Thursday, April 2, 2009

crawling out of my skin

I hate uni. Way way way too stressful. I'm President of an on-campus group, and my co-President is like 45 years old, a returning student. Because of this, she acts like she's got all her shit together, and has a harder life than me because she has to "juggle school" with taking care of her teenage kids and lives in the suburbs. Boo Hoo. She wouldn't survive one day in my broke, crazy, starving body. She vacillates between acting like my best friend and acting like my mother. I hate both... but the later more. Anyway, I check my email daily for my junk mail (Travelocity, HGTV newsletters, United Airlines offers, etc), my real mail (blogger comments, updates on graduation, random emails from people pretending to care about me), and then I know that I'm going to get some kind of mail from her or someone that will force me to interact with her.

To top it off, I just want to sleep all day again and skip my classes (which I can't do at this point because both professors would notice my absence), and just waste away somewhere.

I'm crawling out of my skin.


Binged last night. I don't know what triggered it. Have you ever gone online and read any of the articles about how to stop binging? They're all CRAP. It's all the same things like: "Find your triggers... Don't eat emotionally... Give yourself permission to eat what you want... Wait ___ minutes before eating... Process your emotions."

Bullshit. All of it. That's not going to help. I know most of my triggers and it still doesn't matter. And I can wait 15 minutes or 5 hours and I'll still want to binge. Oh, and if I "permit" myself to eat what I want, I'll just go get 4 more and eat those too.

Fuck everyone.

Anyway, it started off as a little binge. 200 calories maybe. Then added a little more and a little more. Once I hit exactly 1,000 calories for my daily total, I said "Screw it" and decided to try and get to 2,000 (a feat I haven't done in I don't even know when). Everything I ate was "healthy" and "Vegan" but I have NEVER been so sick in my life at 1,925cals.



It was fucking horrible, and I'm like "How do people eat this much in one day!?"

No gain today, thank God. I hate myself for doing it, but at least it strengthened my resolve to stick to my meal plans I've set out... plus all the amazing Vegan cookies are gone, so that's one temptation gone.


Hope you girls are doing better than I am. Set a new goal on the Wii Fit to be at 115 by the end of this month. If I can stop being a fatass pig about everything it should be easy to do. 9 pounds to lose.

Can she do it? Tune in next time.


Tree said...

binging is crazy...cause at times when you fall into it - its like your mind/thoughts are put on pause to make yourself stop and your hand just continues to grab food and ram it into your mouth. =/

belle svelte said...

Yea...binges hurt. I just remember the feeling now. Every time I am about to binge, I just drink loads and loads of water. If it's still on my mind, I say "screw it" and hit 1300. My stomach can't handle beyond 1800 because it just hurts. I don't know how people can handle 2000 recommended amount because I feel like vomiting...even without trying to purge.

For me, trying to maitain a light stomach is key when I am about to binge. The moment I am starting to feel full or even satisfied...I stop. Just pause. Literally just press pause on your hands and think. I pick stuff up (like nuts, or cookies...) almost three/four at a time and instead of stuffing all four...I nibble around the ends. That satisfies whatever cravings I have and I just put all the other cookies back into the covers and move away.

It's strange but it's working.

Hmm...hope all is well. Do go to classes, you'll miss going to them once you graduate.


nadja said...

don't be too hard on yourself for binging, sweetie! i think you're right, it just motivates you more now that you've felt how awful binging is again. xxx!

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