Monday, May 24, 2010

Absence of God

Rilo Kiley - The Absence Of God
Found at

And I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it.

I don't feel like talking about my failures or my next plan. Sadly, I haven't neglected this safe little space because I've been doing amazing things, or even because I have been spiraling into a horrible decent toward madness, but rather because my life has come to resemble a stagnant pool in a dip of grassy lawn after heavy rain. Unwanted but not particularly noticed. Just sitting there hatching mosquito eggs.

Thursday morning I'm supposed to go to Paris. I am the only 20-something in the world who apparently doesn't give a shit about doing it. Can't I just stay in my room? Better yet, can't someone please please fucking get me some diazapam so I can just dream my life away?

I've decided, last night actually as I was attempting to fall asleep, that I know what the afterlife must be. It's so simple, I don't know why I hadn't previously figured it all out. One of my biggest fears is eternity. Seriously, either way you believe, it's fucking horrible. An eternal Heaven? I distinctly remember, as a child, telling my mother that it must get very boring, and what do you do after the novelty wears off? On the other hand, just try to imagine nothingness. Sure, if you prescribe to that understanding of the world, you die and then you don't exist, but it's still FOREVER. No matter what you believe. There was time before us and time after, and even after time ends there will be an eternity of timelessness.

Time is fucking fucking scary.

That can't be the afterlife. Or the non-afterlife. It must be some kind of dream state forever. You die, you no longer exist as you know it, and then you just dream. And it's a perceived reality. And perhaps there's multiple dreams over this eternity (creating a false sense of beginning, middle, and end) like when you have several distinct dreams in one night. Fade to black. Curtain rises to reveal a new scene. If you aren't a vivid dreamer, I don't think you can quite comprehend how amazing a lifetime of dreaming would be. For instance, if I found out I was going to be in a coma for 30 years, but I'd dream the whole time, I think I'd be OK with it. But then again, I'm convinced I'd be just fine in solitary confinement because could I just retreat into my head and entertain myself for years. Staring at the wall. Paradise.

So that's basically an option that works for believers and non-believers alike. You want to believe your dreams are Heaven? Go right ahead. You want to believe Heaven is actually a fanciful creation of your cerebral cortex? Ok, I'd buy it.

This gives me something to look forward to since eternity is just too fucking much to handle. I can't emphasize the fucking aspect enough.

To get back to my original thought, I don't want to go to Paris. And I'm tired of people trying to reassure me and say, "Oh you know, I'm sure you'll have fun! Just don't worry now and go anyway. You'll be glad you did!" Yeah well screw you. Obviously, you aren't very good at being able to ruin your own prospective enjoyment based on irrational concerns. If I don't want to go, then I don't want to go and that should be the end of it.

Maybe I'm just broken and the part of my heart that's supposed to melt over baguettes and poodles and the Eiffel Tower and brie is just not there. I must have a hole in that spot. I knew there had to be at least one somewhere.

And I'm not my perspective or the lies I tell you every time.

P.S. Thank you Flushed and Ophelia. I'm sorry I haven't responded Pasco. I've started to about 27 times. That last bit applies to almost every aspect of my life, including here.


Samantha said...

Just an idle comment... I always thought I'd do just fine in a solitary confinement situation... turns out it drives me quite mad. Guess I don't like myself that much... need to hear other people's thoughts besides my own. Ever listen to Evanescnce's "Imaginary"? Sorta like your heaven. Sorry random rambles...

Kelly said...

hopefully you will find some kind of fun in Paris, since it appears you are stuck going - make the best of it right? maybe?

or maybe not? & just spend your time wasting away in your room avoiding carbs and all things parisian.

Piglet said...

You touched on so many things in this blog that I think about several times a year.

1. Eternity IS one of the scarest concepts EVER. I used to lay in bed at night as a young child (maybe 7 or 8) and cry about the thought of eternity. Serioulsy cry my fucking eyes out because it was THAT scary to me. My mom would come in and ask what was wrong, but I was so young that I couldn't put into words what exactly scared me so much about it.

2. The afterlife being an enternal dream would be fucking awesomeness...especially if we could CONTROL what we dreamed about. Like in Vanilla Sky. I, personally, believe in God, Jesus, and Heaven...but if for some reason it all turns out to be a elaborate fairy tale, then an eternal dreaming state is what I'd wish for.

3. I often don't want to go places or do things (whatever they are) if I know that awesome food will be involved. I KNOW I won't be able to resist, thus making me fat(er). I'd much rater sometimes just stay home and run.

That is all...

Ophelia said...

Your head is so brilliantly, frightenly beautiful.
Thank you for just being... here.
Ophelia xx

Anonymous said...

That's quite morbid... >.< But yeah, eternity is seriously a scary thought. O.O

Anise said...

if it makes you feel any better, i spent a week in northern france and a week in Paris and most of what i remember is toilets, throwing up in the Louvre and in the hotel room and in the bathroom in random French restaurants and running in fear from the patisseries and boulangeries and chocolateries and eating and eating and eating and FOOD. sure i have some lovely memories of walking for hours on end, of a few museums that are worthwhile (the eiffel tower sucks, by the way), etc., but mostly i think what you'll remember is what you bring with you. so if you don't want to go, by all means, don't. everyone else will have to deal with the fact that you didn't want to go. in the end, you can only do what you can do.

also p.s. i miss you! both in your blog and in real life. anyway you have a friend waiting for you when you get back to the states. :D

xx x

Anonymous said...

hey. im sorry i've been so mia. as in missing in action (ha).

i'm with P 24/7, plus i feel like i have nothing to say.

but i can say this about paris - dont do the lame touristy stuff if you dont want to.

do you know what i think you would really like? the cememtery of pere lachaise. you can spend hours just walking around at dead famous people and dead non famous old rich people's gothic graves. its awesome and still and perfect loner environment.

also, just dont even try the stuff you heard is good. coz it is. and you wont be able to stop buying them, because they are everywhere. dont go into bakeries, and you'll be sweet. drink delicious red wine and people watch.

oh and if you can, go to a club called Queen - its on the champs elysée and at some point they play "its raining men" and glitter falls from the ceiling. its a great camp gay club where noone is watchin you.

i miss talking to you, send me an email and i'll reply when i can. or on facebook - even better coz i check that most days. xxxxxx

Ana's Girl said...

You know something? I wouldn't really want to go to Paris either to be completely honest. What do people find so exciting about it anyway? If you don't want to go, then fight your way out of going. You can do that, i'm sure. Hang in there and stay strong, darling.

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