Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fat Cow Pig Whore Strikes Again

I have been so stressed. Debilitating so. There's just so many things I can't deal with right now. Finishing this damn paper. Picking a grad school. FINISHING my undergrad degree. Setting up elections so I can hand over my position as president to some poor sap who doesn't know what he or she is getting into. Setting up loans for next year. Cleaning my apartment so the landlord can start showing it.

I start thinking about all the little things I can't even bring myself to do right now. Laundry. Going to class. Washing my face. Taking my meds.

Putting all these anxieties and listing my responsibilities... I sound like such a whiny little, self-important, bitch taking all her opportunities for granted. There's real people in the world who have real problems and all I can think about is how I can't get out of bed.

Yesterday evening, I was coming home from therapy, and the crazy homeless guy with no front teeth and cataracts or something was setting up his plastic milk crate and sweeping the sidewalk (that's his thing, he keeps my block clean). He looks at me and I say "Hi" and he says "Guess what? It's my 58th birthday today!" "Oh my gosh, happy birthday!!" "Thanks. I'm so happy to be alive! I don't know how other people feel but I'm glad to be here."

Fuck. Homeless guy 1. Me 0. I would have bought him some dinner or maybe even booze (hell, I'm slowly killing myself with my ED, why should I judge him if that's what he wants) but I had left my wallet at home so I wouldn't buy any shitty food when I was out. I rationalized that it was ok since the other week I gave him a bagel after I walked into a donut shop and felt compelled to buy something (yay social anxiety!) after they didn't have my binge-food, crumb donuts.

So since last night I have been on a downward spiral of binging and crying and napping. I want to say that I couldn't bring myself to count the calories, but I just do it without thinking now. It's ingrained. I know, or can guess, with a good deal of accuracy the horrible number I am ingesting.

The only thing that is going to make me quit all these binges is going back to being a strict Vegan. Then I won't be able to eat so I feel some kind of emotion other than numbness, I'll feel such incredible guilt that I made a promise to these animals, and I failed. There's really no binge food that's Vegan... and I'm not going to Whole Foods anymore to buy the luxuries. Fruits, veggies, and a teeny bit of soy to get me through my days. I think if I can get back on track, I'll feel less out of control about everything else in my life.

I'm glad you girls are doing better than me. You all are sincerely my motivation!

13 comments:

Laura said...

I always feel so bad for homeless people. I'm just a softy on the inside I guess.

I wish I could go vegan, unfortunately my parents slash family slash peers have a hard enough time accepting my vegetarianism. Ah well, when I'm on my own, for sure!

hey.hana said...

This post is a manifestation of how I feel. Thanks for this. I'm not so alone

Maggie said...

I know what you mean with the uni stuff. I'm doing my undergrad at the moment - havent gotten to the thesis/honors year but the pressures and stress is driving me insane. I have so much to do that I dont know where to start, and then i end up doing nothing. In addition i'm at quite a competitive uni ~ everyone around me is so incredibly smart that i feel behind and not good enough. I've always been a perfectionist whether its to do with food or study or anything i attempt. Anyway, i wish you luck with all your responsibilities =) ..i'm of to spend the day in the libary again. x

Kate said...

Thanks for your comment.
I despise sucky days like this. All you want to do is disappear.
You can pull out of it.

what if summer... said...

i feel the same way. i'm so overwhelmed by stress that i completely handicap myself and fuck up all of my chances to DO anything. i know how it feels to think you're being a self important bitch when people in other places have bigger problems to deal with other than school and whatnot. i've been feeling that for a couple of weeks, and it sucks. we can feel useless together and maybe we'll have a good day together (but separately lol). when in doubt go to fmylife.com. some of the posts are really funny and others are just depressing. hope it forces a few chuckles out of you. :)

-Summer

Pasco said...

I know it sounds conceited, but sometimes I think being smart and middle class makes life more difficult. People's expectations of you are so high and you're constantly reminded of how you can do or be anything you want (so long as it carries prestige). It's bullshit because there's so much pressure to make the right choices and be a success that you can't just relax and do something that feels right for you.

belle svelte said...

is it totally wrong that I chuckled when I read the part about the homeless guy. ah me, I whine and moan and bitch and rant...when there are others sweeping my streets clean and generally making my daily existence taken for granted by me.

anyway. you know what's working this week? i am thinking in the lines of..."I am going to NOT eat today. NOT." so I eventually DO eat as mum watches me, but I try to minimize everything because I am FASTING. Even though I am not, I am fasting. Just saying fasting means I am working on a process of cleaning my innards and that anything going in is just slowing down the process.

AND every time i EVEN THINK OF DAIRY...I think of whey & curds and how that's visually similar to cellulite.

http://biology.clc.uc.edu/Fankhauser/Cheese/Cheese_5_gallons/26_finish_curd_cutting_P3120290.jpg

or

http://cheesaholics.blogs.com/cheesaholics_anonymous/images/imgp1397.jpg


DISGUSTING!

hope that helps =)

or you know...read Sinclair's The Jungle. That helps too.

bSve

Lulu said...

TODAY WAS CRAP BUT JUST THINK HOW MUCH BETTER TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE!!

Tomorrow you're going to go buy the stuff you need to be strictly vegan again, get out of the apartment, get some exercise, and come home feeling recharged revamped and in control again.

xxx

shimmery slippers said...

Oh sweetie, I utterly sympathise. I feel so torn and pulled in a thousand directions, leaving some vacuous void where I used to be.

There is this overriding emotion of failure and depression, which is exacerbated by intense guilt at feeling depressed, when to many outsiders you have absolutely no right to do so.

I am here for you, and you know none of us would ever dream of judging.

Much love and hope you feel okay soon,

ella xx

Jenna said...

Shit. That homeless man is kicking my ass at life.

I would just like to say that your problems are legitimate if you feel they are legitimate. No one knows what goes on in your brain. Things are not as objective as we like to think they are. I believe our interpretation of the world matters even MORE than reality. Because our interpretation is what we experience, right?

Wow, that was probably very unclear. But I just want to say that you're in my thoughts and I am rooting for you.

Tulip said...

Oh hun, none of us would ever judge you or your problems or the way you handle them, what right have we got?! What right has anybody got?! Hope the mood and stresses ease up a bit soon for you.
You know where I am.

xxx

Dancing in the Shadows said...

That homeless guy makes me feel like I am such an unthankful, spoiled person. But in any case, as all the people above wrote - that doesn't mean my problems, or your problems, or anyone else's problems are not legit. Granted, we are better off than the homeless man, but we're also human so we're going to have our share of issues that bring us down, right? Don't take it out on yourself so harshly - take care of yourself. You're not a fat cow pig whore. You are a beautiful, eloquent person who is going to seize the day! :)
<3 Samaire

SophiaRuins said...

hearing about that homeless guy made my day so much better.
i feel more selfish now, but still better =]

im sorry your under so much stress! i cant handle stress either.

and i have social anxiety too =o


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

 
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