Friday, January 7, 2011

No I'm not pregnant, just fat.

Once you've stopped having certain a period (i.e. your body's rather un-subtle hint that something is wrong and you need to start fucking putting some food to your lips), you begin to forget that it's a necessary function. So once you're at the point that you're having them again, and should have them, when they stop, you sometimes don't realize it.

You may even be a little happy about it. Then you remember that you can't fit in your jeans anymore.

Possibly, you're pregnant.

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My dumbfounded realization at this simple statement came after I legitimately couldn't remember when I had my last {insert asinine menstration metaphor here}.

It was like a scene from a movie. I had an overly complicated transaction at CVS Pharmacy, buying a pregnancy test with a bottle of hair dye so I didn't look too concerned about the former. Long story short, I tried to use a Maestro card (it apparently never wants to work) and no one behind me wanted to go to the self-check out--they proceeded to act like I was the one holding up their day. I withdrew cash using said card, loudly proclaimed that indeed had money to pay for the damn pregnancy test and I wasn't some kind of hobo with hypocondria or sexual-impulse problems, and shoved a twenty dollar bill at the check-out girl, mumbling that she should have the card reader checked.

Then I popped into the nearest hipster coffee shop and ordered black tea. As it was brewing, I snuck into the toilets to play the baby lotto. Peed on the stick like a pro as the Shins piped through the speakers.

Negative!

Happily, I burst open the door to the privvy, grabbed my now-tepid tea, and whistled along to "Caring is Creepy."

As I arrived at my car, the thought suddenly dawned on me, "FUCK!? Now I have no explanation for why I'm getting so fat!"

Curses.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Even for a lack of explanation, there is NOTHING better in the world than a negative pregnancy test. The stress alone from that situation might even have you shed a pound or two.

Savory Sweet said...

Very true Anonymous except I was so stressed out about the whole ordeal I thought I deserved fast food.

Explanation for the fatness and probably missed period explained :D

Alyse said...

I love your sense of humor! Congratulations on the negative test.

R Harlow B said...

seriously I died when I read this whole post. Possibly it was the box of hair dye that was used as a cover purchase.

There is nothing more stressful than buying a pregnancy test. For the simple fact if you don't have a ring on your finger (I assume) people think you are a dirty skank.

thank sweet baby J it was negative.

~ Harlow

also thank you for your comment on my blog, it made my day :)

Liz Anatasia said...

I love your blog-that was a real hilarious story...and I can relate to your final realization. Shit, now I have no excuse...

 
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