Sunday, April 25, 2010

Addicted

Food is my addiction.

I'm sure I've known this for awhile, but today it seemed like a revelation.

As soon as I was finished eating, all my troubles came rushing back at me, full speed. And then I realized that while I was shopping for food, bringing the food home, eating the food.... all I thought about was the food.

And afterward, it was like the worst crash you could ever experience. Everything came back, and I almost couldn't remember eating at all. The memory, the feeling, was just out of my reach.

All I wanted to do, at that point, was eat something again. Numb myself. Focus, completely focus, on one single tangible thing in my life.

Is this what heroin is like? Am I a junkie? Of course, I mean that last bit without any hint of the humor it so glaringly implies.

How do you break an addiction that you need to survive? How do I give up food?

I don't even care about losing weight anymore. I just don't want to be that girl who needs her fix, a sugary fattening fix, to get through the day.

I don't want to think about food. I don't want it to solve my problems for a few minutes while being its own problem all together.

Someone please tell me how to detox from one of the few things I need to keep me alive.

14 comments:

belle svelte said...

okay...soo...deep breaths. seriously, take a nice inhale. sorry, haven't kept up...do you still smoke? if not, then don't start.

go for a walk.

better yet, if you have money to spend on food, then you have money to get a gym membership. bloomsbury has some awesome gyms...

lastly.

try just eating fruits...and salads. just go walking around london and don't eat anything...

Ug(lee) fattypants said...

I watched a drug addict walk past where I have group therapy and he was shaking and very pale, it reminded me of how I look after a purge, maybe its all just strokes of the same brush?

R Harlow B said...

I think I'm addicted to food too.I quit smoking and yeah you can just avoid it. But how do u give up food when its something u MUST have?

vanilla finnegan said...

Oh no. I know what you mean. I had gotten to a point where I binged every single day over the period of like 5 weeks or more. Every time I felt stressed or upset I'd grab a couple thousand cookies. Every time I felt like shit over my weight I'd just eat eat eat. It got to the point where my mind just gave in. It decided that enough was enough. It was tired of hating itself. And then I stopped binging.
I don't know if I'm giving the right advice, but I know you can stop. You can do it. Trust me. It'll happen. It will be so, so hard. But it's not impossible. And it's worth the fight and struggle. It may take a long while and countless tries and tons of determination. Don't give up. Just set your mind to it and you will find something else to ease your stress and misery. The something else I found was hunger.
I just hope you find a place where you are at your happiest.

Take care.

xoxo- Vanilla Finnegan
(www.pro-ana-finnegan.blogspot.com)

Anonymous said...

Oh no. I know what you mean. I had gotten to a point where I binged every single day over the period of like 5 weeks or more. Every time I felt stressed or upset I'd grab a couple thousand cookies. Every time I felt like shit over my weight I'd just eat eat eat. It got to the point where my mind just gave in. It decided that enough was enough. It was tired of hating itself. And then I stopped binging.
I don't know if I'm giving the right advice, but I know you can stop. You can do it. Trust me. It'll happen. It will be so, so hard. But it's not impossible. And it's worth the fight and struggle. It may take a long while and countless tries and tons of determination. Don't give up. Just set your mind to it and you will find something else to ease your stress and misery. The something else I found was hunger.
I just hope you find a place where you are at your happiest.

Take care.

xoxo- Vanilla Finnegan
(www.pro-ana-finnegan.blogspot.com)

vee_bot said...

Staying on a protein shake only thing for a while has helped me in the past. I know it doesn't do anything to address the underlying issues, but it can give you some space to deal with this, while you're kind of 'taking a break' from food.
Not thinking about options, pros and cons, what/when/where, cost, flavors, etc etc can be beneficial.
I did this for about 2 and a half weeks, altogether. Just the exact same brand/flavor of shake, 3 times a day.

lizzy said...

as a former heroin user and now 12 step fellowship frequenter, i can safely say that yes that is what its like. its all i think about. my life revolves around the drug. if i dont have it, well, i WILL have it. stopping is not just physically painfull but lonely and empty. i feel somewhat similar about food but definately not to that extent. maybe because drugs are my primary addiction. i do have periods of restricting, if i stop

Mirror said...

Well, there's two issues. The first is, what is the feeling that you're trying to get with the food? The second is, what is the emotional/mental issue that prevents you from finding that feeling elsewhere?

When you can answer those questions, you can begin to find the answer to the overall problem.

Pasco said...

Me toooooooo
me too me too

I'm about to go throw up reeses pieces and fistfuls of jellybeans

not a happy camper right now

x

Maria said...

"How do you break an addiction that you need to survive?"

That is what I would like to know.

I'm starting to notice, too, that it's not so much about losing weight anymore. I just want to stop thinking about food all the time.

I can relate to everything in this post. Everything. That is exactly how I feel.

EvaPuedeVolar said...

Saaaavvvooorrry!

I just want to say that I love you and I love that you are still here.

The only way I have ever been able to get around my food addiction is through fasting. But of course, that can only last as long as the fast. I wish I new a better way.

<3 Eva

SkinnyBitch said...

Isn't it awful? You look back at it and you think, "Dear Lord, it's FOOD. It is INANIMATE and something that other people really just don't think much about at all."

We PERSONIFY food. It becomes an enemy with a snarling face.

It's disgusting.

I haven't a clue how to get over it.

Kelly said...

just wanted to say hi - & I hope you are doing better

drop us a line sometime, miss you

Ana's Girl said...

We all obsess over food, darling. It's what eating disorders revolve around, so we focus on nothing but it. You're not alone in that in even the tiniest bit, so don't even think that you are. And hang in there. It's OK. Just hang in there. I know you will get past this pain you're feeling

 
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