Thursday, April 16, 2009

Sticky like your Soul

Trying to restrict to make up for the damage I caused binging. I'm hoping to be down 6 pounds by next Thursday. Ambitious, but if I play my cards right, it can be done.

Just ate 1/2 cup of Irish Oatmeal (150c)... I haven't had oatmeal in as long as I can remember, but as part of my restricting plan, I'm trying to go for things that will stick with me and keep me full. We'll see if it curbs cravings. I also need to get better at drinking water. 3 weeks ago, I was a star! Kept my little bottle everywhere with me. I've been neglecting it.

So I have 42 pages on my thesis and I still have to write one chapter and the conclusion... so I think I can definitely hit, if not overtake, my goal of 60 pages + appendix. V. glad.


Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. Unfortunately last week I started freaking out and decided I needed a second opinion because my current psych thinks I'm just depressed and medicates me thusly (though I shouldn't complain, he does have it written on the chart to never give me anything with weight gain effects, and once prescribed Topamax basically so I could drop some Zoloft weight...). Second psychiatrist was an idiot and didn't understand why I would want to go around my first psychiatrist's back. HELLO! I have anxiety! I'm not confrontational!! You should understand this being in the Psychology field!! Idiot.

SO now my psych knows I skirted around him, so I tried to play it off: "OH, you were on vacation so they scheduled me with this other doctor and I just asked him about getting a second opinion because none of the anti-depressants have EVER worked but I decided that was a stupid idea since I only have a few months of school and basically I'm dumb and really anxious. Is it hot in here????"

At least this was a wake up call for him so he finally listened to me as I spilled my guts out about how in the past year even though I stopped cutting, I've started meeting up with strangers to do drugs (which is SO not me), binge drinking, OH and losing 20 pounds in a month+ ??? I played the last one off like I didn't know what was going on because I'm not ready to confront this demon.

Psych decides to order some psychological evaluations to see what's really going on and starts throwing around the possibility of me being bipolar AGAIN but says something to the extent of "Oh, I still don't think you have a personality disorder, even though you fit most (Uh read ALL) the criteria... I think MOST college students do. Just a transitional phase of life."

Thanks dumbass for managing to downplay my personal turmoil and insult the college population that you're supposed to be caring for in one swoop.


Bleh, just writing about it leaves a foul taste in my mouth. I was supposed to hang out with one of my dearest friends tonight, but he mentioned something about us making sushi... which I just can't allow, so I'm going to have to call and cancel. Sad. But I need to see lower numbers, stat!

Thanks for all the amazing comments, girls! I love my readers and blogging is probably what keeps me grounded :)


Pasco said...

Sweetness you're wayyyyyy too lovely to have a personality disorder. I work in that field, and those bitches are SCARY! I really really hope you find some meds that work for you. But just a shout out to say I love the personality the way it is xx

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