Monday, February 1, 2010

Gray

The world is not black and white.

I am a vampire bat. Sleeping during the day and awakening for moonlight adventures.

No but seriously, I think I've just been watching "Intervention" (via youtube) videos for at least twelve hours. I'm sure more. That stuff is insidious.

Last week I listened to a curious voicemail informing me I had finally reached the top of the list for an eating disorder clinic my GP referred me to ages ago. Meanwhile, I spend the rest of the week making excuses for not returning the call and pinching my wobbly bits in scorn. I decided after watching a particularly queer "Intervention"--where the supposed addict looked healthier than her clearly anorexic friend who was begging her to seek treatment--that despite feeling too fat to have an eating disorder, I should probably go ahead and give them a ring.

I have until March 23 to get my ducks in a row or completely get back down to my emaciated self. Haven't decided which side of the coin toss it'll be yet. But resting my arm on my little Buddha belly makes me worry it will be the later.

---
"In movies. Crazy, quirky, art student types are portrayed as these free spirits that teach 'nebbishy dorky Jon Stewart'ish'-type guys how to live and love. Yet in reality are complete psychological train wrecks. I can personally attest to that. As I have fallen into that trap, being a nebbishy dorky type myself. The sex really doesn't even come close to making up for the perpetual batshit insanity either."
-Some random guy on a forum

But it is true, yes? How many times do I need to see my life projected on screen to realize this. Someone was recently talking to me about how their current brush with emotional instability was not anywhere near as exciting as the movies.

Well, yes, I'm well aware. I do live that every day. But....... I'm not. I live inside my own head. No matter how many times TR and I fight, I always think that this one time he will do the "I love you because you're so crazy you make me crazy and I can't live with you or without you" kind of speech we all gush over in "10 Things I Hate About You" or "When Harry Met Sally."

What actually happens, every God darned time, is I instigate a chase and he doesn't take the bait. Then I'm sitting at a train station crying 3 hours later because he never actually came back to get me. THEN I'm calling him immediately upon this realization and yelling, then crying, then breaking up, then apologising and saying how much I miss him.

I guess that just wouldn't make for good cinematic narrative.

But I live in my head and this will never occur to me. The other day, I was telling a friend how I'm never underwhelmed by my surroundings because my imagination and head games always manage to keep me entertained and curious no matter how lackluster the landscape.

And for both the above reasons, random guy on the forum would not be able to deal with my kind. Even though I am actually quite a catch in the sack. Believe you me.

---

But getting back to my original point. I've been thinking recently and mulling over the idea of my current state of existence. It really is cliche how dramatic and pre-teen my life has become. Seriously? An eating disorder? Cutting? How 7th grade of me. Very original. Especially when Marya Hornbacher, after slaying her anorexia demon, gushes about how trite it all is. That we all fit in a neat little box. A broken taped up little box.

And yet... when I quit the Wellbutrin what do I end up doing? Currently, I'm skipping class. The side of my tongue is burned from all the sour candy I've been eating, which has also made my teeth painfully sensitive. I keep shoving something down my throat every few hours though. All the while thinking how misunderstood and alone I am.

Seriously? Record the thoughts in my head and play them aloud. You'll hear the same bullshit we all say. Textbook. Little box. "I control food because the world is so chaotic..... I cut so I feel alive..... I binge so I feel something other than empty.... Guilty..... I'm fat and ugly..... I hate myself..... I'm afraid you'll abandon me...... Sometimes I think I won't ever be able to cry again...... Sometimes I think I can't stop crying...... I have to be perfect...... blah blah blah."

I'm just so done with myself. Done sharing a brain and body with something so fractured, and so unoriginal. Like toast always falling butter side down. Predictable.

Being an addict is completely the most conformist thing about me. As much as I'd like to think of myself as that different sparkly girl who is eccentric and free and misunderstood like in the films, I know that deep down, I am a faceless drone. A drone operating a program with other drones in a compartmentalized world.

Where will I end up at the end of March? It's a vicious cycle of choice and predestiny feeding one another.

