Monday, January 3, 2011

A Clever Title

I think about you every day. Just so you know. And yes, I am talking about you.

Part Two of Intake History will continue another time. I just need to ramble tonight.

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It's early morning and of course I haven't slept. Outside the window is some kind of owl. I can hear it. Something about the presence of owls feels spiritual to me, in this urban wasteland, like inexplicably finding a smooth river rock at the bottom of clothes pile. It doesn't belong. It speaks of something foreign and natural in a largely artificial environment. Something deep inside you that you've forgotten long before you were born.

Owls make me wistful I suppose. I get a similar feeling when I'm driving and a deer or coyote skirts by my path. I feel as if I've encountered a ghost.

The only light in the room is the faint glow of computer LEDs and the shine of my laptop monitor. It casts forgiving shadows on my arms that would lead me to believe I am much smaller than the mirror would report. For now, that is enough.

I am visiting TR. We rarely see each other now that we are living on opposite ends of the state, for reasons complicated with choice and responsibility and willfulness. He is silently sleeping next to me, and I envy how easy he makes it look. My relationship with slumber is turbulent and bitter. We make poor bedfellows, pardon the pun. I either rejoice at the prospect of sleep as an escape from reality or shun the idea as it seems to quicken my inevitable encounter with another day. Tonight, I avoid sleep to avoid dreaming. I can't bear to relive my worst pains or unfulfilled wishes. Not tonight.

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I recently thought about how easy it would be to slip back into the mindset I had early on in the blog. A mindset that tapered away a little over one year ago. Part of me wants it back. It dawned on me that even if I became as obsessed and dedicated to the task, it would never be the same.

Everything has changed. The community is so different. Those who remain, like me, have moved beyond the thrill of watching numbers decrease, and instead see how little control they have left in the matter. Many who have gone are those I relied on for comfort, laughter, and hope. I've seen the same shift in my own life. My postgraduate course is finished and I can't find a job to reliably pay the bills. Of course, my mind races at the thought of simply returning to school. But the only thing that kept me from ripping out my hair was the companionship of my cohort (and even then, as witnessed by my multiple hospitalizations last year, it was not a guarantee). School was awful. The 'real world' is equally terrible.

I boast to others that I loathe people and shun socialization. It would seem, however, that I am completely lost without it.

Coming to this somber realization, I have little advice left for myself as to how I should progress. Where do I go from here? I welcome the day when my life is no longer a perpetual exercise in existential philosophizing nor a reluctant reliance on others.

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In other news, I still hate myself and think I'm useless, so at least some things don't change.

6 comments:

Anise said...

i second that. all of it. sometimes real life is worse, more terrifying. i miss everyone, i miss how we used to be, but that's the problem with this disorder, isn't it? there's never the stability we're looking for.

one thing. you are NOT useless. i am going to be brave and go out on a limb and say that i need you. i will be back in LA on Jan 6th after seeing my parents for 6 days which has nearly killed me and i need you. because you are the only person i know who lets me do what i need to do and be as i am and trusts that i know in essence how to take care of myself. i need you to take me out to a meal. all right? plus there are a thousand conversations we ought to have. but mostly i just need you to exist in my life the way everyone else keeps running from me. i'll send you a message on FB when i return.

and i'm going to try to not be an asshole and add some disclaimer here that would fully negate myself, because obviously that will get me nowhere.

you are amazing, did you know? i'll tell you that fifteen thousand times until you do.

xx x

R Harlow B said...

I was very glad to see a post from you in my blogger dashboard.

The real world does suck after graduation... and I agree this community has changed. It's not the same as it was, but I can't seem to let go.

~ Harlow

Liz Anatasia said...

I agree with the comments about the community as well as your new attitude towards the number's game. I also boast my love of solitude, of lack of others....but then depend on it so much.
In other words, my recent therapy has thrown me into a different realm. Into one that the online community does not seem to support. This blog has always been refreshing. We somehow remain on the same page in a way....

Lulu said...

i periodically check blogger when i'm feeling particularly fat, aka NOW, and think about writing again. But the excitement i used to have for checking my comments and giving support is gone. its not fun and thrilling anymore, its just the same old shit.

the question is maybe how to quit the community when youve had such a significant attachment to it for such a long time... or maybe that comes naturally once you realise noone is even reading your posts anymore and they arent even specifically food or weight orientated. thats what did it for me...

still reading you and the other girls from back in the day though.

Anonymous said...

Your post was a massive downer. I think that the community you speak of (which I wasn't apart of, but have a vague idea of) had to disappear a little bit. If everyone was as obsessed with the same shit still...THAT would be depressing. Maybe blogging with people who are going down a different route might be good for you? I've read every post you've written, and I would like to discuss and talk with everyone...but I feel like me and my blog are not "disordered enough" for your "community" which even sounds ludicrous to me.(Hence the anonymous label).
What I'm trying to say is that communities change, and maybe you should embrace a new group of people.

Savory Sweet said...

@Anonymous, you make an interesting point, but the problem is everyone still is as obsessed with the same stuff. We've just realized that competitions and losing weight no longer keeps that obsession at bay. We're thin and miserable or fat(ter) and complacent. That's depressing.

The community really had nothing to do with how messed up people were, it *was* the discussions and camaraderie people had. I'd love to read your blog, I've had meet ups around the world with girls from blogger. I hope you'll decide to share your blog, I'd like to read it and I'm sure other people would too. Think about it :D

 
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