Saturday, October 2, 2010

Relinquished

I fucking hate how out of control I feel. It's like I'm sitting here watching my life happen.

Even if I wanted to start fasting right now, I can't, because I live at home. And I'm too old to sneak around pretending I ate somewhere else with someone else. Emptying out food into the trash and leaving bowls around. If I don't fucking want to eat something, why do I not have a choice in that? It's my fucking body. I'm not doing anything illegal. Yeah, I know I should at least eat 1300 calories a day, but I also shouldn't be eating the chemicals that get poured into all my food. No one cares about that (except for obnoxious "green" people who shove their lifestyle down your throat... no offense to any of my granola readers).

I'm just so mad at my mother for constantly pointing out that the meal I have planned out won't be enough calories. But she doesn't say anything to my fat sister about her meal which is her day's worth of calories on a plate.

Sometimes it feels like I don't make the decisions in my life. Either someone else does it or shit just happens and takes control away from me. I don't even want to be here anymore. I can't believe this is my life.

I have to take control back.

6 comments:

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kat said...

Ugh how frustrating! That's SO unfair that she doesn't cricitise your sister. Hope things work out soon!
xx Kat

Honor Regzig said...

It sucks that fat people are encouraged to love themselves and the whole Fat Acceptance thing but where's the love for those of us who don't want to burden the health care systems with obesity-related diseases? Where's the Skinny Acceptance movement? I know peeps say "skinnies are always accepted" but if that were really true... we wouldn't be getting nagged to eat more!

Raynay said...

I think its instinctual for mothers to want to fatten you up. That way after the zombie apocalypse you have energy stores. Except all the fat will weigh you down and we all know the slowest get their brains eaten first. So maybe what they are really doing is making you zombie bait while they mosey on over to safety. Bitches.

Thanks for your support :):)

Cally C. said...

It is horrible that when people see a thin frail girl they think, "Oh, how sad." but when they see a huge grotesque fat person, they think it's rude to judge or that's it's "okay" to be fat. It's not.

And soon enough you'll be out on your own and able to not eat whatever you want... It IS a liberating feeling, but a huge responsibility.

Kelly said...

I'm 'green' & I try never to shove my lifestyle at people, even when someone asks I'm hesitant to share - most times I wish more hippie freaks were like me and maybe I wouldn't feel immediately judged for saying I prefer to eat vegetarian/vegan.

Although the double standard with undereating vs overeating will always drive me fucking insane and I will happily point it out to anyone harassing me about my choices of what to eat, or what not to eat. Doesn't have a thing to do with chemicals, just don't tell me I need to eat more if it is obvious you (or someone else) need to eat less....

 
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