Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Worry From Unexpected Places

Today was not the best food day. I blame this on several things:

1) This was the first real day in more than a month I could finally use laxatives again. Of course I over indulged and had cramps. So I had that "I feel hungry" sensation and felt like if I ate something it would feel better... but of course it didn't.
2) Stupidly, I stepped on the scale, and was disappointed when I didn't see like stars and rainbows or slot machine read outs (I don't know what we expect, no number is ever going to make us happy), so even though I'd stayed away from the scale long enough that I'd lost like 5 pounds, I was mopey.
3) TR was eating in bed next to me all morning, like that was acceptable behavior.

However, I'm ok with this because yesterday I had no appetite and didn't eat anything until I got home at like 8PM and told myself I should probably eat a little something so I wouldn't binge later (hah) and ate a little baby cucumber, which is basically like nothing.

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Yesterday we ran errands and went to the store. I had to make TR help me pick out my foods because I felt so manic and ADD about what I was going to get. But everything's safe:

+ Watermelon, Plums, Grapefruit
+ Corn-on-the-cob, Celery, String beans, Baby cucumbers
+ 3 boxes of lean cuisines under 250cals each for emergencies only
+ 2 packs of TickTacks (I'm allowed five a day as rationed by TR as a treat, they are 1cal each)

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Today TR as part of my bad food day went out to the little place next to my house to get me my favorite depression lunch while I moped in bed. He comes back and throws the bag at me:

TR: "Oh, while I was there, the owner asked about you" (this is that place where they know our order by heart)
Me: "Yeah?"
TR: "He's worried about you"
Me: "Why?"
TR: "He wanted to know if you're sick or like ill. He said you've lost a lot of weight."
Me: "Really??? I'm not even that thin. And I don't know when he's seen me."
TR: "He sees you all the time walking on the street. We're right next door. And you're too thin. Look at your wrist. Mine is big and strong. Yours is so small I feel like if I tap it, I will break it. Your wrist is so fragile."
Me: "Well, whatever, if I keep feeling depressed and going to his place for lunch, I'll balloon back up and neither of you will have to worry."

Jesus Christ.

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I'm working on a list called "Crazy Things My ED Makes Me Think." Feel free to contribute. My favorites so far are that I'm always touching my collar bones because I'm afraid that one minute they'll just sink into my skin and disappear never to be seen again, and sometimes I hesitate when someone offers me lotion because I wonder if my body will absorb any fat or calories. haha.

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I was going to post a picture of me to show you all what I've been doing this summer but TR said I looked fat, so sorry. But I can't make that kind of first impression.

7 comments:

Sarah. said...

a baby cucumber is nothing at all love - dont you worry your pretty little head over something like that.
good grocery list! very healthy, you have alot of willpower - i hate grocery shopping.
5pounds is a good loss! any loss is a good loss! be happy :)
xxxxxxxxx

belle svelte said...

omgod! i do that collar bone thing toooo. sadly, four pound gain last week...i can feel it. love handles expanded and collar bone sunk in. aiyaaaa

anyway. your safe foods looks good atleast! ooo and be careful with lean cuisine. frozen dinners usually have a shit ton of sodium!!!

you're better with a salad with same amount of calories. but you know this, look who i'm talking too...

EvaPuedeVolar said...

I totally do the collar bone thing too. And a couple of days ago I was so disheartened when I'd only lost one pound in one day. How ridiculous is that?

I refused any sort of pain meds for this foot injury I have because I was afraid of the calories they might have.

Crazy becomes us, darlings.

Gem!! said...

Hold on!

TR said you're too fragile and look like you're going to break - but then calls you fat and you wont post a picture?

C'mon boy, make up your mind!!


Shitttt - no wonder our thinking is fucked up with comments like that.


I dunno whether I've over reacted on that??
Hope that wasn't offensive - just making observations

Good luck diddums.

xx

hey.hana said...

gem is right. TR needs ta make up his mind!

Crazy things:

I often walk blocks and blocks in the middle of the night to the nearest king sooper's just to walk around the isles and look at the things I COULD buy for sometimes over an hour. Sometimes I get something bad, but more often I go for cigarettes or diet soda or maybe a yogurt. I just like to look around at all that's available for a while first...


I'll come up with more later now that I'm thinking about it and get back to you:]

what if summer... said...

Collar bones are so glamorous. I feel like if I'm wearing a boat neck shirt I have to square my shoulders and stand up extra straight just to jut them into everyone's face. It's an odd area of the body to be fond of, but whatever.

I've never heard the body lotion paranoia before. I personally could never stand moisturizing just because I'm so goddamn lazy. I don't think I'm any skinnier for it, though lol

Pasco said...

Oh oh I SO know what you mean!

I had to do a uni thing with this community care organisation today. And when I turned up at the office one of the old nurse ladies said "I hope you've got something warm to wear, you'll freeze, there's not very much of you"

AWESOME

then another of them dropped a giant freddo in my lap that she must have bought from the fundraiser box and said to the others "here, I think we should give her a freddo"

it was kind of derogatory, but still, AWESOME

except then I ate ate it...

 
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