late night punishments

I ate a jar of pickles.

5 calories per pickle 16 pickles in the jar. Overall, an amazing way to stuff your face, except now I feel sick and puffy and sorry for myself. I just don't understand why I can't do it anymore. Why am I broken?

I think its partially the lack of diet root beer in the house. Seriously I adore it. I almost want to tell my mom I have to go back to the grocery store (we already made a trip today and filled the cart with safe things to eat!) even though its 9:00pm.

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My friend and I are trying to make our dreams come true. She knows exactly what that means for her. My problem is that I like a lot of things, and I don't think I'm good enough at any of them. How can I chase a dream that's broken into a thousand pieces?

She and I were driving in her car and I remember myself saying, almost as if I was outside the car watching the whole thing, "If I could just lose 20 pounds everything else would fall into place."

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I've eaten 900 calories today. I weigh 142. Yes, you read that right. Say all the awful things I know you're thinking. Honestly, I'd think them too if I was reading someone else's blog that had gotten so far and then just thrown it all away.

The really pathetic bit, is I'm going to go look back at my blog and find out what the fuck I was doing back then that I'm not doing now.

Also, I smell like pickles.

EDIT: I'm pulling on pants and going to the grocery store. Pray I don't get anything else besides the joyful diet soda. Pray that if I do, God immediatly smites my ass in the parking lot.