Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Epicure

Damn it. One of my best friends is coming to visit this weekend. She went away to some sciency internship/research thing this summer and claims the only thing to do at this like 1 horse town was go to the gym. So, she went from my lovable a-bit-more-than-chubby friend to being skinnier than me and my skinny friend.

Every time I see her I feel both competitive and defeated. It's hard to judge what she weighs now because she's lost so much weight. Sooo... now I'm thinking that instead of restricting, I should water fast for the next 2 days so I have Thursday to recover before my interview.

Plus, purely logistically speaking, if she's coming, this means my friends (who overindulge in food and alcohol) are going to want to go out all weekend. So, I'll have to leave my hidey-hole of an apartment and venture into society, trying to moderate what I let enter my mouth.

I'm going to re-channel this into something positive. The BF says I can only fast once a week, but I think this is an exception. So, yay for getting my butt into gear again.

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Wanted to expand on something that was inspired by [Ana's Post]. Today, I met my calorie goal of 400, but I had this horrible urge to bake. So, I made some funfetti cupcakes. I'm mixing this stupid thing and I start to think, "What if I reach my goal weight? And I'm *thin*? Will I stop thinking about terrible things like Cheese-On-A-Stick or baking after dark?"

And I came to a realization. No matter how thin I get, I will always be a fat girl trapped in a skinny girl's body. I hate my obsession with food. At one point, it made me feel happy and comforted, but now if it does, it's a short lived comfort followed by intense guilt and anxiety. But yet, I love everything about food.

My friends love to play "Would You Rather," and someone asked "Incredible sex for the rest of your life? OR amazing food for the rest of your life?"

The pig I am was like "Forget sex, I want ridiculously good food every day." This may have hurt my boyfriends feelings lol.

I'm glad to go back on the water fast. Even though I had cravings for food, it was so much easier because I felt like I had something I must stick to. No excuses. And when you aren't hungry, food just kind of floats out of your head until someone or something momentarily pushes it back in. So I guess, my real goals are 1) Lose this fat fast! 2) After I'm thin, work on my "relationship with food" ...I need a break up from it, it's made me vulnerable and needy. Food is the WORST boyfriend ever! hah.

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Have a good night gals! Drink some water :)

6 comments:

My Dirty Little Secret said...

I have that bit of competition w/ my friends even if it's just inside...makes me wonder if they have it w/ me too.

And I totally know what you mean about hitting goal. I feel like I'll always be a fat girl in a skinnier girl's body. 6 mths ago I thought I'd be happy w/ measurements of 34-26-36...well now they are 34-26-37 and there is no way I'm near ready to stop...worries me a bit that I'll never be satisfied you know.

Celia said...

Ahhh that relationship!! I've been trying to work on that myself. A lot of the time, I really am just like "its ok, the food is there if you want it, but it's fuel". But actually if there's food in my cupboard I will eat it.

And how annoying about skinny friend!!

Maggie said...

I am very competitive - I need to be the skinniet, smartest, fastest - especially when I compare myself to my sister or best friend (who is always skinnier than me).
Oh yes - the food relationship.... I love food, I have been obsessed with food ever since my ed tale began. Its a see but cant touch relationship: I go to supermarkets and look at food, I go to cafes and look at the cakes but order a coffee or blk tea. I think the obsession only goes away with recovery ..but I'm going to try and get over it when I reach my goal aswell!!

TINYNINJA said...

My competition (although she doesn't now it) is my partners sister
I weight the same as her now
thought I'd feel better when I did
I don't - she still always looks so amazing

My relationship with food is hard to overcome
I used to be able to eat and not put on weight and be happy with that
but then I lookd in the mirror
and saw what I really was
I find myself looking in the cupboards at midnight for something to eat
and I literally have to talk to myself and remind myself that I'll go over my calorie limit

I find it impossible to fast in this house
if I don't eat, my partner or his mum will eye me suspiciously - more his mum though
he believes me when I say I feel sick - because I always used to (truthfully) before we were living together
but his mum isn't falling for it - I don't think she knows why I'm not eating, but she doesn't like the fact that I've not been 'hungry' lately
I've been making my own (very low calorie)dinner, so she's laying off a bit now
but its fucking annoying
I want to fast soooo badly
I want to feel pure and clean again...


good luck, sweetie
xxx

hey.hana said...

I'm liquid (tea, water, coffee, tea) fasting for a few days! I will keep you in my thoughts as extra motivation :]

See? Some competition is ok... :P

Jaki said...

i have some advice about u and your skinny friend. shes only skinny bc of the environment she was in for the internship. shell balloon up again once she comes home. for the weekend out i suggest u b the designated driver so u have an excuse not to drink and you can encourage everyone else to drink a lot more (calories!)

good luck :)

 
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