Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Back at Uni

Wow, one day of not reading/composing blogs makes me feel totally isolated and out of the loop!

So I'm back at Uni and I've had a productive day. Written 12 pages of my thesis in about the past 3 hours so I'm super excited to keep this motivation train choo-chooing along. Also lost .9 pounds since yesterday, which was awesome since I had to ask the BF to hide the Vegan cookies I bought at Whole Foods after I ate like 6 (ugh, 240 cals!). Today I've had an apple (80) with some cinnamon and nutmeg and my plans for tonight are a veggie corn dog (150) with 1/2 teaspoon of vegan garlic aioli and mustard.

Total - 260cal. Getting back on track.

---

So, word of caution. I'm going to sound like a crazy paranoid person. But I'm not.

Don't Trust Anyone.

You'll think there's that one person who understands and won't judge you even though you are flawed and have this fucked up body image, and relationship with everything on your plate. It starts out just telling them little things that aren't major but you can't tell anyone else. You start to get comfortable.

Unless you're talking to a fellow ED, don't talk to them about it. Just don't.

They start out as supportive, understanding, and non-judgemental. But that gets old fast. They get tired of you fasting, and not eating, and counting calories, and pinching pieces of fat on your body. They get tired of you and your ED.

This was sparked by a confrontation with my BF. I live with him at uni so it's hard to hide a lot of these things from him, and because he's seen me through 2 hospitalizations, 3 therapists, and numerous break-ups with my Psych (I think I'm going to break up with him again!)... I thought I could tell him little things, never things that would worry anyone, but you know "Oh, I'm fasting. It's supposed to help you detox and help sluggish digestive systems" or "No, today's a low cal day, we can have that for dinner tomorrow."

Bam. Two days ago he unloads on me about how he doesn't want either of us to talk about food, how he should be able to eat wherever he wants (since I asked him not to eat in the bedroom, esp. when I'm fasting), that I need to stop obsessing about everything, and that if I can't deal with all of these things, I can just go somewhere else.

So of course I freak out, think that I can't go back to my apartment, and that the one person I thought wasn't judging me has been holding this grudge.

To sum up: Dear Readers, don't think you can trust anyone with your secret. It will only end in pain in the long run, and you feeling even more vulnerable. We've kind of worked things out to an extent, but my lips are sealed. And now I'll have to leave out food so he thinks I've eaten, and start lying to him like I have to lie to everyone else. I started wearing a dragonfly necklace (mostly coincidental as I found it in my room and thought it would match) and he gives me these searching looks and "tut tuts"... damn him majoring in psychology.

A word of caution. Don't trust anyone.

6 comments:

TINYNINJA said...

congrats on the low cal hun :)
and wow you have much more concentration than me, I'm still in high school and I struggle to sit still long enough to write a simple essay haha
I'm too easily distracted :)

I'm sorry things got rocky for you and your BF
mine doesn't know about my ED
he works all day so I can lie about what I ate during the day quite easily
but dinner time is hard
lying to him feels so wrong, but it keeps me safe for now
sooner or later things will become obvious I think
but hopefully that will be LATER

good luck with everything
stay strong
xxx

Stina said...

I agree with you about all of that. ugh.

SophiaRuins said...

aw damn. that sucks =[
im sorry that hes being like that, i hate when that happens. at one point in time, my ex who was the only person i talked to about it got kinda fed up too and said he was tired of me being obsessed with my food and why couldnt i just go back to not caring.

hes not like that anymore, and is really supportive but i know most all people arent like that with stuff like this. [its probably the fact that he used to be a manorexic at one point.]


good luck with the low cals and everything! it sounds like youre doing great food-wise =]

and for the 20 calorie tips and stuff, its really just the mindset. its like, i eat one food, that i dont really care for so i dont end up exhausting my resources before the days over, then i jsut forget about it. i dont eat unless the food is put in front of me, or im already in the kitchen and i eat the same number of pieces everytime like its a little meal.

i think the reason im so bad with fasting is because i get it in my head that im being deprived and i deserve to eat, so i start thinking about binging.

when i eat, i feel like im eating a lot of the 20 cals so i feel like the little piggy who cant put the fork down, and it makes me want to exercise more.


well, good luck!

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

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