Dinner

All I could think about was what I wasn't going to eat. My professor's voice grazed my ears, bringing me back to the lecture... but even as I dutifully took notes, nodded along, my mind was elsewhere:

Do I eat something today? Am I allowed? Maybe just one little thing... I have 2 pounds in my bag that I have scraped together. No no, I'm not hungry.

After doing all the readings this weekend, I felt compelled to contribute something during discussion, even though the reading was never mentioned in lecture (pathetic). I raised my hand and felt very timid, nervous. Then I realized my hands were shaking and this was the third mint I'd eaten in an hour. Clearly, this wasn't working, I told myself.

I ate half a sandwich on wheat bread. Drank a lot lot lot of water.

There. That will get me through until tomorrow.

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Except I went home and made rice. Tried to sleep. Then I made soup, having totally given up.

Two and a half dinners in one night. What will the scale say?

No Title.

Pick up a stone. Feel its weight. Keep it in your pocket.

At the end of the day, take it out and discard the stone. Leave with it, one Worry.

Disconnect

It smells like skunk in my room. While I need to do a thorough scrubbing of the place (right now I'm cleaning out my email inbox) I think it's coming from the kitchen. I like to blame *that* place for most of the upsetting smells.

I've lost quite a bit, quite quickly on my citrus fast. Told myself I wouldn't mess around with laxatives and make myself more dehydrated than I already am.

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As I was cleaning out my inbox, I came across a mass email invite for some kind of symposium about obesity. I've never been obese. I've never even been overweight. But I, like many people who read this blog, am deathly afraid that I will one day have thighs that are bigger than some people's waists. That I won't be able to see my feet.

I asked myself, as I envisioned these things.... "Well, what's wrong with being fat? A lot of people are fat and healthy. A lot of people are happy that way."

This was my reply: "That is the worst thing that could ever happen."

Then I thought about this statement. I say that about a lot of things. Dropping out of school. Getting stuck in a remedial job. Having to cancel my wedding plans. Moving back home. Being less than perfect.

All of these things equate to one simple thing in my mind: Failure. Perceived Failure.

And external judgment. I got back on my American medications and I finally feel a bit normal again. I can do homework. Eat without going insane. Keep food in the house. Go to school. Not wind up in the hospital once a month. My academic adviser asked me how I got through last term in hindsight.

Easy. It was either die or succeed. Going home was not an option. With my shield or on it.

I think, at least for me, there's some sort of disconnect. You are perfect or you are a failure? That doesn't even remotely correspond. I don't even believe in binary opposition in other aspects of life or theoretical philosophy. Everything works on a spectrum. Or more likely, a Euclidean space with an x-y-z axis. Finely plotted out.

Nothing can be so starkly contrasted as to say: here or there, up or down. What about the betwixt and between?

But yet, here I am with some sort of missing link in my mind, knowing that when it comes to myself I am the expert on catastrophizing and control.

Someone recently posted this video on my facebook, and though it wasn't his intention, it made me wonder how this related to me and this community.

Are we like these "deranged" penguins? Disobeying our instinctual survival mechanisms to rebel against food, nourishment and natural order? Even though we are inundated with knowledge that this "choice" "lifestyle" "disease" is devastating our bodies, why do we continue on this path? We share a disconnect. Something missing. Disoriented.

Taffy and Cuties

OK. Anise has successfully dragged me out of my hidey hole. That and I'm incredibly frustrated with this book chapter I'm trying to read that is mostly describing some inane dull plastics invention that is supposed to teach me about materials and technology for lecture on Monday.

I couldn't care less.

But dear readers, I hope you believe me when I say that I've been writing little blogs in my head almost every day, I just haven't signed on to compose them because when I get near my computer they just seem so much less poetic than they did when I was walking along the streets looking at my reflection in shop windows. Shallow in many aspects, I know.

Anise is warning me about taffy. It is, my dear readers, a very slippery slope. In fact, I'm a bit worried because my teeth are getting a bit sensitive. But I'm more worried because they're starting to shift and I really don't want Ugly Betty adult braces.

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Anyway, I've run out of money and my student loans don't come in for a few weeks. So I've decided to eat clementine cuties, watered down juice concentrate, and the occasional chewy candy (hence the taffy for breakfast!).

I technically have some soup and things, but when I eat things that are flavorful it gets my appetite worked up and I really only have about 80 American dollars to my so I'm just going to stick to citrus.

