Thursday, February 18, 2010

I swear I'm going to go shower right... now

I feel fat today. Fat and useless.

Been watching "Desperate Housewives" like it's nobody's business (anyone who is friends with me on Facebook will notice I was rockin' the "Bree" 'do at a recent party like it was 1956)... and I really don't feel encouraged to do anything else until my bandwidth on Megavideo needs an hour to cool down.

I need to get my act together today because I've got a meeting with an especially intimidating professor. He just loves big big words. Ridiculous lexicon. So that by itself makes my palms sweaty when I go in to see him. Plus, his hipster black plastic frames are so intrusive he just looks like a portly pair of glasses with a mustache and leather jacket. It's slightly too tight, which is endearing.

Whenever I see this guy, I just want to break down and tell him all my troubles. But I know that no academic, especially a middle-aged man, wants some girl weeping in the office. That's what school counselors are for yo! So I'll psych myself up to be like, "OK today I'm going to really open up and talk about the problems I've been having..." and as soon as I walk in I start blubbering incoherently and look plain stupid and unprepared.

And my television affinity doesn't help me much on the looking prepared part.

I wanna step on the scale. It won't be a pretty number but deep inside I feel like if I can just see something little, it will be a relief. One thing I'm doing right in my world. At the same time, I know--being the glutton for pain and tragedy--if I do get on the scale, it's going to be something I don't like, and I'll sabotage any hope of a good day.

Being functional sucks. There's no real good excuse for me to go batshit crazy, but I know (and if I let the cracks show through other people see it too) that I'm just not pulled together. I'm a lot of loose threads. Damaged goods. Then, when I finally motivate myself to get out of my crumb-filled, smelly, warm bed and take a shower that I really have no reason to logically feel this way. I can get out of bed. I can shower. I can smile. I can function.

I suppose it's why I do the things I do. Binging, drinking, cutting, shopping, watching copious amounts of internet television. These are the only times I feel free from the prison of my mind. It's nice to focus on something besides myself. The taste of food, the feeling of being tipsy, the excitement of a new purchase, the satisfaction of seeing blood.

The fantasy of voyeristically watching someone else's life for thirty minutes. Or an hour.

I wonder if the great people of the world are plagued with similar problems. Being too thoughtful. Stuck in one's head. Tormented artists had to get that way somehow, right? So absorbed in the hyperreality of one's own imagination that the world seems distant and blurry.

Is this why we push ourselves so hard? Do we have a similar mindset? Something brilliant lies dormant within, but we just don't know how to channel it? Or is it all just another manic thought too keep ourselves going every day? That we tell ourselves we are better. Martyrs. Being an average person who can't seem to handle the world, let alone a single day, seems so pathetic.

Today, however, I feel fat and useless.


battleinmind said...

Desperate Housewives is genius, I ALWAYS get compared to Bree, love her.

I understand what you mean about being stuck in your head, I get that a lot, I've been ill for a few days, and haven't be able to anything but think. Urgh

Lots of love xxxx

Anise said...

see? you have BRILLIANT things to say. i have been thinking a lot about these exact things lately (stop reading my mind yo!), specifically that i seem to be fully functional but really just want to go batshit crazy but can't for fear of people seeing the fact that i feel, well, batshit crazy. and being insanely tormented by living too deeply in my own head to the point that the real world is hazy and indistinct. and whether or not this makes me a genius or just a batshit crazy pathetic fuckup.

mental disorders are too embarrassing. i feel SO 9th grade.

luckily you are NOT fat (as i saw you in Dec, anyway) or useless (at least at writing thoughtful posts). maybe we are both geniuses under all this madness.

xx x

Kelly said...

you are brilliant!

& I wish I was a tormented artist, but I have no muse, no artistic edge or real talent to share - I'm just here mumbling to myself about how uncomfortable it feels to be me...

Char Vicki said...

Yes, I understand. This post made complete sense in my head.

Pip said...

I too understand. Your a genius.

K said...

i think you are fabulous!
and i doubt useless

tracy said...

This post was beyond amazing. It truly captured my life, both in thought and many actions-or should i say, non-action. i feel like you really know me and we have never even met. Thank you for giving words to my life.

PS YOU are not useless!!!!!

Anonymous said...

It is useful to try everything in practise anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)

Ana's Girl said...

Useless? I think not. Just look at what you wrote! It's amazing, and my very first thought was "She should definitely write a book." My second thought: "I know just how she feels; i'm the same way." Third thought: "How the hell did she get inside my head?" Lol.

Holly said...

I'm obsessed with games because there's adventure and love in them. real life has none of that.

Anonymous said...

i like sitting around all day and not showering. but its not the best is it?

post more. or send me emails. i can finally use blogger normally and i miss you. xx

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