Friday, October 1, 2010

Homogenous

I don't understand why food is so important to me. I mean, we need it to live so yeah it's one of the most important things in the whole world.

But why can't I just eat potatoes and oatmeal and oranges (which apparently contains enough nutrients to keep you alive -- no scurvy for you!) for the rest of my life? I mean, I don't think I'd have a breakdown if I had to wear the same outfit forever, assuming it was comfortable yet fashionably acceptable (btw, I would choose a gray hoodie, green cap sleeve t-shirt, push-up bra, skinny jeans, and ballet flats).

Sometimes I find food and eating completely repulsive, but even then I'm obsessed with the idea of food and eating. I used to think that it because I was bored and it was something to do. Kept my hands occupied.

The smoking excuse, if you will.

It's really pathetic.

I need to figure it out. I want to dream about great sex, and buying fabulous clothes, and visiting magical places...... not spaghetti. I'm not even talking about amazing 4-star restaurant pasta, but plain jane spaghetti with sauce from a jar.

I don't want that to be the thing I'm longing for.

My life has to be more than what I'm not eating and what I want to see on a scale.

There has to be more. There has to be.

10 comments:

Violet said...

I almost wrote the same thing, but haven't clicked publish yet, because I can't get it to come out as articulatley as you have. But yes, I agree, to everything.

I think to be able to begin to let go, I'd need reassurance that there was something else. But you can't see what it is until you have let go. Which makes beginning that process a huge leap of faith. Because if you do, and there is nothing else, it's over, and you've lost the one thing that kept you safe, and you're at the mercy of whatever happens, left to deal with it alone. And for what? I'm sure there must be something, because I want there to be so badly, but what it is exactly I don't know.

Liz Anatasia said...

I feel the same day. Sometimes, just watching people it eat and the very sounds they make disgusts me. I am revolted and have no appetite.
Other days I just think about it, how the different flavors could make me happy. Its torture. You want to move on, find something else, not think about the candy machine.
It is so much like battling obesity, like sever obesity, it is stifling.

So glad you are blogging again/I am following!

Piglet said...

I feel ya.

I'm always, always thinking about food. What I'm going to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner today, tomorrow, next week, next month. What I can't eat, what I should be eating, what I don't like to eat, but wish I did b/c it's low cal, what I love to eat and wish I didn't b/c it's high cal.

All the fucking time...

Piglet said...

I feel ya.

I'm always, always thinking about food. What I'm going to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner today, tomorrow, next week, next month. What I can't eat, what I should be eating, what I don't like to eat, but wish I did b/c it's low cal, what I love to eat and wish I didn't b/c it's high cal.

All the fucking time...

Skeleton Strong said...

I am kind of the same way, although I never daydream about the jars of sauce . . . I dream about making a fabulous gourmet one myself, but maybe that's just because I love to cook.

But I often question my love of cooking. Why do I love to create complex dishes that I don't even allow myself to eat half of the time, and when I do, I purge through vomiting or exercise? I do think the eating thing is, on the surface, the good ole Freudian "oral fixation" that you referred to. Something to not just do with the hands, but to do with the mouth.

Beyond that, it's also the basic fact that you're probably hungry, and when you're hungry, it's natural to think about food all the time.

And maybe it's because of something you're missing, or something you were missing as a child. Do you think?

EmptyShell said...

Lol, as a smoker, I've totally used that excuse. I am totally orally fixated.

I love the way you write

Char Vicki said...

There is more. As long as we keep searching, hoping, eyelids-peeled-alert, there will be more.

. . . On the other hand, the best things often come when we least expect them to . . . Life indeed is one giant mystery.

Spacecadet18 said...

I think we can all understand how food has become our one love and our one demise. I can surely relate. It's all I think or dream about these days.

Peridot (G+P) said...

There IS.

We can find it.

CAN.

Anise said...

my god i have the same strange dissociations from food. sometimes i can't understand why the fuck i need it or what it has to do with me, like i shouldn't need it, it doesn't make sense to put something in your body to make it go. i don't think i can explain it right in writing. the whole process breaks down and i can't comprehend it.

also? why can't i dream about eating amazing things guiltlessly?? instead i dream of food followed instantly by panic and guilt and fear and wake in a sweat. like, why the fuck can't i enjoy chocolate cake in my dreams, at the very least?

also. there IS more to life. fuck if i know what it is though.

i am thinking not this weekend but the next. sunday? (oct 10) let me know, i'll come out for the day. i soooo need to see you!

xx x

 
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