Friday, April 3, 2009

My New Mantra

Ok. I need to get a few things off my chest. Hopefully no one feels I am being cruel in the process, I'm just tired of my own shit and excuses.

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But, in order for myself to be better, I need to come to terms with something. [Button], thank you for following me, I welcome you as a reader :) However, I want you to know that your presence is extremely triggering for me. That said, it's my own fucking fault I chose to binge on burritos and chocolate because I couldn't process my own emotions after reading your blog. I'll get over it.

There's a girl at my school who's writing her thesis on pro-ana online communities. I've had to avoid her like the plague. Literally. When it came time for her to present her findings, I had to excuse myself because I didn't want to out myself (I had a post dedicated to this, it was so much more eloquent but alas).

There's a lot of things I avoid. The Food Network. Donut shops. Restaurants. My friends.

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That being said, I'm tired of emotional eating. And I'm tired of being stuck in the low 120s. I'm tired of being a fat cow pig whore to food. If you haven't gone and read [Jenna's new post]... uh do it now, and bask in the glory that is the sunshine of her words.

Jenna and her inspiring, motivating self is my Mantra. All you girls really are.

If I feel myself falter from my well planned meals for the week (today --> 73 cals. I can do it, no prob!), I will silently chant ya'll names and remember how strong everyone is.

Do I want to be the only weakling in a pack of vicious kickass girls? Uh. I don't take orders from food.

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Anyone else want matching leather jackets right about now? In XS?

7 comments:

Jenna said...

Aw, THANKS! That's so sweet! And honestly you're MY motivation. Awesome. Period.

Oh, and avoiding eating disorder talks, restaurants, people, food on TV and food in general is my day job. And night job.

button said...

Hello Savory Sweet,

Thanks for your welcome, I do appreciate it.

I just wanted to clarify as well, that the contents of my blog is basically me working out (from a more research/theoretical standpoint) what is happening here in cyberspace. Nothing I say is final or even correct. It is an interpretation. Observing this community is a way to understand many aspects of our culture.
But may I ask... does it make you uncomfortable to be interpreted this way? Or do you care that there are those out there who, despite your full disclosure about your feelings, simply cannot understand what you go through?
I'd like to think that on a human, woman to woman level I do understand, but that for the attempt at objective research I have to disseminate what you are expressing.

I'd love your thoughts

nadja said...

hun, i love the (new, right?) look of your blog!

Lulu said...

Woo! i'm so glad you're feeling motivated again. I've had a bad few days and I'm thinking now might be a good time for mini-competition Part Deux. What do you think? Up for sat till sat again?

Gosh that button blog is interesting. Reading it really made me think about how i identify within this community. I'm not sure if the introspection is 'helpful' or even how i would classify it. It is probably helpful from a recovery perspective, and unhelpful from a weight loss perspective, I find objectively thinking about my obsession often pushes me to crumble in my resolve (briefly) only to be full of regret and self loathing within a few hours/days. Is that what you mean about it being 'triggering'?

Tree said...

is it just me....or am i finding that person "button" a bit...invasive...

Laura said...

Leather Jackets!? Hell yes. xD

Skinny Lady said...

I swear I was calling myself a fat whore pig cow just the other day!

 
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