Sending you all little fairy kisses. Think about something other than food.

Today, I'm going to do the reading for Monday. Usually I make grand plans to get all these things done, and then I crash and burn and nothing gets done. So, today, I *just* want to get my readings done. What small but achievable task will you be doing?

EDIT: Jess just informed me she changed her blog address so if you're following her, make sure she's still on you're blog roll http://thehealthywaytoday.blogspot.com/ If you aren't following her, be sure you check out her blog, it's fantastic and wise, and she's been all over the world doing real cleanses!

Baby Steps

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You have to walk before you can run.

THANK YOU!

Sometimes, just when I think the whole world is rotten and rubbish (!) people show me true kindness and friendship.

You all came through, and I am SO grateful. Originally, I meant to spend my Winter break looking through everyone's old old blog entries picking out the perfect little quotes and examples to sprinkle throughout my paper.... but of course life, laziness, and my own tendency to shoot myself in the foot took the forefront and that didn't happen.

So I tried to use my own posts as examples, since I have a good memory for what I write, but that seemed SUPER lame. Thanks for being super awesome readers and people!

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Just to satiate anyone's curiosity, the paper I wrote was about juxtaposing current scholar's theories about shopping (that people are devoted to shop in love for their family) to my idea of how eating disordered individuals shop for themselves (devoted-yes, love-no). I think that 3,000 words really wasn't enough to fully express myself, especially since I wanted to use your own words and passages from "Wasted" but hopefully it turned out ok.

I think the strong part of the paper talks about "Ana" as a deity, with EDs making sacrificial rites and ritualistic gestures in their shopping and consumption to appease this personification of their disordered self.

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In terms of my shopping..... I have probably three strong tendencies. My first is to do what most of you mentioned and make a list, trying to stick to that. Usually that ends the best in terms of what I actually go home and eat until my next shopping trip. My second tendency is to say "fuck it" and just put things in my basket, and then get home and mindlessly eat until I snap out of it. Then I realize I have nothing really that I actually want, just a bunch of shit I wanted for 5 minutes of my life.

My third tendency is one that occurred last night. Kind of a hybridization. I don't go in with a list, but I know I have the best intentions in mind. I buy mostly fruit, boring carb stuff to keep me full but I won't binge on (oatmeal/porridge is my go to.... I cannot possibly over eat porridge), and something savory to counter the fruit (in this case, soup).

In this particular shopping trip, I also tried to buy things I could keep in my room instead of putting in the kitchen because I hate hate hate going to the kitchen. I just feel like the weird smells stick to me. Ugh.

This morning started out good. Pear. Porridge. A teeny bit of juice and then I switched to tea, black. Then I started getting munchy. What did I decide to eat during my sheer boredom? The greek olives I bought thinking, "Oh these are basically zero cal when you eat like one or two!"

Nope, ate almost the whole little jar. And then I found some hidden crackers to go with. I would also eat an apple and a nectarine.

Grr. Well, I'm tossing the remaining olives and crackers. I feel sick. At least all that didn't amount to thaaaat much in comparison to what I could have eaten if I shopped worse.

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Sorry for the uninspired entry but I feel lethargic from lack of sleep and then too much sleep! Plus too much food!

I'll write a better deserved post later ;)

I need your assistance!

Hurry!

I need as many responses as possible about your experiences in the grocery store and how it makes you feel (if this wasn't for a paper, I swear I wouldn't give you such a lame set-up question):

Everyone's already anonymous screen name will be changed along with identifying features.

I WILL REWARD YOU WITH SOMETHING AS OF NOW UNDECIDED.

This is due in 24 hours sooooooooo please?

A word of advice...

... Your dress size should always be smaller than your shoe size. Ideally half or less.

That is all.

7 drinks later

On the plane I wrote a post that I don't even remember writing.

Deciding to get drunk on a long haul flight isn't a good idea. Really shit actually. Basically ruined the idea of business class forever and I left the lavatory in a disgusting state.

After I sobered up however, I did realize something else besides my tendency towards alcoholism was up. I've got some kind of bad cold or food poisoning or dehydration or something. But sleeping 16 hours has been a definite help hah.

I'm only going to post a few things from this strange post because most of it is just too weird:

"I’m watching “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” on the airplane DVD. I don’t really know the world my British readers live in (despite the fact I’ve been inundated with it for the past three months) but Harry Potter always reminds me of a world within I don’t belong. Loo? Lavatory? It’s still very foreign to me. If I have to, I’ll call it a “toilet.”

