Monday, April 20, 2009

Paradox.

Today I got [Skinny Lady via Random Anorexics'] approval. I'm in love with that website. If you haven't discovered it on your own, or seen it on my sidebar links, go read every single entry they have and then do it again. She called me a "skinny bitch." I ate it up. But the story behind it warrants telling.

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I've been feeling manic since my psych bumped up my meds. Well actually my moods have been cycling pretty rapidly. Crying, angry, happy, more anger (lots of anger), doubt and despair, you get the picture.

Finally, I got to manic. So, yesterday I decided that instead of using this superpower of energy and inflated-self-esteem for good (aka writing my thesis), I was going to use it to promote my blog. ALL DAY. Spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how to get better search engine results. Then I thought I would promote myself by researching and joining a new webring (check!). Later, I spent a vast amount of time searching various forums deciding which one I would devote my energy to. I would later stay up until 6AM between the webring, twitter, blogger, and the forum. Terrible stupid idea. My thesis is looming! So I find a suitable forum that I was happy with, made a little signature with a link to my blog... decided this would surely send millions and millions of new lovely wonderful readers (something that is only important to me in competitive, type-A mode).

In my haze of having no sleep, I didn't even think to check for diction and syntax on these posts I was reading (you'll understand what I mean in a second). I was just happily typing away, offering advice, ranting away, and feeling positive. Then it hits me. I HAVE JUST GIVEN REALLY REALLY TOP NOTCH BUT REALLY REALLY EVIL ADVICE TO A CHILD. I wouldn't have known this except I checked her other posts and she talked about her age in another thread. Now I'm angry at the forum (Oh it's mandatory to list your stupid location in the corner of every post but I can't even know an age range of who I talking with?!). Felt terrible and realized why I never frequented these sites or gave "tips, tricks, and advice" in the first place. But, I just can't stress about it anymore.

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So after that I am still manic and super stressed. Decided to turn my living room into a gym. Move the dining room table up against the wall and push all the chairs into it and put some decorative shit on top of it so it's cute but unusable (I don't eat and BF just eats at his desk or on the bed to annoy the fuck out of me... but I pick and choose my battles). Clear a huge area for my yoga mat and the Wii Fit and my second scale and my free weights.

This morning I wake up happy and ready to exercise. I'm only 2 pounds away from GW2 (113) so I've decided that I now need to focus on toning myself and melting off excess fat on my tummy, inner thighs and working on sexy arms.

Pilates!! Great idea, yes? I rocked pilates and yoga. Wrong wrong wrong. OK, this is not my ED talking, but my stomach (albeit flat-ish) and thighs are definitely flabby. But it was so painful to lie in neutral position at times and I couldn't even make myself do the back rolls because I swear my tailbone/sacrum was going to rip open my skin and tear apart my mat. Then I attempted to do some 'superman' sets (correctly) and I was teetering on my hips and it was killing me. I think I'll have to stack my spare mat on top of the first one and maybe put a towel on top of that for more cushioning. How pathetic.

My fucking ass and hips are bruised. I don't have any padding there! I'm flabby but I can't tone myself if I'm going to walk out of every work out session looking like a punching bag. UGH it's a paradox. Damn my uneven weight loss. I qualify as a 'skinny bitch' according to Skinny Lady because my hips hurt like one, hah!

At least I feel that amazing sore ab feeling. It's similar to the feeling of hunger but you aren't hungry at all, because you just had a damn good fucking workout that kills your appetite. So you're like "Fuck you food, my abs are engaged and I'm strengthening my core." I'm on top of the world (clearly still manic).

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Sending you ladies all my affection! Wish me luck tonight, I have to go to a beer garden and break one of my cardinal rules: no eating after 7..... UGH. But these people haven't seen me in forever and they'll know something is up. There is literally nothing safe. Will have to order something, cut it up, and move it around the plate.

6 comments:

RayRay said...

I have the same problem with my hip bones, painful. Extra mats will help. Good luck at beer garden!

belle svelte said...

ugh you are 113 and I am forever stuck at 127.0. Good job on getting this far, I am really really really proud of you. As for the forums and the publicity...I totally understand where you are coming from, I am trying to "expose" my blog...but to no avail. I am happy with my readers...

also I love the Chalices post. Although...I have a different intepretation of that card--> I always think of a guy who has opportunities in given to him and he is not taking them up rather just complaining about what he doesn't have and what little he has. Hmm...maybe I am channeling my own attitudes into this card but I do like your interp =)

bSve

TINYNINJA said...

haha I'm with you on the pilates thing...
my hipbones dig into the mat and get massive bruises on them haha
but somehow i find it satisfying
if its bruising my bones... then the fat must be disappearing :)
well, thats my philosophy anywho lol

xxx

Sarah. said...

OUCH!
Surprisingly i know the feeling, my fat hips also bruise all too easily during pilates/yoga..
i wear layered tops now and use double mats, alot of extra padding..
xo

Tri Thin said...

I gave advice to a 14 year old and I felt like shit for days - I feel your pain, and I try to tell myself I was 9 when I started obsessing about food and weight & I attempted crazy things, but now (at 25) 14 just seems too young.

Meggy said...

oooh love the site! and 115?! thats great!!
and its better to just suck it up and eat something when youre around people who'll suspect things. theres always time to make up for a blunder! good luck babe!

 
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