Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Don't Worry About Me, No One Ever Does

Sometimes, I get these total Eeyore Moods. Not like depressed. Like worthless invisible moods.

My school is huge but my department is pretty small. Even so, I'm a very vocal individual and have made my presence known. So, a lot of professors, staff, grad/undergrad students know who I am: "Oh, it's Savory she's so bright and quirky!" I'm a perfectionist (preaching to the choir, I know most, if not all of you are), so even when I'm in my deepest depression, self-destructive, rapid cycling moods, and skipping classes, spending days in bed.... somehow no one notices. The important stuff--midterms, major papers, projects, group assignments--all get done or I make excuses so they get done.

But if I were someone else, I swear I would have figured me out by now. Noticed something was off. Revealed to the world who I really was so they would stop praising me for being an excellent student and tell me to get out of my damn bed and wash more than one load of laundry every month. Everyone would finally see that what they think is my top work is really just me meeting the bare minimum to get by (though, I've often pondered, if I wasn't sick/a-fucking-lazy-ass, and I was like everyone else going to the library until 3AM every day, working all the time, what would my work look like?????). They would know that what they thought was a good scholar, a friend, and a nice person was all an act because they can't deal with who I really am.

They don't see me. Maybe they just don't want to. I'm worthless and invisible.

Don't worry about me, No one ever does.


fun facts (disclaimer- no offense intended). The 100-acre-woods are full of crazies! I've compiled this list based on what I thought I made up but some psychologists beat me to publishing (Shea et al 2000). I disagree with some of their findings, so here are mine. Feel free to voice your opinion:

Winnie the Pooh-- Binge Eating Disorder
Rabbit-- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Piglet-- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Tigger-- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Eeyore-- Major Depressive Disorder
Owl-- Narcissistic Personality
Christopher Robin-- Schizophrenia, he thinks his dolls are really communicating with him!

The article really warrants a read, if not just to peak at the picture of Pooh with his hand in a honey pot labeled "Prozac." Let me know if you're having a hard time getting a hold of the PDF and I'll email you one. I may just be slap happy :)


Pree said...

Your post scares me somewhat, because it feels like you literally read my mind! I have this same thought that I'm really just a fake and a hypocrite, and if I really was as brilliant as people thought I was, maybe I'd really achieve something, as oppose to just existing and pulling things off...

your post has really struck a nerve with me. you've said it all so well.

(sorry I couldn't offer anything a little more positive... I guess you could take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in feeling this way).

you're not invisible, no matter what you think xx

Anonymous said...

Hey you are not alone! I know exactly what you are talking about it - I think we're all aware how eating disorders are much more common among overachieving girls... I try not to imagine how much i could get done if I didnt spend the majority of my time lying around in bed, trawling the internet or sleeping. And yet everyone thinks i'm the clever hardworking one...

I love the winnie the pooh analogy, I always saw myself as bit of an eeyore but I guess I'm probably closest to Pooh these days.

And I think most people have great difficulty recognising problems they dont understand. Like, my friends would never notice how much i struggle because they see a smile and good grades etc etc. It must be easier from the inside looking out because I feel totally in tune with everyone else's neuroses/problems...

Sometimes I just want my housemates to hear my crying and come to comfort me, except I'm always so careful not to make any sound, so how do I expect them to understand??

ARgh my turn for a novel! I hope this helps you feel less alone - while we all might be virtual people to each other, we get it!! love

Anonymous said...

in regards to Christopher Robin's problem:

Lily said...

Wow I absolutely love the Winnie the Pooh connection! That's awesome, and so true. :) I know those "eyore moods" too.

<3 Lily

P.s. I'm new to blogger, sooo if you want to read my blog it'd be much appreciated. :D

Tulip said...

I'm having major issues around this atm. I actually think this plays a big part in what I do. Its almost like I want people to notice me, I want to be the person they gasp at but I don't want them to know what I'm doing. I don't want them to see how deep it goes, how far I take it or even how fuckin hard it is to even get out of bed some mornings... I feel as if sometimes I'm screaming and nobody is even looking, either they know its an act, they know whats really going on and choose to ignore it in the hope it or I will just go away or they know and just shrug it off as me being a drama queen or something along those lines.

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