Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ambition

It's 7:27 in the morning. AM if you will. I haven't gone to sleep yet. This has become a regular occurrence. And yes, we're going to ignore the fact that I've been absent for far too long.

Now that I'm writing it all out, talking again to the only people I can be truly (mostly) honest with (if anyone still even reads this), I suspect I know the true reason behind this insomnia.

Everyone says I'm still adjusting to the time zone. What they don't realize is if this is true, I should be going to bed earlier, not later. I should be getting tired in the afternoon, waking in the early hours of the morning. Instead, I wait until the sun has risen, and tuck myself into bed for a good part of the day.

The other thing that complicates matters is I was doing the same thing in England. I slept when I saw the first rays of sunshine light up that horrible little room I lived in.

Something about me has fundamentally changed. I don't feel the same and I don't have the same feelings. I think I just want to be alone. I sleep during the day to avoid company and responsibility and I live my days when everyone else is asleep. Just leave me alone please. It's almost a little alarming. I don't feel terribly strong about much anything, unless you count the ache of my imagined failures.

But I don't need to tell you what imagined failure feels like. It's pathetic how it has become a recurring theme in my lifetime.

I haven't forgotten about anyone, but sometimes I don't think I have enough emotional energy to lift my head. To put things in perspective, my master's dissertation is due on September 15th and I haven't written a word. I just can't bear to put my thoughts into anything productive. I wish you all could just poke around inside my head and pull out something that looks interesting to you. Mental yard sale. I'm probably full of bad records and plastic furniture.

I have a bad cold. I remember the days when I could turn it into a positive and think, "At least I won't be hungry." Right now, sick or healthy, I don't even care. I've come to the realization that fat or thin, hungry or full, I don't feel pretty or happy or successful and nothing is going to change that. What does that leave me with?

If you need to find me, I'll be the one sleeping until dusk. Like a vampire, only less cliche.

11 comments:

Cally C. said...

Good to have you back, lover.

I know how you feel, as I have been through something similar myself for a year of my life. I did the same thing, slept all day, stayed awake until 8amish. I don't remember what pulled me out of it, but I was seriously contemplating becoming a recluse for a few months.
Just know we're here for you when real-world people become too much.

EvaPuedeVolar said...

Missed you, Savory.

thinaire said...

I think I've only commented here once before, but I'm a regular reader of your blog. It's nice to see you again. You're one of the few I can relate to.

Jess said...

I've missed you...good to see you posting again. Feel better

Char Vicki said...

A positive: your realisation about fat/thin/hungry/full!

x

Anise said...

as ever you write with stunning beauty though i doubt you can see it. wish you could. wish i could make you but i know how that goes. the more compliments i get and the more people believe in me the more i retreat and feel empty, naked and useless.

lately i too have been filled with the insurmountably of my failures, real or imagined, past or future, all of them, and it's too much to bear. you sleep days to avoid everything, i take benzos in record amounts and wander zombie-like through my days and pretend i'm normal.

at any rate. can i poke about inside your head and find something interesting in there for you? i know there's things of tremendous value hiding behind the plastic furniture and palm trees. i've seen them before. i'm feeling empty and absent and alone these days, purposeless. say the word and i'll drive out and bring you midnight coffee, extract your brain, write your thesis. just say the word.

blogger has been like the echo of distant brilliance without you lately. don't believe me if you like but it's true. ask Pasco. we miss the old days. we'll never get them back but i'm hoping in some sort of resurrection. there was some sort of joy we had once, wasn't there? some sort of elegance, intelligence, a twinge of delight. it's got to be there still.

say the word. i could use a midnight road trip to the desert. there's always some magic in that, no?

xx x

Peridot (G+P) said...

If you start sparkling, Imma stake you through the heart.

Just sayin'.

It's good to see you're still floating around :)

<3

Pasco said...

Bad records and plastic furniture sounds like a good place to scratch up some 50s pink plastic lawn flamingoes. There's good stuff in there!

xx

Lola-Rose said...

Oh sunshine, where has your sunshine gone? Into your dreamworld as you flee it so?

Painful and stressful as it may be, you can still write the MA. A final and full on push. I am that girl that leaves the summatives to midnight the night before. I hope I can stagger myself this year.

Best of luck, I cannot imagine how stressful the writing might be, but as I said, you can do it.

I am glad you wrote again, I am sad you are feeling so bad. Are you coming back to the uk afterwards of staying in the usa? xx

Lulu said...

you need to take a proactive step to fix this and you know it, and you probably dont want to. But in actual fact you know that this dusk till dawn business will wear away at you.

you need, to make, the effort. please.

i still love you and think you are awesome. (duh) xx

Kelly said...

I'm with peridot, I'll help stake you

& you could never be cliche or lame, but I do hope you figure out the insomnia thing - I know from experience it really starts to fuck with your head.

glad to see you back on here, hope you stick around for a bit.

 
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