Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I know nothing of moderation

18 hours and 18 laxatives later...

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There's a fine balance between too little and too much. Case in point:

I just convinced my (idiot) psychiatrist to put me back on Ambian. Trasadone is a joke. Freshman year I was on the Ambian. My doctor told me, "Take 5mg and if that doesn't work try 10mg." That of course, to me, meant don't even bother with the 5mg, start with 10mg and if you aren't passed out in ten minutes up it to 20mg.

This was an effective means of self medicating... until my friends in the dorms told me that I was actually hallucinating if I got distracted and didn't go to sleep immediately. This wasn't a problem for me, as the hallucinations were pretty amazing, but the friends were annoyed, and the people on the floor who weren't my friends were freaked out and afraid of me (this was a substance-free dormitory so everyone was a bit... sheltered).

Soooo, I get really upset when I take pills and they don't work and I take more and more and then they work. Too much.

I have to find that perfect balance.

For the laxies, it was take 4. Then it was take 4, wait eight hours and take 4 more. Yesterday, however, neither worked. So I took 4. Waited. Took 4 more. Waited. Took 6. Waited. Took 3 of some stronger ones. Tried to sleep. By this point it is 7AM and I have stayed awake about 24 hours.

Then I realized that like old drinking patterns (sober sober sober sober sober sober drunk off my ass!), the laxatives were now too effective. And I get no sympathy from BF because I basically did this to myself. But because if it's easy I'm not losing, I have chalked this experience up to a victory for my side.

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I've been weighing myself on the shitty scale for the past few days. I'm super afraid how judgemental the Wii Fit is. I just can't deal with that wiggly little CGI scale spewing comments like "What do you think is the cause of your weight gain?" at me. And also, I have created a horrible situation that I secretly hope I'll step on it and because the shitty scale is such a liar (ex. this morning it told me I weighed 120.4 then 116.6 literally 2 seconds later), I'll actually weigh like 109 or something on the Wii Fit and confetti will rain down on me.

This will not actually happen, and when it doesn't happen, and I see a normal number, I'll probabaly run into the bathroom and bash my head into the porcelain tub and watch my body bleed out for funsies.

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I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday. Graduation is on Friday and my mom is coming up tonight. The rest of the family is coming up tomorrow. I figure I'll have to eat at least one thing every day (and I won't be able to get away with chopping up a cucumber and eating that with pepper and salt) so I'm trying to starve until everyone gets here.

here. we. go.

10 comments:

Lulu said...

two days of no eating!? nice. You're gonna look amaaaaaaaazing for graduation.

and sweetie please leave the laxies alone - they arent doing you any favours in the long term. or even the short term really. preachy preachy yah yah i konw but seriously. you know i'm right. tough love...xx

Pasco said...

I fucking hate moderation. Makes so much sense, and so normal for most people, so why is it so damn hard?

ALL OR NOTHING

candysays said...

same thing happened to me with adderall. Waited to feel it...nothing...took more...then I was awake for 3 days. you'd think we'd learn by now...

Ana said...

Moderation is such a weird thing. I have managed to attain it on and off. Isn't on and off moderation a weird thing? That's why I avoid most things, so I don't have to deal with what may or may not be moderate. Therein lies real balance. lol :)
I want a wii fit sooo bad. Can't afford it. I played it at a friend's house. Apparently it misses me :D I miss it too ... <3
Good luck looking tiny for graduation :D

Oiseau said...

I want to punch those Wii Fit bitches sometimes. They are judgemental!

18 laxies?? Holy shit! When I take 4 even I want to fucking die from cramps. I can't imagine what you were feeling!!

-Karissa

PrettyWreck said...

The Nintendo DS is mean enough. I don't the guy from Brain Age ripping on my weight as well. I'd hunt down the person he's based on and shove a toothpick in his eyesocket.

Ambien increases sleep eating. I'm just breaking myself of that addiction. Just be careful with it, yeah?
Though the laxatives...at least they wound up working? XD

throughraindrops said...

oo i hate that wii fit too
how dare he make me feel even worse by asking why i gained weight

x

Tri Thin said...

moderation is overrated - although I'm sure your cramps are terrible! hope they fade sooner than later.

& really, what were you doing on substance free floor?? jk - I was in one too, my sheltered neighbors HATED me coming in f**ked up at all hours of the morning...& with boys...oooh ;)

Tulip said...

e.i.g.h.t.e.e.n laxatives?! I can't even take 2! Though granted they are max stregth, I'm taking prescription laxatives in excess and popping adios max (http://www.adiosdiet.co.uk/home.ashx) like smarties at the moment, a metabolism-speeder-upper with an added laxative side affect when taken in large doses.

Tulip said...

On a side note, that website is bull.
"What body shape are you?"
"A fat arse?"
"Your answer: You’re a slinky straight"
Wtf?! I wish!

 
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