actually hallucinating if I got distracted and didn't go to sleep immediately. This wasn't a problem for me, as the hallucinations were pretty amazing, but the friends were annoyed, and the people on the floor who weren't my friends were freaked out and afraid of me (this was a substance-free dormitory so everyone was a bit... sheltered).
Soooo, I get really upset when I take pills and they don't work and I take more and more and then they work. Too much.
I have to find that perfect balance.
For the laxies, it was take 4. Then it was take 4, wait eight hours and take 4 more. Yesterday, however, neither worked. So I took 4. Waited. Took 4 more. Waited. Took 6. Waited. Took 3 of some stronger ones. Tried to sleep. By this point it is 7AM and I have stayed awake about 24 hours.
Then I realized that like old drinking patterns (sober sober sober sober sober sober drunk off my ass!), the laxatives were now too effective. And I get no sympathy from BF because I basically did this to myself. But because if it's easy I'm not losing, I have chalked this experience up to a victory for my side.
I've been weighing myself on the shitty scale for the past few days. I'm super afraid how judgemental the Wii Fit is. I just can't deal with that wiggly little CGI scale spewing comments like "What do you think is the cause of your weight gain?" at me. And also, I have created a horrible situation that I secretly hope I'll step on it and because the shitty scale is such a liar (ex. this morning it told me I weighed 120.4 then 116.6 literally 2 seconds later), I'll actually weigh like 109 or something on the Wii Fit and confetti will rain down on me.
This will not actually happen, and when it doesn't happen, and I see a normal number, I'll probabaly run into the bathroom and bash my head into the porcelain tub and watch my body bleed out for funsies.
I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday. Graduation is on Friday and my mom is coming up tonight. The rest of the family is coming up tomorrow. I figure I'll have to eat at least one thing every day (and I won't be able to get away with chopping up a cucumber and eating that with pepper and salt) so I'm trying to starve until everyone gets here.
here. we. go.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I have come to a conclusion.
If it doesn't feel like you are starving, like the weight is just melting off because it's just so uncomfortable... you probably aren't, not matter how few calories you are consuming.
In short: beauty is pain.
Yesterday I ate 300 cals. Today I weighed exactly the same. Uh, by the logic of the last few days, I should have been down at least .5lbs. I rationalized it was because I had gone to bed without any terrible hunger pains, or cravings, or irrational feelings about food.
I spread out my calories and ate things that would make me feel fuller (I apologize to those of you who don't like seeing lists of food, but I have to demonstrate my point):
1 vegetarian hot dog w/ mustard (110)
1 cucumber w/ garlic salt, pepper, & taco bell sauce (45)
Shirataki noodles w/ tomato sauce & steamed veggies (120)
Frozen grapes (25)
So overall I did amazing. If I was trying to maintain, this would be the perfect meal plan... I wasn't denying myself, the shirataki noodles, even though they had the consistency of biting into cooked mushrooms, were only 20 cals and when you love pasta, you can't beat that!
But I lost nothing, which means, that clearly I can't do this anymore. I mean, fuck, I ate 400+ calories of ice cream and a handful of cheese puffs the day before and lost almost a pound... but I was writhing in pain later that night because that's all I ate and I had a sugar crash.
Bottom line, if it's not hard, you aren't going to lose. Now excuse me while I treat myself to a sandwich (omg it's been forever since I've had bread!) and then allow myself NOTHING ELSE for at least 24 hours. The end.
Monday, May 11, 2009
I'm such an idiot.
Yesterday morning... BF starts eating a the worse half of a pint of ice cream, which he bought me last week, in bed next to me. I think it was because the night before in my haze of half-sleep half caffeine high, I told him to eat it before I could get my piggy hands on it. I didn't intend for him to fucking eat it next to me!
What do I do? I take it away from him and eat 450 calories of ice cream and then an hour later 50 calories of cheese puffs he's also flaunting in front of me. Douche.
I then told myself that I was the biggest idiot in the world for eating nutritionally empty food and that I couldn't eat anything else. So I didn't. This was fine until night time when I felt so sick I thought I would die. Add to the fact that I couldn't sleep. But I stuck it out.
Why was I sick though? It wasn't hunger. I think it's probably due to my latest addictions.
