Monday, October 18, 2010

God's Wrath and a Cryptic Rant

I hate when other people complain to me.

I hate more that I think I have the right to be a complainer.

Isn't that always the case though? Someone tells you how awful their life and you think "Well at least you aren't going through this this and this. I'm the one who has it bad!" And then you realize, that you're them, except worse because you can be self-aware and still not give a damn about changing your mindset.

It's so much easier to think that the world is against you. And it's even easier to think that everyone else is floating in rainbow bubble slush while you are getting kicked in the teeth. What do I have to do to shake that part of me? The part of me that always laments over getting dealt the bad cards. The part of me that scoffs at a God who might intervene on our lives (if there is a God, he is surely uninterested in anything but deep time) but secretly thinks that I must have done something horribly wrong to be punished so profusely.

The worst part is I probably wouldn't feel anything like this, and definitely not this profoundly, except that obviously I've skipped my medication several days too many. It makes me wonder if my meds keep me emotionally regulated but complacent and blind to the true nature of the world. And if so the question remains...

Is ignorance bliss?

I obviously wouldn't be nearly as upset about a topic (that I can't even reveal to my readers because I have no idea who might read this from my offline life) except I accidentally found out about it. And I definitely would feel less bad if I had stayed on the medication that keeps me emotionally drained.

At least most of my day went well. Exceedingly well.


"On the ignorance of learned men:
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."
(Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, 124)

And we come full circle again.


not.quite.ana said...

sometimes i feel like my life is the way it is because i've been a terrible person in the eyes of god :/ and there's this one girl i know who literally spends hours telling me why her life sucks. I can never get a word in, and it's always about how so-and-so guy is giving her mixed signals etc. I dunno, if it was more serious I don't think I would find it such a waste of time to listen... an example of an awful quality of mine?

what if summer... said...

I really only listen to people complain if they're not trying to get me to compare my problems to theirs so my life looks - as you said - like rainbow bubble slush. I don't need the comparison. People have worse shit going on and they fair with it better than people who go through comparatively little. It's all relative to the person... but if that person wants to be an ass hole about it for no reason then to hell with them.

What happened that you're not disclosing for fear of being found out by the real world?
if you've emailed anyone else about it, feel free to just copy and paste ha ha
I'm not gonna lie, I've done the same thing to save time.

Because I go to college.

Anise said...

here's assuming i'm not that one that was complaining to you. seems to be in my nature to assume that but i'm going to fight it this time because i can't remember complaining per se. unless it was about that damned five-lb pie. which i am still thinking about. and lusting after. but that's another matter.

i have spent my entire life assuming i have done something horribly wrong to deserve all this. learning lately that no, i was born fully formed and all right as a baby, and something made me this way, something happened to me. the very young and the very innocent cannot destroy themselves; they can only be destroyed by others. i've been learning how much my parents destroyed me, completely unintentionally. i hate knowing this. it'd be easier to believe i'm fundamentally flawed. somehow it's easier to take my own blame, to be the cause of my own problems, like maybe then i would deserve them. maybe ignorance is bliss after all. but i think the fact of the matter is we have to give ourselves some credit. maybe the world is not against us, but we DO in fact have it worse off than many people. i'd like to think this makes us stronger. maybe that's a lie. at the very least it makes us more interesting.

as already stated i had the most amazing and lovely day with you and K. let's have many more like it please. all the time. get your ass to this city. and OBVIOUSLY i'm dying to know what that topic is that got you so upset. and thank you for the full circle. i feel so terribly accomplished and complete now. :D

OH! also i have been thinking further: i think, in the end, you must write for yourself. no one can read your mind, and everyone is coming from their own place and their own biases and their own mindsets, and so the comments you are going to get are always going to be a reaction to that as much as a reaction to what you write. so you must write for yourself. when i write a post that i am proud of (not that's brilliantly written necessarily because i think it's all shit, but a post that's written as truly as i can or the best shit i can write), i care so much less about the comments. sometimes they're important and sometimes they mean the world to me, but you can never count on them. and there is nothing like looking at your blog after publishing a post and being proud of what you have written - even if it's three lines, even if it's vague - and knowing it's the best you could write or that you've written some sort of truth. i think the truer ego boost comes from that because it comes from inside. i think we spend too much time taking ego boosts from others' opinions and reactions but they're false, in a way. they fall flat. they make us feel better but they do not penetrate. when i write a post i am proud of the ego boost starts from the core and radiates out, and no comment (or receiving no comments) can take that away. so that's how to do it. write for yourself.

annnnd there i go waxing all deliriously poetic when i am awake at 4AM. you're so right, though. no one can bother me in the middle of the night, it's quite a lovely feeling. <3

xx x

Ana's Girl said...

I can always relate so completely to your posts, but i never know what to say to help you because i feel the same questions running through my own mind even before i read that you wrote them... Are you sure you're not in my head? Lol.

Anonymous said...


and yes, ignorance is bliss, i would lurve to be stupid. stupid like i thought people's shit jokes were funny and i believed everything was genuine and that life was mainly good.

and you cant complain with someone else, you both just wait for the other to stop talking without taking it in. but then it doesnt need to be taken in, it just needs saying out loud. hence why we blog. (i do sometimes i swear - but i admit thats mainly when i need a bloody good moan/cry/rant. i shall try to correct this, if i ever muster up the will. )
love xx

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