---

The world is not black and white... but in the spectrum of gray. And in the spectrum, if you look closely you can reduce it all down to pixels. A neat little box.

13 comments:

Lulu said...

urgh i feel you. i am so bored of the pathetic nature of my own day to day 'issues'.

i cant even bear to tell them to my bestest friends because i know the disdain that would appear on their faces...

in other news, DONT YOU DARE feel that you cant go to an eating disorder clinic if you arent deaths-door thin.
1) anyone who actually is will not be getting themselves help and so your crazy belief they will laugh at you for being fat is unfounded
2) remember how scary it was meeting for the first time and being scared (well at least i was) that you would snort in derision because i wasnt thin enough to warrant so much internet space
3) how cliché and little taped up box would that be?

be the girl that wants to not be a stupid dick on at least some level. that is what makes it not pathetic. the recognition (which SOME people lack, and you know who i mean) that it is not glamourous or sustainable or aspirational.

WHOOPS i totally just typed your real name. lucky i noticed! grr.

you're awesome, i hope i can see you before i leave, let me know when youre free, im feeling frantic. really really batshit frantic and yet my answer to this seems to be arranging dates. i have no less than 3 men lined up for this week and i havent even got around to a doctor's appt yet! xx

Africana said...

Brilliant post.

This shit is exhausting. Christ I'm in my frakkin' 30s and I can not tell you how pathetic I feel half the time for still engaging in these emotions but fuck if I am ready to let them go.

Go to the clinic if you can no matter what your size.

I damn well would if I could.

Ana's Girl said...

Hmmm. Intervention on youtube. I hadn't thought of that time-killer. Perhaps you just gave me another addiction? Lol.
We all live by the textbook, love. Every single one of us feels exactly what you feel. You're not alone. Remember that, and take comfort from it. Hang in there.

Obsessed said...

Get out of my head...it's freaking me the fuck out!

R Harlow B said...

make the call... worry about the rest after.

good luck
insightful post

~harlow

battleinmind said...

Give them a call, sounds like you're figuring some stuff out! xx

tracy said...

Right there in the freakin' box. Now prepare for the real shocker...i'm 48!!!!!!!
Borderline, oh, yeah. Among other things...ednos, ...

Yes, do give them a call....don't end up an old lady like me!

Cally C. said...

I have 12 Intervention episodes on my DVR right now... So addictive.

Violet said...

These oppourtunities are so rare, esp. in the UK. We just don't have the facilities. London is one of the only places that has any sort of system set up. You won't lose anything by trying, and you could quit anytime.

Just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. This post is so amazing, it's exaclty how I feel. I'm perpetuualy surprised/ashamed of this situation I'm in because it's just so goddamn cliched. I always thought I'd do something original or worthwhile with my life but I ended up here. It's hard to know what to make of it.

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Anise said...

i have been feeling SO 7th grade lately and it's starting to wear on my nerves, especially as i am coming up on a rather largeish birthday that i'd rather not see from the inside of a toilet or the underside of a giant duvet. i keep thinking about all the things i thought i'd be doing by 25, all the novels written and the awesome careers and brilliant relationships, and i've got none of it, just a cabinet full of cookies and Pedialyte and an empty fridge. nothing to show for myself but this terribly passé cliché. it's downright embarrassing. yet somehow no less difficult to endure.

so yeah. i get you. i wish i knew what to say here but Lulu (as always!) seems to have given some stellar advice.

if i were you i'd be poking at my thighs too thinking i was too fat to go into a program. i keep thinking, well, it's not about weight, not about an Eating Disorder, it's about disordered eating. i'm not sure that makes it any easier but it looks better on paper, right?

is the ED program in the States? if it's nearby home i'll come visit you xx x

Anonymous said...

It's interesting to see just how pervasive virtual memory has become in our every day lives. It's like everytime I turn my head, I see something with a card slot or USB port, haha. I guess it makes sense though, considering how inexpensive memory has become as of late...

Ahhh, who am I to complain. I can't get by a single day without my R4 / R4i!

(Posted on NetBrowze for R4i Nintendo DS.)

 
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