Friday, April 10, 2009

Where is my damn planner? My moleskin?

Hello Readers. Thank you for your concerns, especially the lovely comments from Belle Svelte, Lulu, Dancing in the Shadows and Jenna (and anyone else I might have missed!). So sorry to have worried you. I'm feeling better today. I think I was having panic attacks, too much caffeine, lack of food (not a bad thing), a bad conversation with another psychiatrist, and I decided to step my meds up so I would be more alert and kill my appetite... bad idea. The only good thing that came out of yesterday was I realized that my new gummy vitamins come in 2 gummies per serving (thanks Hana for inspiring me to get them... I haven't craved candy for days!).

Here's the post I had originally planned for you all yesterday. It's still relavent today as I'm ridiculously flighty and scattered!

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I need to start writing things down. Can't keep track of time. Last week seems so long ago, and let's not even talk about how long the month of March seems to have stretched out.

Having a hard time remembering things. To whom did I talk? When was the last time I saw certain people... makes me even more motivated to stay locked up in my apartment.

I'm a shut in. For sure. But I like it here. Drank black coffee with 1/4 almond milk. I hate coffee but my body needs it, somewhere inside whispered to me. Falling apart. A little bit. Can't let anyone see me. Not when I still look so normal, so fat.

Need my moleskin.

It's raining here. I love the rain. It's like the world is telling me I can start over. Fresh this time. The clean smell and the gentle breeze is calming, especially when I'm feeling so frazzled. I need something to ground me.

I need something to shake me up, get me out the door. Integrate my cycling moods and quiet the screaming voice in my head, "You are piggish! Look at your ugly sguiggly thighs... you will never be worth anything. Everyone stares at you."

Sigh. Sometimes I feel so sane and together.... other times, I am fractured.

Must find my planner. If I can't rely on myself to count the days, something must for me.

10 comments:

Jenna said...

I'm glad you're (relatively) okay. And I too am a shut-in. I can't bare for people to see my fat, disgusting, ugly self.

I just want to say, Savory, that I adore you and think you're shamazing. Really.

Natasha said...

I get really crazy when I have too much caffeine and no food...very frazzled...just try to stay positive...

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
-Stacey Charter

belle svelte said...

hey you...i am glad you are feeling better.

Reese said...

Hey lady, so glad you're feeling better... xoxo.

hey.hana said...

"Now the rainman gave me two cures
Then he said, "Jump right in"
The one was Texas medicine
The other was just railroad gin
And like a fool I mixed them
And it strangled up my mind
And now, people just get uglier
And I have no sense of time"


Oh Bobby D how did you know?

nadja said...

i'm glad you're feeling better. *hugs*

p.s. i can't function without my planner, either :)

Pasco said...

I hate coffee too.. I feel like such a childish loser! Everyone LOVES coffee! I take caffeine pills instead. WAY cheaper, easier, and you can control exactly how much caffeine you're taking :)

Tulip said...

I feel so close to you Savory, you are so amazing.
I must confess I am a bit of a caffeine addict, I drink at the very least 5 cups a day plus fizzy drinks inbetween :-/ As for the days stretching out I can relate to that, I put it down to lack of food but I don't know my memory is just terrible, yesterday seems so long ago...
<3

SophiaRuins said...

i used to feel like a shut in a lot.. i liked it better than now since i have to find clothes that hide me enough so i can hold up my commitments previously made...

hmmm,
im sure this foggy mood youre in will clear up soon =]

take care hun


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

dancing in the shadows said...

You shouldn't be sorry for worrying anyone~ Everyone is here to support each other :) I'm glad you're feeling better though!

I love the rain too. It's so rejuvenating. I like thunder storms especially. The purple and blue hues in the sky are so beautiful during storms. :)

 
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