Diuretics (Caffeine + NSAID)
Green Tea Pills
Pristiq (it's like Effexor, anti-depressant/anxiety)
So, I'm always a little bit flu-ish now. A mix of nausea and high. It's ok though because I've steadily lost a pound a day since gaining control of my binging and I've only got 3.6 pounds to lose by Friday. My mother arrives Wednesday night and the rest of my family will be coming on Thursday, so I'll be eating probably one small sensible meal a day with them, so I'd like to be 113 by Wednesday (ideally).
Life otherwise is pretty boring. We had the apartment cleaned so it would be sparkly for our families to see but BF has already fucked it up again. Plus we stupidly decided to completely clean out and change our fish tank, so now it smells a bit off in here (side note, in the best intentions I killed my aggressive algae eater this morning. Sad day. He started sucking on my aquatic frog's head so I put him in a large vase last night until I could get him his own tank, but it must have been too much stress because he literally jumped out of the tank this morning and was on the floor in a last ditch effort to erm not die, I guess... RIP vacuum fish!).
Going to Ikea today which ALWAYS makes me happy. I love decorating and organizing and home furnishing. I guess I like shopping for things that don't make me feel bad about myself (AKA anything I have to wear). Plus I like to pretend all the little rooms are my house. I'm such a child. I've already filled myself up on a cucumber with Taco Bell sauce so I won't be tempted by the Swedish delights in their little food court. I used to love to go to Ikea for dinner, that's how dorky I am.
I think I have shared too many crazy things about myself today. Off to read blogs!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
PREFACE: I'm sorry that I haven't been obsessively posting daily as usual. I try to at least read blogs and comment. With the end of uni, I haven't had much time to myself (stupid BF) and I also haven't felt motivated to do anything... but this is all changing. Thank you LuLu for your concern and the wake up call that I have been neglecting ya'll here!! So righteo...
I told Skinny Friend.
It's too early to tell if this was a good idea or a bad idea. At least I know I told someone who is somewhat disordered herself. I could never tell a true outsider. They would never understand. Especially when I said, "I have no intention of recovering, I just want to stop all this fucking binging!"
She says she knew back in March. Hopefully she's the only one. Though at this point, I don't care about people's speculations, because I have come up with several excuses and reasons for my weight loss: medication side-effect, vegan diet, thesis stress.
Anyway, I've been wanting to tell her for some time. Mainly because I hoped she had an eating disorder and I'd have someone to talk to face-to-face, and also because how many times have I read other people who have told (we're just itching to tell!). Though I would never ever tell anyone else. However, I caved and told her now because I've recently started B/P and this freaks me out. I'm still terrible at it. But I was fucking binging when I told Skinny Friend. So I started writing to a fictitious "Ana" begging her to take me back into her loving but barbed-wire arms, and when she ignored my pleas, I turned to Mia.
Ugly malicious Mia. Pretending to care, and then telling me to go lock myself in the health center's bathroom to purge. How kind is that? At least Ana watches out for me. Making me take note of calorie and fat content. Reminding me to check blogs and tweet and write on forums. Keeping me occupied. With Mia, the only thing she gives me is a swollen stomach, a foul smell, and a guilty disposition.
I am sincerely gobsmacked (I feel like I'm not allowed to use UK slang, but it seemed appropriate). My damn professor, major adviser, and stupid co-president all want to get lunch tomorrow. I hate hate hate food. I can't think of anything that can put me in a worse mood faster than: "Want to grab lunch?" NO NO NO.
Anyway, enough of my ranting, and feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to get a bunch of pity comments. That was not the purpose of this post. The purpose was to say that Mia is getting kicked out, and if Ana won't fucking come back, I will have to go find her and drag her back by force. It's getting ridiculous. Gaining and losing 6 pounds twice in two weeks. I COULD HAVE LOST TWELVE POUNDS BY NOW. Sad state that is.
Just in case I'm afraid of the success of reaching GW113, I'm setting my new GW to 108... TWELVE POUNDS lighter than I am right now. I've already whiddled away almost 4 pounds in 3 days through restriction. Need to reach 113 by Friday. I can do it readers. And you can reach your lofty short-term goals too!
