Thursday, March 26, 2009

My knobby knees

Update: started at 130/129lbs last Saturday. I'm supposed to be at 123lbs Friday. At the end of Day 4, I had lost additional poundage, and was at 124. I knew all week that today would be my high cal day, but I didn't realize *HOW* high... the BF came to visit my hometown.

I ate:
egg white omelet (100-120)
loads of pizza (1000-1200?? maybe more, maybe less)
[in my defense, our hometown pizza has been eaten by Nicole Richie, flown in by helicopter for "The Simple Life," it's THIS good... I shouldn't let food control me though. I was weak.]
Crumb cake donut (300)
It was a *really* high calorie day. I think I'm at 126lbs now :(

Felt terrible and purged some of it, twice... I don't want to make a habit of this. I think my mother knew I purged because she was watching TV and on commercial she said "You were saying something about bulimics?"... "Uh no?"... "Oh, well we were talking about orchids then." Must be more careful. And never purge again. I'm really bad at it anyway.

Plan for tomorrow:
B-vegetable broth, seasoning, 1 chopped baby carrot (24cal)
L-tablespoon pomegranate seeds (10cal)
D-five diced celery, cilantro, hot sauce (30cal)


So something [Tulip] talks about in her recent post awakened something in me at an inappropriate time (it's disgusting TMI so I'm not going to get into it). This was later reawakened by another post by [hiddenperfection].

As long as I can remember, I have had issues with my body. In the 4th grade, I wore these long pink shorts to cover up this scar I have on my thigh (it's from falling and getting impaled on my Mickey train tunnel when I was a little kid, playing superman on my arm rest...). I hated my thighs. Even more than hating that scar, I remember always hating my knobby knees and pale pale skin. I've always thought I was fat and ugly. Always. I started cutting when I was eleven. I would go into the bathroom, cut myself on my wrists and arms and walk out and tell my mother that the cats had scratched me all over.

The other night my mom told me that my best friend in elementary school who I was always jealous of for being thin and beautiful was "taught" by her mother to be bulimic... when she was like eight. I've like always been surrounded by body dysmorphic and disordered eating.

Up until like just now, I thought my issues with food started with my weight gain in college from Zoloft. But I remember in high school, I was one of the thinnest girls in my class, and I would stand sideways and pinch my skin, and talk about how huge I was. Looking back, I wish I could be that thin again. Hindsight is 20/20. It's hard to see clearly now. I look at girls I am surrounded by, and I see stick thin legs and perfect skin, while I see my own disgusting whale self and horrible imperfect body.

I have wasted my whole life hating myself, every aspect of myself, and I'll probably continue to do so. It's so sad. But I can't stop.


Tulip said...

I can relate alot your post hun. I've always been surrounded by ED also in my family. And even though they may not realise it themselves I see it I just think 'how? How can you still moan about weight, scales, calories, size when you know I have a problem?' (and its becoming clear now that they do know whether they're choosing to ignore it or hoping it'll go away I don't know) I think to myself that isn't normal is it? But then again what is? I've never known normal and the reality is I probably never will do...

SophiaRuins said...

yeah, weights always been a huge issue in my family. its almost like weve always been REQUIRED to be normal weight or else endure getting made fun of the family. my mom refused to let anyof use gain a few pounds so ive always kind of paiud attention to that.
at first, i thought my problem started a while back near last november -ish because of a diet but i think ive always had an underlying problem.

i think that eventually youll be able to accept your body and all its imperfections as well as its perfection. theres nothing you can really do, but give yourself time and just see how things turn out.

and as for binging, dont worry about it!
theres always tomorrow to make up for it =]

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

SophiaRuins said...

oh yeah i forgot to mention, good luck on teh 64 calories thing you were thinking about!!
its really not as hard as it seems =]

im cheerin for yah!

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

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