Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Conversations in Passing

Sometimes, most of the time, I don't take seriously the gravity of my situation.

I'll be watching a television program or movie with and adorable little elderly couple. Or see them on a park bench squabbling. And I smile to myself and turn to TR.

"Do you see us growing old together?"
"Sitting on a little porch laughing and bickering?"
"Of course."
"Who do you think will die first? Me or you?"
"You will."
"Why do you think that?"
"How many times have you already come close to dying?"

I live in a world where my partner doesn't actually see me sitting with him on the little porch. In a life where it will be a success just to survive the times. I'm not in a third world country. This isn't a time when there isn't proper medical care.

I live in my own private Hell. It is slowly killing me.


Anise said...

i know i know i know. i cannot really imagine living past 40. this will kill me. or i will kill myself sooner or later because i will want it on my own terms. fuck, it's not really fair, is it? life is too daunting, too much. but there are a few things to keep us going, no? for a little while? i would imagine that TR imagines you next to him for quite a while yet. and i hope so too because if i have to be stuck in SoCal then shit, i need you here with me. all right?

also i have given you an award which you so much deserve.

xx x

Little Dandelion Girl said...

I swore I would kill myself at 30 when I was 13. Then I swore I would kill myself at 20 if I wasn't 6 stone. I wasn't 6 stone, and I am 20. Almost 21. So many threats, so much suffering for us all. So uncool. Like Anise above, I cant imagine living without being so miserable that I carry out a threat or that I have a heart attack post binge while being sick. Why cant we just live? Why does life have to strangle our minds and make everything a living hell. You have come through so much though sweetie, and if you want to, and stick at it, you could recover totally perhaps. I know nothing is certain in our world, I know it is hard, but I have faith in you. In London I watched you in awe. You are something special. I may have only seen you for a few hours in my life, but I noticed it then.

Love x x

P.s I am still in London on Sat. If you are still free and up for it then give me a time and a place and I will be there xx

Dot said...

Everyone in my life tells me they'll out live me, and I completely agree with them.
Thank you for sharing this topic that is rarely addressed.

Little Dandelion Girl said...

p.s I gave you an award too x

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