Sunday, May 10, 2009

Telling My Secret

PREFACE: I'm sorry that I haven't been obsessively posting daily as usual. I try to at least read blogs and comment. With the end of uni, I haven't had much time to myself (stupid BF) and I also haven't felt motivated to do anything... but this is all changing. Thank you LuLu for your concern and the wake up call that I have been neglecting ya'll here!! So righteo...


I told Skinny Friend.

It's too early to tell if this was a good idea or a bad idea. At least I know I told someone who is somewhat disordered herself. I could never tell a true outsider. They would never understand. Especially when I said, "I have no intention of recovering, I just want to stop all this fucking binging!"

She says she knew back in March. Hopefully she's the only one. Though at this point, I don't care about people's speculations, because I have come up with several excuses and reasons for my weight loss: medication side-effect, vegan diet, thesis stress.

Anyway, I've been wanting to tell her for some time. Mainly because I hoped she had an eating disorder and I'd have someone to talk to face-to-face, and also because how many times have I read other people who have told (we're just itching to tell!). Though I would never ever tell anyone else. However, I caved and told her now because I've recently started B/P and this freaks me out. I'm still terrible at it. But I was fucking binging when I told Skinny Friend. So I started writing to a fictitious "Ana" begging her to take me back into her loving but barbed-wire arms, and when she ignored my pleas, I turned to Mia.

Ugly malicious Mia. Pretending to care, and then telling me to go lock myself in the health center's bathroom to purge. How kind is that? At least Ana watches out for me. Making me take note of calorie and fat content. Reminding me to check blogs and tweet and write on forums. Keeping me occupied. With Mia, the only thing she gives me is a swollen stomach, a foul smell, and a guilty disposition.

I am sincerely gobsmacked (I feel like I'm not allowed to use UK slang, but it seemed appropriate). My damn professor, major adviser, and stupid co-president all want to get lunch tomorrow. I hate hate hate food. I can't think of anything that can put me in a worse mood faster than: "Want to grab lunch?" NO NO NO.


Anyway, enough of my ranting, and feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to get a bunch of pity comments. That was not the purpose of this post. The purpose was to say that Mia is getting kicked out, and if Ana won't fucking come back, I will have to go find her and drag her back by force. It's getting ridiculous. Gaining and losing 6 pounds twice in two weeks. I COULD HAVE LOST TWELVE POUNDS BY NOW. Sad state that is.

Just in case I'm afraid of the success of reaching GW113, I'm setting my new GW to 108... TWELVE POUNDS lighter than I am right now. I've already whiddled away almost 4 pounds in 3 days through restriction. Need to reach 113 by Friday. I can do it readers. And you can reach your lofty short-term goals too!

Stand up with me, water, crystal light, kombucha, or diet coke in hand. WE WILL RISE ABOVE FAT!


Tulip said...

Oh Savory I'm so with you. I have not really been binging over the past few days, I have been restricting like normal but I haven't been able to put anything in my mouth without purging. I go through 2-3 days b/p cycles usually about every 10 days but at the moment mia is on my back just for fun because she's punishing me for my 'normal' eating patterns it would seem so I am so with you. I was wondering whilst purging last night (strange what you think about whilst your bent over a toilet) how mia peeps actually get time to live their disordered life because I don't work, I don't go to university or school and even with all that time on my hands I've been pushed for time to work out and purge!
As you know I recently came clean to my mum about ana, I can honestly say because of the situation I'm in it's been my best move yet mainly because she can't do anything about it, she knows she can't and is just trying to understand me at the moment.

Lulu said...

yes. I know i say it on an almost weekly basis but i do really really want to turn my back on mia forever. she's (almost) as bad for my self confidence as just being fat.

and if your friend is disordered then well done on having a real person to talk to about it. give it time. I miss my ana friend who thought it was funny that she ate no fries while i threw up all mine. You guys can do stuff toegther like meet up for un-lunch!

glad to have you back xx

Baylee♥ said...

Hey girly! Thanks for the advice - You're right...i DO want to go, im just pretty nervous about it!

Holly said...

Stay strong hun. I'm thinking of you. <3

Pasco said...

The thing that disturbs me is that purging had become so routine for me. Looking back on yesterday I kind of think "oh, I had a pretty good day" and then it's like "well actually no, you ate nothing but icecream and, get this, kfc, and you puked it all back up"

Good day? Ha! don't think so!

So, you, me (and Lulu too) - turn our backs on Mia together :)

SophiaRuins said...

yay! youre back =]
well its a good thing she wasnt major surprised about it and was like "omg youre sick!" and she understood instead.

and im terrible at B/P.
i tend to turn away from things im bad at, so thats the main reason why i dont do it often.

and im SO with you on the binging thing. if i was to tell someone, i wouldnt tell them to help me recover, id tell them so they could keep me from binging lol

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

nadja said...

i worry about you... ♥

Tri Thin said...

SophiaRuins is right - you're lucky your friend didn't overreact like one of mine, with 'WTF is wrong with you?' & she constantly watched me eat & if I didn't eat enough by her standards she would try and force me to eat more - obviously we didn't remain friends, but she did keep my secret so it worked out anyway.

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