Friday, March 20, 2009

this post does not deserve the satisfaction of a title

I'm at total fatty failure mess.

Spring Break started. Am I happy? No. I've been crying all day.

The BF leaving is what started it all. No no. Actually, it was the BF wanting to fool around before he left, but I felt so repulsed by myself I wouldn't let him get near me, which of course makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend and an even worse human being. I just don't want anyone to touch me.

So he leaves and I accuse him of abandoning me. This happens every vacation. It might help to know I'm a "borderline personality" so I take this all very seriously. I can't even threaten to kill myself anymore because he just rolls his eyes and says "Do you want me to call the cops? Do you want to go back to the hospital?"

I. Do. Not. Dying wouldn't be terrible though. I've just realized that that would be another thing I'd completely fail at. Last time I was hospitalized, this whiny freshman latched onto me. She had terrible bloodshot eyes and a pretty bruised face. She had tried to hang herself in her dorm. And failed. So I've just come to tell people that attempting suicide is futile because you'll probably fuck it up and then end up in the loony bin with people like me wearing their dressing gowns as capes to fuck with the nursing staff.

Today I purged for the first time. It wasn't glamorous and streamline, but awkwardly performed with no satisfaction. I won't purge anymore. Unfortunately, I had just taken 4 laxatives (it's been like a week!), so I may have purged them as well. Just popped 3 more for safe measure.

Been frantically searching my apartment for my bottle of Hoodia. I'm just that desperate ya'll. Going back on the Wellbutrin and possibly the Topamax (though I think I've like reached a tolerance for the later). So I'm thinking the Wellbutrin + Hoodia will kill my appetite.

The sad thing, is I haven't even been hungry. I just get this weird *there's way too much saliva in my mouth* feeling that I guess is a craving? Or I'm just going crazy.

I changed my flight from tonight to tomorrow morning. But I really just want to stay here alone, throw all my food away, and starve. I need to be alone for awhile. But that will never happen. Dug up an unused journal that I'm going to start using for thinspo/motivation. I used to journal after my first hospitalization, and it helped with the *you are worthless* feelings and the *I wonder where my pointy knife is* thoughts. So maybe journaling this time will help with the *I need to eat everything in sight so I look/feel as disgusting as I am* compulsions.

Sigh, I'm sorry this isn't a very cheery or uplifting post. I'm a rapid-cycler, so tomorrow I'll probably be plotting some scheme to take over a Fortune 500 Company.

Thank you girls for all the lovely comments! You all keep me going when I'm weak, and motivate me to wake me up in the mornings :)


hey.hana said...


It sucks, but if you're like me you know the high is around the corner. Take the good with the bad, right? I'd rather feel intense unhappiness AND the highs I get from being me ((i.e. my brain chemistry)) than lead a boring, typical, eventful life. Right?

You're tough. You'll get through this.

Now suck it up and stop eating, for goodness sake's how is that going to help anything?

Ana said...

I love stories from girls who have been hospitalized. I eat that stuff up. Is that wrong?
I hope you feel better, hon.

Anonymous said...

I thought the almond milk was good with all bran. I like Almond Breeze, Original Unsweetened but you might like the Vanilla Unsweetened as well. Almond Dream is another good brand, it's not quite as tasty though. If you have a Whole Foods nearby, their storebrand unsweetened rice milk is yummy and has about the same calories. I should do a post on milk subs! I've tried them all lol.

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