(cut out a bunch of strange rubbish)

"This leads me to my main point, readers. We see ourselves with less merit than the rest of the world. Having an opinion that doesn’t matter in comparison. I say, fight that inner turmoil. Tell the universe that YOU matter. I’m sure there would be a decreased number of suicides and self-harm if people just told you: YOU COUNT, YOU MATTER.

"I’ve met TWO girls in my graduate course of thirty who have admitted to an eating disorder without prompting. I’m grinding my teeth now (think of this as a post-modern, stream-of-consciousness post please). This makes me think…………. Are our problems really unique? Or are they a manifestation of a larger segment of people who suffer but haven’t found the internet to vent?"

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And that's where I stopped. By the way, DUH on the last part. I don't know why I thought that was profound!

I feel gross still and I've nothing in the house except loads and loads of herbal tea. Suppose I'll just go switch on the kettle (hooray for breaking down and buying an electric kettle!) and nurse some hot tea for a bit. If I get incredibly desperate I think I have a few jars of baby food somewhere that I haven't eaten because they don't taste like lovely applesauce as they do in the states. It tastes a bit like mushy porridge and fruit.

Do something not stupid today readers! Follow not my example but my penitent words :)

Waiter, another drink please?

I'm going to tell you all the same thing I told a friend I hadn't spoken to in quite some time:

Apologies sound like a broken record.

I'm drinking a very strange version of "Sex on the Beach," not that it's a cocktail I ever order anyway so I suppose this midori and lime substitute suits me just fine.

Officially, my journey back to Londonland has begun and I'm hoping to get drunk between LA and London to pass the time and make the most of it. Obviously, my gluttonous ways haven't quite left me yet, but I have high hopes (broken record #2).

My current fashion look consists of riding boots, leggings, and size 2X sweaters (soon to be jumpers). Add to the fact that I'm 10 pounds more than I'd like to be ideally, and 20 pounds more than I'd like to be in my dreams... aaaaaaaaaand this sentence is going no where. Much like my glorious food plans (broken record #3).

Dyed my hair again (BR #4). Red now for those of you who are one the edge of your seats to know. This decision occurred about an hour before I needed to leave for the airport.

See? This is a rubbish post. No words of wisdom, no stories to horrify you, and nothing really exciting to say.

There's a 12 year old walking around in a giant 10-galloon hat. I hope he passes my way so I can accidentally trip him and knock some Republican out before it's completely too late. Nothing wrong with being a Republican except the party has taken a scary turn in the past year that frankly makes me wish I could annex off San Francisco and start my own country.

Savoryberg. Home of the crazy.

What was I talking about? Oh right, Cocktails.

Ew. I just got down to the last 3rd of this thing and I swear even though I stirred the damn glass, it's all vodka and lime from here on out.

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So NYResolutions. From here on out, I told you all I would become a Vegan. Do I still want to do this? Hmm... I suppose I really want to do whatever costs me the least amount of calories and money, also requiring little to no trips to the fridge/kitchen. Can it be done?

I figure I've got my amazing electric kettle to join me on journeys towards herbal tea and tranquility. So juice can be safely erased from my grocery list.

JESUS CHRIST stop filing your nails right next to me?!!!!!! Ugh. Most upsetting noise I can think of. That and the enviously thin 8 year old boy shouting "Mam. Mam. MAM. MAAM!" Stop it. Now.

Uh, it's probably safe to say I can go without the carby fatty shit I've been surviving on for the past few months. Goodbye sandwiches, pizza, and bready cheesy bread bread.

Hmm. What's that leave? Fruits, veggies and the occasional sushi roll? haha.

I just chugged down the rest of the drink and I'm making a very upset face. Wish you could see it.

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Normally, I would never post this kind of rambling garbage, but you all haven't heard from me in so long that I question whether some of you think I might be locked up in a basement somewhere. Or a rotting corpse waiting to be discovered or eaten by stray dogs.

When did this turn so morbid? In short, I'm alive and definitely not drunk enough. A skinny pretty bitch in heels (WHO CAN WEAR HEELS TO THE AIRPORT!?) just walked by and I'm definitely jealous (BR #5).

This must be remedied. More alchohol and less food please.