I'm such a bitch.
When I was really scary thin, TR used to talk to me about it and I would quip back that I thought he was fat. He's never been fat. Sometimes he and I have been on the higher range of healthy, with lots of squish but never fat.
But for some reason, stupid shallow me sometimes makes remarks about TR losing weight or working out. I know it's judgmental and mean. But in my mind, I judge everyone else pretty harshly and then I judge myself ten times as tough.
I guess that's how I got to a completely dangerous BMI... Obviously I need to rethink what kind of lens through which I want to view the world.
It would just be nice to let go of that ideal that if you try hard enough you can make everything perfect. If I work at it, I can be rich and beautiful and successful and famous. Is it weird that I didn't say "Happy" ? That didn't even cross my mind as I was thinking about my perfection list.
The other day I was super bored and taking personality quizzes. One question was about some kind of genie in a bottle and what would I wish for:
1. $100,000,000 dollars
2. Fix the Environment
3. World Peace
4. To Be Completely Healthy For the Rest of My Life
As much as I know I would be a different person, I thought about how brilliant my life would be if I was just healthy. Physically and mentally. No worries about "pre-existing conditions" or what time to take my medication.... or the fact that if I miss my meds for one weekend so I can sleep in, I completely freak out on Monday. It would be nice to wake up and worry about something else. But not worry more than the average person does.
I wonder if being healthy equates to being average? Things aren't terrible or particularly wonderful. They just are, and that's ok. Doesn't that just make me sound so egotistical? I'm so above the world because my emotions swing like a pendulum and I'm as unpredictable as the weather. Routines are beneath me. I am closer to perfection because I am flawed.
Neither seems right. But what is right? And why do we care so much?
Why can't we just settle for things being just the way they are? Nothing more, nothing less.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I'm such a bitch.