Friday, April 17, 2009

Chalices

Was blessed this morning with a loss of 2.4 pounds.

Just fucked that up. Royally.

Been doing well for the past few days severely restricting and cutting out unsafe food and vowing not to eat after 7PM. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Today after scary lecture I go and visit the ladies in the office I used to work at. It's been a while since I've seen them. They coddle me, and immediately start talking about my weight (I can count on these ladies to be frank!). "Girl! What are you eating? You have lost your butt!" Thank God. Anyway, they are concerned but still think I look good (I don't know how they thought I ever looked good, but that's a digression).

So that perked me up as most people have either not noticed or been polite.

I call the boyfriend to say I'm coming home since it's the weekend and I just want to relax. He informs me that he's not home, but with his friends. Immediately, my legs want to do a 180 and head to the donut shop and pick up some sweets to comfort me in my huge disappointment. I stifle it. Go home, veg, eat some minestrone soup (90 cals)... supposed to be my one and only consumed item of the day.

Boyfriend comes home at like 10PM and I am grumpy and having ridiculous emotional cravings. He wants pizza because he's a jerk and hasn't eaten. I am strong at first, then decide that I'll be ok with only 1 piece as 300 cals won't kill me. We get a 12" pizza. I use a fork and knife so I have to eat slow.

I reach for a second piece. BF grabs my hand (and it hurts) and starts yelling at me about taking a big piece and how I said I wasn't going to eat any other pieces. He gets mean when he's hungry. In any event, this of course makes me feel like the HUGEST FATTEST PIGGEST BINGE-WHORE ALIVE and I immediately start crying and screaming and yelling maybe and slam my laptop closed and run away and lock myself in the bathroom.

BTW, bathroom is not safe. I realize this soon afterward as I remember I may or may not have a knife stashed somewhere. Look for it, can't find it. Hear boyfriend leave the apartment. My stupid head wonders if he is going to the corner store to get us some snacks (COW!). I go over to the pizza box to see if he ate any. No. Good. I then grab my knife and hole up in the bathroom again until he comes back. No major damage but I have to start from day one again after being more than a year of harm-free.

He comes back (no food) and is mad at me for some reason (WTF!??!) and says he has been studying somewhere. Leaves again. I immediately go get the pizza and eat my remaining 3 slices out of anger. I've never binged out of anger. He comes back as I'm guiltily finishing off the last slice.

I am officially the most pathetic person ever. It's ok though, I found where he hid my laxies and I took 3 and two colace and I'm praying to whoever it is you pray to in this sort of situation that I didn't gain.

Oh, ironically, my "Tarot of the Day" card was the Four of Chalice advising me to resist temptation. Oops.

11 comments:

what if summer... said...

oh man... nothing will send you spinning into an emotional mess like a pissy boyfriend. i'd have done the same thing. the situation is always so ridiculous, but those boys always just hit you where it hurts.
lame.
i always like seeing people i haven't hung out with in a few months just so i can see how much they've grown around the face and midsection. one of my friends blew up like a balloon after high school. everyone tells me i look exactly the same, so it's very reassuring. but hey, you've shrunk according to your office pals, so You: 1, Food: 0.

Lulu said...

Oh i'm sorry sweetie, though i kind of love the idea of eating the pizza just to spite him!

You've been doing well recently, half a pizza is not going to end the world, its gonna make you better at resisting food today, now you know you've got something to make up for right?! xx

Jenna said...

I'm sorry its been a hard day. But you will get past it, I promise. You're awesome.

RayRay said...

Ugh I hate them sometimes. Boyfriends. Sorry dear :(.

Dancing in the Shadows said...

Sorry your boyfriend wasn't the nicest today :( But stay strong! Tomorrow will be better. Awesome people like you deserve awesome days. :)

<3 Samaire

PS: How effective is Colace? I've taken Exlax before (didn't work at ALL) and Dulcolax (works really well, but it's pretty strong, so I am not keen on using that often...).

Pasco said...

I ended things with my boyfriend yesterday. You want them to make everything better but it's so easy for them to make you feel worse. They don't GET it. When you already feel fat and out of control and disgusting, the last thing we need is a reminder! My boyfriend was always a little TOO encouraging when I'd go to the gym or reject food. I just wanted to scream at him THAT IT ISN'T NORMAL TO RUN FOR 2 HOURS AND NOT EAT AND YOU SHOULD HELP ME NOT TELL ME TO DO MORE!!!

Hmmmm... yes

On another note, I'm not sure how much salty water I've retained because I'm doing my darndest not to weight myself until Wednesday. Could be a horrible morning because I've felt HUGE lately. Even after the flush I didn't feel empty and I just can't feel hungry. Bingey mcBinge-a-lot.

I'm always shocked reading these blogs and realising how alike everyone is. It's amazing that this group of girls from around the globe can experience such support and comradery from strangers when the real world fails to understand.

I appreciate you so much, and glad to be able to help :)

EvaPuedeVolar said...

I'm still impressed that you avoided the donuts before coming home. Boyfriends really do complicate things. I keep wondering if it's worth it lately. Also, pizza is just one of the foods that I think makes all of us totally crazy. Nothing good comes from a box of pizza. But every day is a new day to restrict again and be harm free.

You are totally one of my favorite people in the whole world right now and I'm sending you love.
<3 Eva

SophiaRuins said...

i binge out of anger quite often.
it sounds like your bf was a large source of unhappiness today.
maybe you should talk to him about it?
dont let the fact that you self-harmed today dictate whether youll do it tomorrow.
remember,
your strong and no amount of pizza or knives can break that.
plus you know the pizza could always speed up your metabolism and make you lose more weight!

dont get down girl, i know you can do it =]


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

nadja said...

sweetie... *hugs*

Tulip said...

:-( hugs <3

maia fye said...

Hey its tough i know ... i hope you wake up in an excellent mood today - take care of yourself. X

 
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