... sitting across the aisle from me every Friday in lecture.
I don't know if you are intentionally choosing to sit there--juxtaposing yourself to me, if we are magnetically attracted to one another, or if we keep magically finding ourselves sitting adjacent to each other each week.
But it fucking pisses me off. Stop doing it.
I know you are thinner than me. And if I'm looking at you, I know you are looking at me. You can't be thinner than me and doing it by some force of nature. You are starving yourself. By putting yourself in my line of sight, and especially draping yourself week after week in stripes and baggy clothes, you thrust your thinness in my face. Reminding me that I've failed a little bit.
You have the perfect jawbone and I know I stare at you sometimes. It makes me wonder looking over at you, intently jotting down notes... did I ever look like that? I pinch my index finger and my thumb around my upper arm to mentally gauge the size difference.
Was someone ever looking at me like that, when I was at my smallest? Sitting, staring, spitefully wishing to trade places?
And yet, I know I look a bit better now that I've put on some weight. Does my Striped Friend with whom I have a Silent Shared Secret like the way she looks? This achievement in svelte.
Or do we sit adjacent because she longs something from me too...
Monday, November 30, 2009
To The Girl In the Stripes
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6 comments:
Maybe she sits close to you in hopes that your close proximity will one day lead to a conversation, then a friendship... maybe she senses that you may share the one thing she so desperately seeks to share with someone?
thank you for reminding me of the sparkly dress!
i hate how badly i stare at girls who are thinner, even when they are unhealthily so, its almost mesmorising.
I imagine she's sitting there wishing she was skinny as you and untortured. Because dont we assume that everyone has an easier job than we do? that every other thin girl is just naturally like that, that she doesnt try?
i think its massive that you recognise that being as thin as her wont make you more attractive. MASSIVE. pity her instead. she may give you the impression that shes proud but shes probably every bit as tormented inside, and unable to enjoy your envy.
xx
This speaks a lot to me. There was a girl in my house and we had this sort of relationship....
Sometimes I get irritated at my jealousy of these people that are thinner (healthy or not) and then I wonder if I'm projecting...and then I feel guilty and try to imagine which of the blog community she is most like, as I am convinced that almost every woman has an eating disorder.
I am such a stare-bear. It sometimes freaks people out, and I don't even realise I'm doing it.
You should accidentally drop your pen near her or something. Create some sort of tryst or entanglement... see where it leads!
I like Pasco's advice - just see what she wants, but it is probably friendship...
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