Withdrawing

Above all, I hate failure. But I'm going to withdraw from the Summer Challenge because I feel like it's a failure to withdraw but I'm failing if I stay in it.

I've gotten to the point where I'm completely freaked out about my weight and I can't share the number with you all right now. I can't even trust the number. Last Monday it was 127. I got down to 119 before the fast (didn't weigh myself during fasting), and then I had to break the fast because I was babysitting.

I'm too ashamed to tell you what I weigh. I think even if I weighed 22 pounds, I would be embarrassed. I'm just weird about numbers right now. So I need to get my head straight, figure out something that works for me, and stick to the straight and narrow path. NARROW.

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I'm still tired of everyone telling me I'm too skinny, but the other night I found a photograph of myself at a "normal" weight. I know we are always talking about people being jealous, but I guess people are just so used to muffin tops being normal, that we get alarmed (as a society) by anything else. But I have some serious muffin toppage in this photograph. So it makes me feel better to see this photo because every once in awhile I think to myself, "Am I too thin? Did I look better?" UM NO. This picture is proof.

I think I'll have to show it to you all. I'll find a picture of myself at my current weight (they are few and far between, other than the grad photos where I'm wearing a tent, because I avoid photographs) so you can see what I'm talking about. Fair warning, I'll probably cut off my head, because I don't want anyone to be like "Wow, I pictured Savory as being *pretty* like all the other bloggers" so you can just put in whatever monster or model face you picture me as ;)

Maybe some day I'll be able to face up to you all.

Much love to everyone! All the garbage and food has been taken out of the house, so I'm excited to start fresh this week!! And my apologies to the Blue Team. I'll still be cheering you all on :)

Water Water Everywhere

OK. I'm in that lovely mindset again. It's time for a fast, at least until Saturday.

The only annoying thing is I'm back on Wellbutrin, Topamax (both of these are good b/c they have weight loss side effects) and it can sometimes cause nausea if you aren't eating. I'll start prozac next week, which is the only SSRI that's been FDA approved for bulimia and binge eating. You all know I don't like labels, so even though I really don't see myself as bulimic, I think that everything's a spectrum and if it can help one ED it can probably help them all :) Plus I need to stop eating like a fat fatty cow.

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I'm sure I have loads more to say, but I'm late for work! I'll blog more and read comments later. My little frog is so happy swimming around in his tank, I need to take a page from his book.

Cheers!
Savory

I Know. A Rant.

Ok readers. No more pity parties.

I'm choosing to embrace determination and feisty-ness instead of self-loathing and depression.

No, I haven't had my meds adjusted yet, but I refuse to allow myself to continue on a path of self-destruction. Well, the self-destruction I don't approve of. I'm sick of binging on food, alcohol, and SI. I'm welcoming my ED back into my life.

So what if I'm constantly afraid to answer phone calls from my friends (because their plans might include food or alcohol), go to restaurants (because I can't count the calories or know the ingredients), or go out in public (because people might say something about my size)? I'm going to hate myself if I'm starving or binging, so I might as well choose the former and keep losing weight.

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Now, I caution you, readers, against writing me off as obviously not tackling my emotional problems or continuing down a bad path. If you still feel this way, however, you are completely correct.

To address this, so we can get it out of the way: I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists for four years now (four years that I can't get back), institutionalized twice, had my second amendment right taken away, and tried almost every major anti-depressant. Doctors have labeled me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and EDNOS.

I don't have much faith in the system. For those of you out there who have found hope or relief with psychology or psychiatry, I am exceedingly happy. That's why it's there. Try it, if you can. But for me, it doesn't work. And I've realized that what works for me is doing whatever it takes to keep from self-destructing, and maybe taking a drug cocktail that while ineffective, doesn't make me suicidal.

Perhaps this is largely in part to my philosophy of life. Really, who am I living for? Myself? No. I could die at any time and I would probably be relieved. I'm living for other people and that's ok for now.

But who am I losing weight for? Myself, entirely. I know wholeheartedly that BF (ah he needs a new name now!) would prefer me to be a healthy 130 pounds. I know that it's stressful having to constantly avoid the worried faces. But I know that as meaningless as I find nearly everything in my life, for brief moments, tiny glimmering instants, I have something that makes me want to wake up tomorrow. Work towards something.

I don't know why we're a bit messed up (come on, if you're reading this, you are at least a little bit screwy... otherwise, you wouldn't be able to put up with my nonsense). But I'm glad to embrace this return of determination, because we all deserve something that makes us loathe ourselves a little less, even if just for a minute.

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Have a fabulous week, lovelies.

Cheers!
Savory

A Bad sort of Empty

I'm in a weird place right now. Need to get my meds adjusted. I'm literally swinging between feeling absolutely nothing but empty and then feeling this darkness overcoming me.

Neither one is good. When I feel empty, I try to fill the void with SI, food, alcohol, TV, anything.

And when I feel dark, I just want to feel nothing again... to make all these thoughts disappear.

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In any case, I can't shake it, and nothing I say on here is going to be helpful for me or my dear readers. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my shrink. I've just got to hang on until then.

