Sunday, April 17, 2011

Off the wagon

I let myself fall. It makes me so mad at myself.

Basically there's a hole in the wall that I have to fix. My laptop screen is completely broken and looks shattered, which I'm sure is going to get worse. And every time I take off my shirt I'll see how incapable I am of taking care of myself.

To be honest though, I am amazed at how creative I can be when it comes down to finding things to hurt myself with. I guess it's from getting my shoelaces taken away and being forced to use plastic utensils for too long. I adapt.

In all seriousness though, I haven't done this in such a long time, it felt like maybe I had rid myself of it forever. I suppose I just hadn't let all the bullshit and fucked up people affect me as much as I thought. Nothing's changed and I still can't deal with conflict like a healthy person.

The worst part is the incredible guilt I feel. The incident that caused this wasn't even worth the amount of shame I'll feel every time I look at my broken laptop, trying to see around the black shattered bits. Every time I bend in a way that stretches my skin in such a way as if to say, "Hey remember me? I'm hurting."

I'd tell you the long drawn out story but it really doesn't matter and the whole thing was stupid anyway. Isn't it always? I can think of a million different times when I dealt with something so fucked up but didn't let it get to me. Then something idiotic happens and I go into this dark terrible place. I don't know how to get out.

I just want to crawl into a corner and sleep for 8 days.


Ana's Girl said...

Oh hunny, we all fall off that wagon from time to time. Don't make it harder on youself than it already is.

Jenny said...

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it happens to everybody once in a while. Sometime the dam just breaks.
Stay strong,
<3 Jenny

Lina (of Flushed) said...

Hope you feel better. We all stumble and time from time to time, it's just a matter of picking yourself up again when you get bored of wallowing. It's all you can do, really.

Chin up, get out there and show 'em whose boss!
Where there is a will there's a way!

Also: my word verification is "mentos" thas right, The FRESH MAKER!!!!

Cally C. said...

I know what you mean about wanting to sleep for 8 days.
I've been feeling the same lately myself.
Hope things turn around for you, darling. ♥

Jessica Guylian said...

I've been there before. Sometimes the darkest times have to be waded through to realize that what doesn't kill you either makes you stronger or ups your BS tolerance.

Jessica Guylian said...

Where did you go? It's been a long while, hope you're ok!

Anonymous said...

I am worried about you! Where are you??

The Corner Girl said...

I'm a new follower, I found your website on disordered nation. I have ed, too. Do you ever feel like when you are going through this, you just want people to accept whatever you choose to do to yourself (letting you have access to metal utensils, not forcing you to eat differently, etc), or do you prefer it like this, with people keeping you from harming yourself?

Ana's Girl said...

new blog of mine:
Please delete this comment after you come to follow.

AddictedAnonymouse said...

sometimes i throw myself off the wagon because i need a fresh bruise. despite however purposely i go about things, i always do feel bad.

i found your page two days ago, and consumed the entire thing in one sitting. i love it.


my personal demons take turns at the top of my totem pole, but i liken my storytelling to yours.

hopefully it's something you can get behind. xo

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