Sunday, March 28, 2010

Oh bother.

Time flies when you're avoiding Mondays.

Not that I have anything particularly important to do other than make 2 public appearances, but I know it's the week and I shouldn't be hanging around my apartment in my PJs ignoring calls to go out. I just can't be bothered to get myself out.

I've been thinking a lot about infatuation vs. true love. Can't say much more than that because I know TR occasionally reads this and as much a he pretends to be non-judgmental and sagely, he's anything but. Sigh, I wish there was true anonymity on this thing but I don't want to start all over and hope everyone finds me again. Can't be bothered to do that.

Today I ate nothing. Well at about 4:00am I had 2 pears, but the rest of the day I really just went without food (and drink) out of pure laziness. This I am ok with. Say it with me again, "just can't be bothered..."

Maybe I'm in a rut. I just don't particularly feel strongly about anything right now. The dissertation is at a dead end, I don't think the way I want to do things is the way my supervisors want me to. This makes me wonder if I'm truly heading in the right direction for my future career. I love writing, I just don't like other people telling me how to write, what to write, and being cynical at me for wanting to do something purely because I find it "interesting." I don't want to "make something interesting" merely because it has analytical value and I can attach it to stupid philosophers and researchers more successfully.

I want to write about things that I am so passionate about that I do research without it even feeling like work. Get up in the middle of the night to write something on a scrap paper because I've just had an idea.

But perhaps that doesn't really exist. We all have to do things we don't want to do or don't particularly like.

Is it selfish of me to expect more of myself? To expect that due to my self-critical eye and drive to always be better than yesterday, that perhaps I deserve to do something I actually want to do? That I've achieved this little reward?

And if we all just do settle for the good and the bad, then why do we try so hard anyway? To achieve something that apparently doesn't exist. We could all just be fat and be a cog in the assembly line of production. We could be indifferent.

But we reach for the stars. We know we are better and perhaps even gifted at something. And we know that our way of cognition is one that society claims as an ideal, but shuns as reality. We are exemplary and because of that we cannot assimilate.

Right now though, I can't really be bothered to make society bend to my will or become more acceptable to society. Today, I will remain different.


EedeeKnows said...

I love how eloquent you are, even if you're not trying to be. You make me think :)

You really should drink something though. No food is one thing, but your body truely needs water to function. Be careful :/

Char Vicki said...

Inspiring post :)

And agreed.

Flushed said...

I struggle with this too. Only I have mostly given up.


If we just keep swimming maybe we will get there.

Sarah. said...

Being different is to be interesting - being comfortable with that difference is where you find perfections.
I always enjoy your posts so much, very thought provoking.

Anise said...

your comment was possibly the best i've ever received, and maybe because it came at just the right time that i needed it. THANK YOU. i feel like right now i am going through a time that many people just cannot comprehend but i've read your back posts and i know you know and i know you've been there or are there and it's just nice to know that someone gets it.

and i absolutely CANNOT wait for you to come back this summer so we can fly through this glorious sunlight.

xx x

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