Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Fellini

I believe this will be attempt number four at beginning this post. Something about me got discarded somehow and I'm useless. Everything about me lately seems awkward, contrived, and forced. What happened to the words that used to flow so easily, the creativity and the drive?

I want everything and nothing. And it seems I can't have either.

This state, thereby, is making me loathe everyone with an ounce of creativity within them. I'm avoiding all mediums of social networking, where I might glance upon someone else's success, and I couldn't even read many blogs because I kept saying, "Why can't I be brilliant like _____ is so effortlessly."

I want to sleep all the time and never sleep. And that is impossible as well.

What is it about myself that I can't accept? That really should be a why question, I suppose, because it seems I reject nearly everything about me that makes me. What does the world have in store for someone like me? Someone broken... but so broken that no one else can know about it?

I want to scream at everyone and be silent forever.

The desk I'm currently using is an antique school desk, with built-in inkwell. I'm looking at the stains and scribbles as if something written there might hold the answers to all my problems. I wonder what the children who sat here before me were like. Did they share my fears and dreams about life? Why can't I just surround myself with old cabinets and pottery for friends. Ask them to tell me stories to put my life in perspective. Stories about days when butter churns were more than just umbrella stands. When your shoes were lined with cardboard because they had holes, but you needed to keep walking. Not for exercise. Just because you had to.

I want to live and I want to die.

The house is creaking as if to tell me I need to sleep. It's saying, "Listen to me settle. Why don't you do the same?" I can't sleep. I keep losing pieces of myself every day. Something about my bed steals bits of my soul, and I wake up less functional, more tired, and without hope.

The days seem too long but I don't want tomorrow to come.

10 comments:

Kelly said...

your words are perfect, you may not feel that way, but they are

I hate to say I understand the ache someone feels, but honestly, I think I know. How sometimes it just hurts to be yourself, but being someone else isn't appealing either. The contradictions that dictate my daily life are exhausting and even though most days I feel like I have nothing, the weight of the world is still on my shoulders.

Wouldn't it be nice if something made sense? at least some of the time?

V said...

If it's any help, I think your writing always feels very natural.

Also, this is a really weird request... but could you post a picture of that school desk? Haha, it sounds really cool!

Anonymous said...

Feeling the same I wanna die and live I need answers,
your writing is great, I love those desks

Char Vicki said...

Just keep in mind that there are a lot of people out there who feel just like you. That always helps me to settle a bit.

Ana's Girl said...

I feel the same in a lot of the things you just said.. and i feel guilty for that because in many people's eyes, my life is good. I have a loving fiance, a place to live, a lot of other blessings... and yet, i really just want to be skinny and since i'm not doing so well at accomplishing that, i feel worthless and blah.
Hang in there. It can only get better from here, right?

Lola-Rose said...

Hey lovely,

Are you still in London? If the answer is yes, and you want to, I will come down on the train and give you a hug, we can walk in the sun all day long and not eat a thing if that is what you want, we can walk so fr that you will be exhausted and your body will have no choice but to give in and rest.

You are such a wonderful person and while you might not believe it, I do,and I want so much for you. Everything that you ought to have I want for you - happiness, success, smiles, rest.

If you are back home, then I am letting you know something random because I wish I were there - my french lecturer is talking at some conference in berkley late July. That has no importance to you whatsoever, I imagine, but I am jealous that she is there, successful, giving talks across the world. And I am here, a young graduate who is very chubby at the moment!!!

LOVE YOU MUCHLY,
xx

still said...

Insomnia is the worst.
It just doesn't ever let you stop thinking. Also, it makes me hungry, as if eating was actually a way to stop the haunting thoughts.
Hang in there. All over the world there are people knowing exactly how you feel. It does give me a little strength to know I'm not alone.
Hugs from Germany.

Anise said...

hi! i feel like i haven't talked to you in a while. "talked" being figurative, of course. anyway. i miss you. i want to come visit you. maybe i will just drive out through the desert and text you when i am nearly there. if only i had your phone number!

anyway. this will make you laugh:
http://www.skinnygossip.com/abbey-lee-kershaw-baby-food-diet-skinny-secret/

because OBVIOUSLY you started that shit. :D

xx x

Violet said...

Hey, I gave you an award :)

My_Barbie_Not_Diary said...

http://www.my-barbie-not-diary.blogspot.com/ check out my blog it's not ana yet, but I'm planing on getting back to it as I go back to college on september... :):):)

 
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