Tuesday, December 15, 2009

English Breakfast

My sleep schedule is horrible. Woke up yesterday at 3:00pm after going to sleep at 6:00am.... It's 8:43 now and I still haven't slept.

I even ate breakfast (I never eat breakfast) to try and make myself full and tired. Now I'm full and confused about why I just ate beans and tomatoes. English breakfast is weird.

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Hope you'll all take a look at a blog that's just popped up, and I'm lucky to be the first follower. Lillie Flower is lovely; her writing is soft and delicate like her name.

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So I haven't stuck to my eating plan and it's mostly been intentional. I realized that I have company coming on Wednesday, and we're taking a trip up North for a few days. So I'll be spending 24/7 with them and my friend already hates how thin I've gotten. Then I go home, and honestly, I really want to eat my mom's food :(

But there's two sides to this coin. I had the brilliant idea of going Vegan again after I come back from the States in January as a "New Year's Resolution." I already don't really eat eggs or yogurt anymore so the only thing I really have to cut out is cheese.

The other side is I am physically not doing too well with this re-feeding. I'm above a underweight BMI in the first time in ages, so I should have more energy and blah blah. Instead, I'm breaking out. Like worst worst worst breakout ever. My hair is meh, and I'm always puffy. Like retaining fluids.

WTF? Being healthy sucks.

I do think it's important that I stay like this even though my trousers are moaning when I pull them on. At least through the holidays so people stop worrying and get off my case.

The other day TR said something to the extent of "because of the eating disorder you refuse to acknowledge, you've rendered your body fucked up for life."

They say you know you have a problem when you can't admit it.

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I keep thinking about a quote from Wasted (cliche I know) as I hop between trying to eat normally and then freaking out and starving again:

"When you eventually begin to get well, health will feel wrong, it will make you dizzy, it will confuse you, you will get sick again because sick is what you know."

I think I'm stuck between two worlds. There's this inability for me to be around food without over-thinking, and yet I can't properly starve. I'm not well. I'm not yet sick again.

Limbo.

8 comments:

what if summer... said...

I don't think your body is wigging out on you because you're getting healthy. Healthy is not being bloated and breaking out, but your body going into shock because it's been neglected for so long certainly is.
Not that you didn't already know that.

Oh, and speaking of cliche, I'm reciting a passage from Wasted for my Effective Speaking final. I did a dry run of it in front of the class last week and it was like I was the only person to ever mention anorexia to them in 5 years. I forget not everyone has been thrust into the middle of the Ana Blog underground like I have.

I certainly thought of you when I read it.

-Summer

Ophelia said...

It's hard but I think you're absolutely right about trying to keep your body at the current weight so that people don't start stressing about it.
I think you should just enjoying seeing your friends and your mum and her cooking. You need a break, you certainly deserve it! Just keep grounded and don't go extreme. Deal with it again when you're back in January.

Going back a bit (because I know I have been awol for a few weeks) shopping is a MASSIVE problem for me. At uni I used to buy dresses for over £100 and never wear them - or wear them only once. I couldn't control my spending, always had to get new dresses, new shoes, new everything... money was no object...
Actually the worst thing for me is cosmetics - I will spend any amount on face wash, makeup, hair products - anything to look beautiful and perfect - I guess thats the same with clothes as well - I'll spend any amount so that the outfit makes me look as amazing as possible. I never wore jeans or trousers anywhere.
When it comes to food shopping I used to always wander around the supermarket looking at the backs of the labels to count calories, taking things, putting them back, often spending stupid money on ridiculous products like gluten-free bread or pots of branded seeds, mushy fruit bars - whatever diet fad I had decided for myself. And then of course there were the binge shops... where I would spend £10 on icecream, bread, chocolate - stuff my face with it and then throw it up - what a loser I am.

Going even further back to a post where you were talking about your flatmates. It reminded me so much of my flat last year. I hated it so much. They were always commenting that they never saw - I was never in the kitchen - the habitual communal centre - I only ate when the kitchen was empty, after everyone had gone to bed... I'd creep in...
But at least it was easy to keep myself away from food then... at home I'm just surrounded by it constantly.

Anyway, I hope things are going well, sorry again for lack of commenting recently!
all my love xxx

Ana's Girl said...

Maybe your body just doesn't know how to handle the "healthiness" since it's been "sick" for so long? Just a thought.
I know the feeling of limbo, and it sucks. i always do just what marya says and get sick again because it's what i know.
Feel better, sweetie.

Liz Anatasia said...

I hated refeeding. I cried a lot...a lot. We went on a family trip to Europe and I cried all the time...every skinny girl made me cry.
I was a lean, mean crying machine and my body felt terrible and bloated. And then I lost weight because my metabolism sped up. So I don't even know what my body needs anymore.
Now anytime I have an ailment, my anorexia is blamed. Even though my BMI is 19, they still blame the anorexia. And now that I'm back on the road to hell, I dread those days.
Darling, I'm sorry, those were dark times in my life, refeeding. I agree with you on acting normal around your family. I really should not lose too much more before I go to my boyfriend's family and my own. But when I go abroad....it will be my own life to live.
xoxo
Liz

Anise said...

ahhh mon amie, that is EXACTLY where i am...stuck between two worlds, not able to not care about food and weight, but knowing that health is better, is smarter. suck suck suck. not skinny enough / too skinny? i feel like i'm living in that shimmery world of a heat haze rising off the desert or a car or whatever, you know? skewed and strange. my life is full of burritos and panic about burritos. i am also at the point where i'm aware i shouldn't lose any weight until after the holidays or my parents are going to be very concerned. yuck. i can't wait that long.

xx x

Pasco said...

I've been eating and behaving like a monstrous cow for months now, and while I'm incredibly frustrated by it and angry at myself and terrified of gaining yet more weight, my mood is the best it has been in years. I know starvation makes you depressed, but still amazed at the tangible magnitude of the effect. As I lose control of my eating I find my body swelling and my thighs dimpling and my chins multiplying... I feel completely revolting and yet... better.

I still want to starve myself back down though. Pretty weird.

Lillie Flower said...

Thankyou for the lovely things you said about my blog :)

Char Vicki said...

Wow, I completely get this.

 
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