Stand up with me, water, crystal light, kombucha, or diet coke in hand. WE WILL RISE ABOVE FAT!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
... For Tomorrow We Die.
I think this echos within the walls of my empty little head whenever I get into binge mode. "Eat now, you'll never get to again." Everything tastes a little bit more intense, flavorful, rich. I get fuller, faster but that doesn't stop me. Tomorrow I repent my sins and absolve myself with fasting, or exercise, or laxatives, or some new restricting plan.
I've mentioned that I have several tattoos. One of them is the phrase "Memento Mori" scrawled across me in antique handwriting. There's a lot of complicated reasons for getting this, but I want to share the history of Memento Mori that led me to thinking about it in the first place.
The phrase is Latin basically meaning some variation of "Be Mindful of Death," or "Remember You Will Die," or "You are mortal." Blah blah. It's influenced a lot of artistic (or what we call art) movements spanning from Medieval sketches of Plague times--with skeletons depicted along with live or dying people--to Victorian society where families would have posed photograph portraits taken of their recently deceased loved ones, especially babies (it was popular to have portraits taken of dead babies because many times this would be the only photograph the family would ever have of the child. The mother usually wore a locket with this photograph inside). It's not a movement bounded temporally or culturally, as death is one of the few human universals across the globe.
(I couldn't bring myself to put up a picture of any dead people, despite my morbid fascination with death, but "Memento Mori Photography" is very googlable and I promise there's no gore. This is a piece from an art installation by Susan Seubert/>)
Sometimes I wake up and want to recover. Other times I feel like this drive for control-perfection, my ED, is the only thing I have and if I lose it, what will I be? No one should be forced into recovery or continue hanging onto a mental illness if they desperately want help. Live, because you will die. I don't have to seize the day, but I do check in with myself now and then to make sure all aspects within my life are how I really want to be conducting myself. Though I wasn't thinking about Memento Mori as it relates here when I got my tattoo and I'm not going to appropriate its meaning, I do think that the over all concept of "Carpe Diem" "Memento Mori" and all that Latin Bullshit can apply to those of us struggling.
It's about living your life the way you want to, because at some point, we will all die and I hope that every one of my friends (online and in the real world) will have lived the way they intended, not going through motions for someone else. Or worse, mentally torn as to how to live. Waxing philosophical.
Ending this entry on a completely non-eerie final word note, I recently started email following a blog that's gives me my dose of creepy/morbid... so if you're into that: Morbid Anatomy.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I am the most broken person I know.
A few weeks ago I started getting weird rib pains, right around the time when I was complaining about my bruised tailbone and hips. I noticed one of my ribs was like jutting out from underneath my rib cage, and me having spent several courses meticulously studying all 206 bones in my body knew this was unusual.
Long story short, something weird is going on but no one really knows what it is. This one dumb bitch doctor was trying to scare me by telling me my ribs weren't attached to the cartilage and were floating around. Idiot. So now I have to go to physical therapy to strengthen my abdominal wall and build better posture for my scoliosis. Apparently, my pelvis is like tilted forward, which I have always been aware of... it makes my back curve in, and my tummy and butt stick out. As if I couldn't look more fat. So upsetting. So we're working on that. I'm going to be at least 7 pounds lighter next time I see this guy (to reach 113lbs in 2 weeks), I'll be interested to see if he notices.
Also had my psych appointment last Thursday, which probably contributed to the down-spiral binging. Got the results from all the stupid psychological testing I did. Results: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder AND Borderline Personality. SUCK IT Dr. M. He sheepishly admitted that I wasn't depressed and that there was a "personality disorder at work" hahaha. This further reinforces my belief that psychology is a bogus soft-science. This will have been like my 5th diagnosis. This one at least has the seal of approval from a test though, so I'm more likely to buy it. I guess the reason it led to my binging is I feel like if I have PTSD it means I'm not strong enough to cope. I don't want to be weak. And I know that this diagnosis doesn't mean that, but I can definitely see why veterans feel emasculated by a PTSD diagnosis.
