Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Reflection Symmetry

I only ever seem to think about my money problems realistically right before I'm about to run out of toilet paper.

"Damn," I mutter to myself, "It's time to buy more. There really are so many things I need to reserve my money for and don't. Don't."

Then, noting the irony of my ways, I step over a pizza box--haphazardly thrown on the floor--and think about where exactly I spend my money.

Oh. Food. Lots and lots of food. Followed by periods of no food but equally ridiculous purchases (clove ciggys, more clothes, online gaming, "Christmas presents" which are a thinly veiled excuse for me to buy things and try to remember they aren't for me). The online gaming has to be the saddest because it's basically throwing money into a vortex, knowing it will go somewhere, but not really benefiting yourself or showing the fruits of its labor.


I have 2 options for tonight. Things can either shape up, involving me doing a rigorous bout of cleaning and making up for any lapses in personal care.... or I can take some sleeping pills and know that tomorrow is another day.

I've only got *shakes can* 2/3 left of my Orange Tango, so if I stay awake too much longer (note it's only 8:30pm and I woke up around 3:00pm today) I'll have to ignore my thirst or bundle up to get soda again.

The sleeping pills are looking inviting. Plus, when I'm asleep, I can't possibly be eating or buying shit. I'm running out of TV programs to stream, and I can't do homework unless I take care of the physical mess. Everything in order, you know.

Trying to do some math in my head to see how long I can sleep before I have responsibilities tomorrow. Ugh, Thursday is always a long day... maybe I should just stay awake now so I don't sleep and get to the grind of tomorrow any sooner.


Sometimes, my favorite things to do are those I am fully aware I shouldn't be for ethical/medical/moral/safety reasons. I like to breath deeply and rub my eyes until it's like looking into a kaleidoscope. Your brain can't differentiate between light and pressure, so it thinks it's looking at something (and tries to interpret it with colors etc) when actually, you're just ramming your fingers against your eye making a "I'm so sleepy" motion.

Meditation never works for me, but there's something soothing about closing your eyes and seeing things among the murky blackness.

It's times like this when I distract myself away from the mundane things in life, like when I'll make time to buy more sodding toilet paper.


Pasco said...

Ahhh delicious sleep. Solves everything. I have a horrible problem with shopaholism too. I realise what my life has boiled down too - the superficial and desperate need for quick fixes. I am the quintessential consumer, with no real ability to feel joy anymore and with the constant need to blot it out by the millions of brief flicks of satisfaction caused by purchasing something or shoving something in my gob. And the only thing that ends it is sleep.

By the way, I love it when I get an anonymous comment and think "fuck, I hate when this happens, I don't know who this is". Then I read along and think "hmmm... this kinda sounds like Savory"

and then...



Ana's Girl said...

Ah... I'm so unrealistic about how i spend my money too...
Lol. I love seeing those pretty colors when i close my eyes too. It's probably bad, but.. if it's bad, why would it be so pretty? Oh well.

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