Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Chalkboard

I'm sitting here in class and I can just feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes.

God I hate my emotions. I don't even know why I am going to start crying. This is the first time I've been to this class in a week and a half. I just want to get out of here. And this is my favorite professor.

Sometimes, I get in these moods where I feel like I'm in this space with everyone but I'm the only one there. I'm depressed and anxious at the same time. And no one sees me. I think I could start bawling and no one would notice.

I really want to start cutting. I won't. won't won't won't. But the itch is so present. It hasn't hit me in so long. Trying to rationalize it out. I'll feel amazing. Wonderful. Powerful. Then I'll feel incredible guilt. Hate myself every time I see the cut. The scar. For months. Worse than the worst binge. Ugh, I really want to.

Holding onto my wrists. They're the only part of me that I think are actually tiny. I don't think they can get smaller. Kat wants us to make a list of our reasons to lose the weight. Brilliant.

Inside, I know there's only one real reason, one driving force. I want to hurt myself... I want to tell myself who is boss. And I want everyone to see how damaged I am. Frail, broken.

Short term, the weight loss makes me feel a little positive about myself, what I see in the mirror. Long term, I know I'm just self-destructing.

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Seriously, I just want to save this as a draft and then delete it after a reasonable number of days. But I promised honesty to myself and to my readers. Even the things that are completely and totally fucked up. And I edited this for content. Can't even manage to write the scary shit in my head... don't even be worried. I'll be bouncing off the walls in a few hours, I'm sure.

8 comments:

Dancing in the Shadows said...

You said not to worry, but I still am. :T
"Inside, I know there's only one real reason, one driving force. I want to hurt myself... I want to tell myself who is boss. And I want everyone to see how damaged I am. Frail, broken."

I actually feel that way too. I want to be so tiny that people will see me, and clearly see how broken I am. But I don't want their pity. I don't know how to explain. I just want to be the tiniest, thinnest thing in the world. haha

Cheer up~

Kat said...

Aww hun I know how you feel. I'm a recovering cutter too. I try so hard but sometimes it's all I have...and I hate the scars. I can't even hide them anymore. They're so many and so deep. I don't need more...but sometimes I just mess up. I also totally understand the bi-polarish feeling of being completely hopeless one second and happy the next. I also really respect your reason for losing weight. It's like that for me too, subconciously. I deserve to be a broken shell...and I have to beat my body into submission. It's so sad, pathetic even...but that's life.

Luv ya girl, stay strong. Feel better soon. =)

~Kat

Sarah. said...

Worried about you beautiful girl.
Dont cut, you'll regret it later, you know you will.
Use ana as your guide;
dont give into binging, dont give in to cutting.

I know what you mean by feeling like the only person standing in a crowded room (listen to Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin)
Bring back the wonderful happy Savoury, shes just hiding at the moment.. She will return :)
xxx

Ana Nas said...

I hate when that urge to cut comes over you. It's almost like drugs and the guilt you feel after is like coming down. When I haven't cut in a long time it's when I want to do it the most because I know that it will feel like the first time all over again.

Keep your chin up hun I know you can make it through the urge.

shimmery slippers said...

Darling, it is so hard at times I know. At other times it seems almost impossible to control myself. I have just dragged myself from a cutting phase. The relief never outweighs the impending shame and regret.

I know you feel alone in your space sometimes, and whilst I am not physically occupying it with you, I am there in spirit. I think we all are.

So much love,

ella xx

Meggy said...

doooont cut hun :( theres so much other shit you can do that wont hurt you. take a walk, draw a picture, anything! dont cut :(

belle svelte said...

don't cut. you can do this. keep posting, and people will reply but whatever you do...don't cut! please.

watch fat people eating. watch models fall off the runway. watch a funny movie. anything but what you are thinking. and you're moods will pass!

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