Monday, June 1, 2009

Black and White

Can you hit rock bottom while you are simultaneously experiencing what is supposed to feel like the best day of your life thus far?

I think I'm there.

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It happens every year. June rolls around and I turn into a fucking crazy bitch. It's my father's birthday on the 6th, and everyone else is celebrating father's day this month. What has made me this way? Maybe it's from making too many meaningless cards for my uncle or my dead father in elementary school that would just get shoved under my mom's bed. Or maybe it's just like how penguins are hard wired to just suddenly know they're supposed to migrate and probably die during the journey.

Every June I'm supposed to self destruct.

I forget about it too. Every year. And then I'm sobbing and screaming and reaching for sharp objects and it all comes back to me. "Where's a calender?! God what day is it?"

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I just weighed myself. 126. Early last week I was down to 118 again after all the graduation food that was shoved at me. Now? Well, I'd talk myself into saying it's just food weight blah blah, which some of it is... but my measurements are up too. On my arms and my waist. So I'm restarting ABC with tomorrow being my first day. 500.

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Got a prescription for Ativan. But it's too late. The anxiety attacks aren't nearly the source of my problems right now. It's my desire to destroy myself. Old habits have returned. Binge drinking, SI, eating eating eating.

Locked myself in the bathroom and found my poorly hidden kitchen knife. Performed the ritual. At first BF ignored me and didn't notice it. Then when he did, we danced the somber dance of silently cleaning me up and bandaging my wounds. He bought me ice cream and root beer which I began to eat, hoping to feel something other than empty.

Then I stopped. I began to feel too much. Happiness began creeping in and BF decided to go to bed, thinking his trip to the corner store had saved the day. I locked myself in the bathroom again and pulled off the band-aids -- the only things standing in my way of numbing myself again.

This time BF wasn't as supportive. "What the hell? Do you know how unacceptable this is? You don't get a bandage this time. You don't deserve it." I must have cut deeper than I realized, because blood was dripping down my leg this time. I don't know what I feel now. I agree with him though. I don't deserve to be soothed and told everything will be ok. My head is fucked up and I destroy everything I touch.

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Oh, this past Saturday BF proposed. I'll comment more on that some other time when I feel less like putting my fist through a wall.

All my love and support to everyone and all my readers. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much. I'll get better. But don't worry too much about me... I probably make my life sound worse and more dramatic than it actually is *hugs*

7 comments:

belle svelte said...

firstly.

i would tell you to not worry about your weight, but you won't listen to me anyway. so i'll try something else instead.

breath for five minutes and think about who you are and what you are doing. is this all worth it? i'm not saying not to worry about weight or anything like that, but is what you are doing conducive to a safe lifestyle. that answer is now glaringly becoming a "no".

please stop harming yourself. i can't say this enough. i'm really really really worried about you. if eating will make it better, then please...eat. eat healthy. salads. i'll even give you lo-cal awesomely amazing salad recipes.

so please stop. you are way too young to self-destruct.

secondly.

congrats on being proposed. =) that's some guy you have there.

bx

nadja said...

your BF sounds amazing <3

i worry about you, though. *sending lots of love and hugs*

Pasco said...

I get the rock bottom bit, but I'm lost on the best day of your life bit. Where did that come in? Sounds hellish. I stood poised with a 10 inch kitchen knife the other night for about 20 minutes working out whether or not I had the balls to plunge it straight into my abdomen. And what consequences might befall the action. Of course, didn't happen, but made for an interesting 20 minutes of existential internal discussion.

Love you girl, really do, xx

G. Samsa said...

The proposal made it the best day of her life. And that is really truly awesome, Savory, especially since your BF has seen you crash. He sounds like a truly wonderful guy.

I wish I could offer you something other than my sympathy.

throughraindrops said...

congats on the proposal

he sounds like hes always there for you but not there to much if you get me ?

x

K said...

I am guessing from the proposal comment that you are not interested?? I hope thats not true! I am sorry your life sucks today... it will turn around tomorrow. Thats always how it works for me... but bad things happen in threes... so be prepared!

Tri Thin said...

what a terrible day, hope things look up soon (well, I hope your weight goes down, but you know what I mean)

 
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