AND a special special thanks to all my lovely ladies for giving me the kick in the now-not-so-baggy-pants I needed. I did a modified fast yesterday, and I'm back to my rules today, and I'll just severely restrict for a few days and then maybe fast every other day. IDK. But here are my rules:
1) Everything you eat, gets recorded BEFORE it gets eaten
2) No eating before 10AM or after 7PM
3) Only eat Vegan
4) Love the food you are allowed to eat, hate the food you are not allowed to eat
So I'm feeling good again. I'm down 4lbs since yesterday, which makes me hope that a lot of this hideous gain is just food and water. And thankfully my safe food hasn't spoiled yet (stupid produce and its short shelf life).
***Tip Share 2009 of the day: I know I'm not the only one who loves to eat produce with condiments (e.g. mustard, hot sauce). I was using low-fat vinaigrette dressing (25cals per 2tablespoons)... but I discovered something to vary my veggies at the store the other week. MARINADES! A BBQ marinade is only 15cals per 1tablespoon. And they had SO many different ones. I could eat the same fucking vegetable 3 times a day, add a different marinade and I would feel satisfied. So, check those out instead of dressing.
Alright my dearest readers. I'm sending you all my best wishes, love, and support on this fine (rainy here) day! I am not going to let myself keep sabotaging my excellent weight loss when I get so close to my goal by eating like a pig (this will have been 2 times in a row in 2 weeks that I've gotten to almost 113 then freaked out and gained back to 120!). And I'm not going to let ya'll sabotage yourselves either. Don't be afraid of that elusive GW. Get there and stay there!
Eat like rabbits, if you're eating at all.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Not even 2 weeks after I posted my TB rant, I am now filled with the hope that maybe I'll contract a case of Swine Flu. Frankly, I don't care how "un-funny" this notion is as people die of the real flu every year and no one seems to give a damn until you name it something having to do with sad little animals and freak the whole fucking world out about it.
My other reason for not feeling bad about lusting after someone's coughs and sneezes are that I've noticed a blog/twitter trend of other lusty anas and mias wishing the same thing.
Famished 'til Friday went well. Got down past 115 so I was happy... THEN Friday hit and I was bombarded with life. My thesis was due (and my fucking mail server took forever to email it to my adviser so I tearfully broke down thinking it wouldn't be accepted), I had a conference presentation about said thesis that I wasn't prepared for, and this conversation happened:
*me sitting at my conference panel, in my too big size 2 trousers previously mentioned*
Conference Coordinator: "Savory, have you lost weight? You look so thin!"
Me: "Erm, maybe? I haven't really been keeping track."
My Adviser (who is also sitting at the panel): "YES SHE HAS! She's too stressed about her thesis and isn't eating. She needs to eat more. We'll fill up her plate at lunch."
Me: *weak laugh*
UGH. But really, at that point I stopped caring. It was terrible. This whole weekend has been. I've consumed things that I would NEVER EVER let touch my lips. My adviser took me out for drinks and dessert Friday night so I had alcohol for the first time in 3 months. AND apple crisp. I also had had a sandwich for lunch (I can't remember the last time I had bread and cheese and mayonnaise in one sitting).
Because I'm so disgusted at myself I'm going to list every other disgusting thing I ate until this moment: 3pints strawberry ice cream, 2 bags of potato chips, licorice, reese's pieces, pizza, quesadilla with guacamole and sour cream, oatmeal with banana and sugar and honey, Odwalla juice, strawberry soda.
UGH. I never drink my calories. I am the fattest person alive. I gained back everything from the fast. And I know I will get comments about how it's ok because I was stressed and these things happen. BUT ITS NOT OK.
UGH UGH UGH. I'm so mad. I literally ate so much last night that my body made me purge. Spontaneously. It was like "Fuck you, get this shit out of me."
So, basically I'm a failure. At least this hellish weekend is almost over. I'm going to have to pick myself up, lose 7lbs fast, and be stricter about everything. I can't decide if I want to restrict or fast. I might fast a bit with [RayRay] and try and vary my calories again since that seemed to work before. I need some tough love from my readers. Please spit at me or send me hate mail or something.
P.S. Hello to my new followers! I'm sorry that I couldn't be more together at this moment, but trust that I'll be twice as iron-willed and cynical tomorrow :)
Here's hoping I can find a piece of rotten fruit or sick grad student to quicken my transition back to thin! Until then, I am just "Swine."