I'll be reading everyone else's blogs and trying to offer something other than pitiful or empty words.

All my love!

The Other

When I got back to work after my lunch break (augh! my professor wanted to take me out to lunch again... I had 150cals max), some girls I work with were having a conversation about how to gain weight:

Me: "Uhhh I know I just walked in on this but WHO wants to gain weight and erm... why!??!"
HatGirl: "Oh I do. You know, I'm just too skinny right now. I need to gain some weight."
BlondeGirl: "You should just do what I did. I lost a bunch of weight in Italy so I just started eating gelato all the time right before I left so I would gain some weight."
Me: "I don't understand wanting to gain weight. But if you want to know how to do it, I can tell you how..."
GirlThree: "I don't get it either, but I've always wanted to LOSE weight! I used to be the chubby girl."
Me: "Oh me too!"
(Note, chubby for me is like 150 two years ago)
HatGirl: "I just want to gain some. I'm too small. It might not look like it, but I'm 110 pounds."
Me: "OH MY GOD. That's what I want!!"
GirlThree: "I'm 155. Savory, I can't imagine you as chubby."
Me: "Oh, erm, my weight goes up and down... if you want to gain weight and not be flabby about it, just start lifting weights, and eat a lot of fruit for breakfast with like oatmeal or cereal, then like a big sandwich for lunch, and have something like pasta and meat for dinner. You can snack on stuff like granola or nuts. But you have to eat at least 2,000 calories. Just eat good foods that are high in carb and the good fat. Or come to my house and eat all the high cal foods I stuff my face with. I'll watch you eat haha."
HatGirl: "I think you looked really good last Fall. That was like the perfect size for you."
(Last Fall I was between 130-140)
Me: "Oh thanks... I was like 10 pounds heavier."
HatGirl: "Are you satisfied with the size you are now?"
Me: "Yeah, I guess. I mean, a few more pounds wouldn't hurt, you know?"

Later the conversation turned to eating disorders. GirlThree was talking about how her friend had bulimia and she found out when said friend drunkenly confided it to her. And she said this shocked her because she didn't know how she could keep it a secret, and because she was very overweight. Then she said something else:

GirlThree: "I just feel so strange when I find out something like that. Like, I would never think anyone I knew dealt with things like that or had that."

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Sigh. Things like that make me feel like a ghost, just floating through life. Not part of this world but with no where else to go. I'll always be the other. An outsider.

Thank You

I don't have much time, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who left me comments. I'm worried too, but I'm not going to let myself spiral out of control.

Today is the beginning. 500 calories. Water water water. I won't let myself and everyone else down.

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To clarify, BF proposed Saturday night (I'll give details later) and my weekend was absolutely magical. I definitely said yes.

Now I just have to physically and mentally get myself to a better place so I feel like I deserve the happiness I've been given.

Black and White

Can you hit rock bottom while you are simultaneously experiencing what is supposed to feel like the best day of your life thus far?

I think I'm there.

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It happens every year. June rolls around and I turn into a fucking crazy bitch. It's my father's birthday on the 6th, and everyone else is celebrating father's day this month. What has made me this way? Maybe it's from making too many meaningless cards for my uncle or my dead father in elementary school that would just get shoved under my mom's bed. Or maybe it's just like how penguins are hard wired to just suddenly know they're supposed to migrate and probably die during the journey.

Every June I'm supposed to self destruct.

I forget about it too. Every year. And then I'm sobbing and screaming and reaching for sharp objects and it all comes back to me. "Where's a calender?! God what day is it?"

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I just weighed myself. 126. Early last week I was down to 118 again after all the graduation food that was shoved at me. Now? Well, I'd talk myself into saying it's just food weight blah blah, which some of it is... but my measurements are up too. On my arms and my waist. So I'm restarting ABC with tomorrow being my first day. 500.

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Got a prescription for Ativan. But it's too late. The anxiety attacks aren't nearly the source of my problems right now. It's my desire to destroy myself. Old habits have returned. Binge drinking, SI, eating eating eating.

Locked myself in the bathroom and found my poorly hidden kitchen knife. Performed the ritual. At first BF ignored me and didn't notice it. Then when he did, we danced the somber dance of silently cleaning me up and bandaging my wounds. He bought me ice cream and root beer which I began to eat, hoping to feel something other than empty.

Then I stopped. I began to feel too much. Happiness began creeping in and BF decided to go to bed, thinking his trip to the corner store had saved the day. I locked myself in the bathroom again and pulled off the band-aids -- the only things standing in my way of numbing myself again.

This time BF wasn't as supportive. "What the hell? Do you know how unacceptable this is? You don't get a bandage this time. You don't deserve it." I must have cut deeper than I realized, because blood was dripping down my leg this time. I don't know what I feel now. I agree with him though. I don't deserve to be soothed and told everything will be ok. My head is fucked up and I destroy everything I touch.

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Oh, this past Saturday BF proposed. I'll comment more on that some other time when I feel less like putting my fist through a wall.

All my love and support to everyone and all my readers. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much. I'll get better. But don't worry too much about me... I probably make my life sound worse and more dramatic than it actually is *hugs*